Choice Theory

1. Choice Theory: We Control Our Own Behavior and Feelings

"Choice theory explains that, for all practical purposes, we choose everything we do, including the misery we feel."

We are responsible for our choices. Choice Theory posits that we have more control over our lives than we realize. Our behaviors, thoughts, and even feelings are choices we make, not things that happen to us. This perspective empowers individuals to take responsibility for their actions and emotions.

External control is an illusion. Many people believe that others can "make" them feel or act a certain way. However, Choice Theory argues that others can only provide information - it's up to us how we process and respond to that information. This shift in thinking can lead to more effective problem-solving and personal growth.

Key aspects of Choice Theory:

• We choose our behaviors and feelings
• Others can't "make" us do or feel anything
• We are responsible for our own happiness and misery
• Changing our choices can change our lives

2. The Quality World: Our Personal Vision of Satisfaction

"What these pictures portray falls into three categories: (1) the people we most want to be with, (2) the things we most want to own or experience, and (3) the ideas or systems of belief that govern much of our behavior."

Our personal ideal. The Quality World is a mental picture of what we believe will best satisfy our needs. It's a unique, personal vision that guides our choices and behaviors. Understanding our Quality World can help us identify what truly matters to us and why we make certain choices.

Shaping our reality. Our Quality World influences how we perceive and interact with the real world. When reality matches our Quality World pictures, we feel satisfied. When there's a mismatch, we experience frustration and may engage in behaviors to try to bring reality closer to our ideal.

Components of the Quality World:

• Important people in our lives
• Desired possessions and experiences
• Guiding beliefs and values
• Ideal versions of ourselves and our relationships

3. Basic Needs: Survival, Love, Power, Freedom, and Fun

"Besides survival, which depends a lot on our physiology, I believe we are genetically programmed to try to satisfy four psychological needs: love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun."

Fundamental drivers. Glasser identifies five basic needs that motivate all human behavior. Understanding these needs can help us make sense of our own actions and those of others. Recognizing which needs are most important to us can guide us in making more satisfying choices.

Balancing act. While all five needs are important, they can sometimes conflict with each other. For example, our need for power might clash with our need for love and belonging. Learning to balance these needs is crucial for overall satisfaction and healthy relationships.

The five basic needs:

1. Survival (physical well-being)
2. Love and Belonging (connection with others)
3. Power (sense of achievement and competence)
4. Freedom (autonomy and choice)
5. Fun (learning and enjoyment)

4. Total Behavior: Actions, Thoughts, Feelings, and Physiology

"All our behavior is always our best choice, at the time we make the choice, to satisfy one or more of these needs."

Holistic approach. Total Behavior encompasses four components: acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology. These components are interconnected and inseparable. When we choose a behavior, we're choosing all four aspects simultaneously.

Indirect control. While we have direct control over our actions and thoughts, we only have indirect control over our feelings and physiology. By changing our actions and thoughts, we can indirectly influence how we feel and our physical responses. This understanding is crucial for managing emotions and physical reactions.

Components of Total Behavior:

• Acting (physical actions)
• Thinking (mental processes)
• Feeling (emotions)
• Physiology (bodily functions)

Examples of indirect control:

• Choosing to exercise to improve mood
• Practicing positive self-talk to reduce anxiety
• Deep breathing to lower heart rate

5. Relationships: The Source of Most Human Problems and Happiness

"If we are not sick, poverty stricken, or suffering the ravages of old age, the major human problems we struggle with—violence, crime, child abuse, spousal abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, the proliferation of premature and unloving sex and emotional distress—are caused by unsatisfying relationships."

Relationship-centric view. Glasser argues that most human problems stem from unsatisfying relationships. By focusing on improving our relationships, we can address many of life's challenges and increase our overall happiness.

Quality connections. Developing and maintaining quality relationships requires effort and understanding. It involves recognizing the needs of others, communicating effectively, and being willing to compromise. By applying Choice Theory principles to our relationships, we can create more satisfying connections with others.

