Take Charge of your Life

1. Internal Motivation Drives All Behavior

Nothing we do is caused by what happens outside of us.

Rejecting External Control. Choice Theory posits that all human behavior is driven by internal needs and desires, not by external stimuli. We choose our actions based on what we believe will best satisfy our needs at any given moment. The red light doesn't make you stop; your desire to stay alive does.

Internal vs. External. This perspective contrasts sharply with the common belief that external events dictate our actions. Recognizing internal motivation empowers individuals to take responsibility for their choices and feelings. It's not the situation, but your response to the situation.

Misery is a Choice. Even seemingly negative emotions like misery are chosen behaviors, albeit often ineffective ones, aimed at regaining control. By understanding this, individuals can explore alternative, more constructive choices to meet their needs.

2. Choice Theory Replaces External Control

Teaching everyone the dangers of external control and how to replace it with choice theory is the heart and soul of encouraging successful and happy lives.

Dangers of External Control. External control, the attempt to manipulate others through rewards, punishments, and coercion, damages relationships and hinders personal growth. It assumes that one person knows what's best for another, leading to conflict and resentment.

Seven Deadly Habits. The seven deadly habits of external control—criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and bribing—erode trust and connection. These habits create distance and foster resistance.

Seven Caring Habits. Choice Theory offers seven caring habits—supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, and negotiating differences—as a foundation for building strong, fulfilling relationships. These habits promote understanding, empathy, and collaboration.

3. Quality World: The Blueprint for Satisfaction

Our personal quality worlds are never hazy or general; they always contain very specific pictures of what will satisfy our needs right now.

The Quality World. The quality world is a mental repository of specific images representing what we believe will fulfill our basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom, and fun. These pictures are highly personal and drive our behavior.

Pictures in Our Heads. These pictures are not always rational or attainable, but they exert a powerful influence on our choices. Understanding the pictures in our quality world helps us understand our motivations and behaviors.

Changing Pictures. While it's difficult to change the pictures themselves, we can learn to choose different behaviors to satisfy them. This involves creativity, flexibility, and a willingness to negotiate with others whose quality worlds may differ from our own.

4. Values Shape Our Perceptions

All our values, good and bad, come from within ourselves.

Values are Internal. Values are not inherent in the world but are assigned by us based on our beliefs and experiences. We filter our perceptions through these values, labeling things as "good" or "bad" based on how they align with our internal standards.

The Sensory Camera. Our "sensory camera" doesn't just record reality; it adds values and labels based on our quality world pictures. This can lead to biased perceptions and conflict when others don't share our values.

Reducing Labels. To improve relationships and take charge of our lives, we must become aware of our tendency to label and judge. The fewer "bad" labels we attach to what we see, the more effectively we can navigate the world and connect with others.

5. Behavior is a Constant Attempt to Satisfy Needs

Whenever there is a difference between what we want and what we have, we must behave—which means acting, thinking, feeling, or involving our body, all of which are components of the total behaviors we generate as we struggle to get what we want.

The Thermostat Analogy. Like a thermostat that regulates temperature, our brains constantly compare our current reality with our desired state. Any discrepancy triggers behavior aimed at reducing the difference.

Total Behavior. All behavior is "total behavior," encompassing acting, thinking, feeling, and physiological components. These components work together in a constant effort to satisfy our needs.

Creative Solutions. When existing behaviors fail to bridge the gap between what we want and what we have, we engage in creative reorganization, generating new behaviors that may or may not be effective. This process drives innovation, but can also lead to self-destructive choices.

6. Creativity and Reorganization: The Engine of Change

Unlike machines, all living organisms are not only highly creative but are always in the process of creating new behaviors.

Constant Reorganization. Our brains are constantly reorganizing existing knowledge and experiences to generate new behaviors. This process, often unconscious, is the source of our creativity and adaptability.

Behavioral System. The behavioral system consists of organized behaviors (familiar actions) and a creative system (a "churning pot" of disorganized behavioral material). The creative system offers new behaviors, which we may accept or reject based on their perceived effectiveness.