Key aspects of satisfying relationships:

• Mutual respect and understanding
• Effective communication
• Willingness to compromise
• Shared experiences and goals
• Supporting each other's needs

6. External Control Psychology vs. Choice Theory in Relationships

"The simple operational premise of the external control psychology the world uses is: Punish the people who are doing wrong, so they will do what we say is right; then reward them, so they keep doing what we want them to do."

Paradigm shift. External Control Psychology, which relies on punishment and reward to control others' behavior, is deeply ingrained in our society. Choice Theory offers an alternative approach that focuses on personal responsibility and mutual understanding.

Empowering choices. By shifting from External Control to Choice Theory in our relationships, we can create more fulfilling connections. This involves recognizing that we can only control our own behavior, not others', and focusing on meeting our needs in ways that don't infringe on others' needs.

Comparing approaches:
External Control Psychology:

• Relies on punishment and reward
• Attempts to control others' behavior
• Often leads to conflict and resentment

Choice Theory:

• Emphasizes personal responsibility
• Focuses on meeting one's own needs
• Promotes understanding and cooperation

7. Quality Schools: Applying Choice Theory to Education

"Quality schools would be schools staffed by teachers and principals who practice lead management and teach choice theory to both students and their families."

Transforming education. Quality Schools apply Choice Theory principles to create a more effective and enjoyable learning environment. This approach emphasizes intrinsic motivation, personal responsibility, and meaningful relationships between teachers and students.

Key elements. Quality Schools focus on competence rather than coercion, eliminate failure, and teach students to evaluate their own work. They also prioritize teaching useful skills over rote memorization and encourage creativity and problem-solving.

Characteristics of Quality Schools:

• No coercion or external control
• Emphasis on competence and quality work
• Teaching Choice Theory to students and staff
• Focus on building positive relationships
• Elimination of failure and punishment
• Encourage self-evaluation and creativity

8. Lead Management: Choice Theory in the Workplace

"Lead management is to boss management as choice theory is to external control psychology."

Collaborative approach. Lead Management applies Choice Theory principles to create a more productive and satisfying work environment. It emphasizes cooperation, trust, and mutual respect between managers and employees.

Improved outcomes. By focusing on building quality relationships and meeting employees' needs, Lead Management can lead to higher productivity, better quality work, and increased job satisfaction. This approach contrasts sharply with traditional "boss management" techniques based on external control.

Key aspects of Lead Management:

• Engaging workers in discussions about quality and cost
• Modeling and teaching rather than ordering
• Encouraging self-evaluation and continual improvement
• Creating a supportive work environment
• Sharing profits and recognizing contributions

9. Creativity and Mental Health: A New Perspective on "Mental Illness"

"There is tremendous power in good counseling."

Reframing mental health. Glasser challenges traditional views of mental illness, suggesting that many psychological problems are creative attempts to deal with unsatisfying relationships or unmet needs. This perspective shifts the focus from treating "illnesses" to helping individuals make more effective choices.

Empowering approach. By viewing psychological symptoms as choices rather than diseases, individuals can be empowered to take control of their mental health. This approach emphasizes personal responsibility and the potential for change through better choices and improved relationships.

Key points on mental health:

• Many psychological symptoms are creative coping mechanisms
• Focus on improving relationships and meeting needs
• Emphasize personal responsibility and choice
• Use counseling to help individuals make more effective choices
• Challenge the idea of "mental illness" as a disease

10. Conflict Resolution: The Solving Circle Approach

"If both partners are willing to stop using external control psychology—willing to get in the circle and talk about what each is willing to give, not take—they may be able to stop the drift apart that has been eroding their marriage."

Collaborative problem-solving. The Solving Circle is a technique for resolving conflicts by focusing on what each person is willing to contribute rather than what they want to take or change about the other person. This approach can be applied to various relationships, including marriages, families, and workplaces.

Shifting focus. By entering the Solving Circle, individuals agree to prioritize the relationship over individual wants. This shift in perspective can lead to more productive discussions and creative solutions to conflicts.

Steps in the Solving Circle approach:

1. Agree to enter the circle (prioritize the relationship)
2. Focus on what each person is willing to give
3. Avoid blame and criticism
4. Brainstorm solutions that benefit the relationship
5. Make commitments to specific actions
6. Reevaluate and adjust as needed

Last updated: January 24, 2025