Dreams and Creativity. Dreams are a manifestation of this reorganization process, helping us process frustrations and explore new solutions. Suppressing dreams can hinder our ability to adapt and cope with challenges.

7. Responsibility and the Acceptance of Choice

Although we are not responsible for what we create, crazy or sane, we are responsible for what we choose to do with our creations.

Creativity vs. Action. While we are not responsible for the thoughts and ideas that arise in our minds, we are responsible for the choices we make based on those thoughts. This distinction is crucial for understanding mental illness and criminal behavior.

Crazy Creativity. Even "crazy" or self-destructive behaviors are creative attempts to regain control. However, acting on these impulses does not absolve us of responsibility for the consequences.

The Importance of Choice. By accepting responsibility for our choices, we empower ourselves to seek more effective ways to satisfy our needs and contribute to a more just and compassionate society.

8. Psychosomatic Illness: The Body's Misguided Creativity

I believe either can become part of a self-destructive effort to regain control over our lives.

The Body's Response. When we are unable to satisfy our needs over a long period, our bodies may become involved in the struggle, leading to psychosomatic illnesses. These illnesses are not imaginary but are real physical conditions driven by psychological distress.

The Old Brain. The "old brain," responsible for regulating bodily functions, may begin to function abnormally in response to chronic stress and unmet needs. This can lead to a variety of physical symptoms and diseases.

Taking Charge of Health. To combat psychosomatic illness, it's crucial to address the underlying psychological issues and regain control over our lives. This may involve changing relationships, finding more fulfilling work, or developing healthier coping mechanisms.

9. Addicting Drugs: Chemical Shortcuts to Control

All regular users of addicting drugs can be said to be both psychologically and physically addicted.

The Illusion of Control. Addicting drugs provide a temporary sense of control and pleasure, but ultimately lead to a loss of control and dependence. They hijack the brain's reward system, making it difficult to experience pleasure through natural means.

Different Actions. Different drugs act on the brain in different ways, but all share the common effect of creating a false sense of well-being and control. This can lead to a vicious cycle of addiction and self-destruction.

Breaking the Cycle. Overcoming addiction requires replacing the drug with healthier, more sustainable ways to satisfy needs. This may involve therapy, support groups, and a commitment to personal growth.

10. Effective Parenting: Fostering Internal Control

Try as hard as possible to teach, show, and help your children to gain effective control of their own lives.

Empowering Children. Effective parenting focuses on teaching children to take responsibility for their choices and develop internal control. This involves providing guidance, support, and opportunities for growth, while avoiding excessive control or punishment.

Four Procedures. Parents should focus on doing things with their children, rather than to or for them. This fosters independence, creativity, and a sense of self-efficacy.

Negotiation and Compromise. When conflicts arise, parents should negotiate with their children to find mutually acceptable solutions. This teaches children valuable skills in communication, problem-solving, and empathy.

11. Conflict: Navigating Divergent Pictures

The best behavior is to do as little as possible, and depressing is often that behavior.

True vs. False Conflicts. True conflicts involve situations where satisfying all needs is impossible, while false conflicts involve situations where a solution exists but requires effort. Recognizing the difference is crucial for effective problem-solving.

Doing Nothing. In true conflicts, the best approach is often to do nothing and wait for the situation to change. This prevents wasted energy and allows for new possibilities to emerge.

Hard Work. In false conflicts, the key is to identify the hard-work choice and commit to it. This may involve making difficult decisions, setting boundaries, or seeking support from others.

12. Criticism: The Relationship Killer

Criticism is a luxury I believe none of us can afford.

Destructive Force. Criticism, whether verbal or nonverbal, is a highly destructive behavior that erodes trust and connection. It creates distance and fosters resentment, damaging relationships.

Alternative Approach. Instead of criticizing, focus on expressing your own needs and feelings without blaming or judging others. This promotes understanding, empathy, and collaboration.

Self-Criticism. Self-criticism is equally damaging, undermining self-esteem and hindering personal growth. Practice self-compassion and focus on your strengths rather than dwelling on your flaws.

Last updated: March 11, 2025