Coach the Person, Not the Problem

1. Reflective inquiry is the cornerstone of effective coaching

Coaching should be a process of inquiry, not a series of questions.

Reflective inquiry combines questions with reflective statements. This approach helps clients examine their own thoughts and beliefs more deeply than just asking questions alone. Reflective statements include summarizing, paraphrasing, labeling emotions, and drawing distinctions. When paired with questions, these reflections provoke insight by helping clients see their thoughts laid out objectively.

Reflective inquiry maps to the brain science of insight formation. It creates small disruptions in thinking that allow new neural connections to form. This process is more effective for creating lasting change than simply giving advice or focusing only on external problem-solving.

Key elements of reflective inquiry:

• Recapping key points the client said
• Noticing and sharing observed emotional shifts
• Exploring beliefs and assumptions shaping the client's perspective
• Drawing connections between ideas
• Asking questions that arise from curiosity after sharing reflections

2. Focus on coaching the person, not just solving the problem

You want your clients to think more broadly for themselves. You facilitate this process.

Coaching goes beyond problem-solving. While clients often come to coaching with a specific issue, the most powerful coaching focuses on expanding the client's self-awareness and capacity for self-reflection. This developmental approach creates more profound and lasting change than operational problem-solving alone.

By focusing on the person, coaches help clients:

• Examine limiting beliefs and assumptions
• Uncover fears or conflicts of values causing hesitation
• Expand their perception of what's possible
• Build confidence in their ability to handle challenges

This approach may feel uncomfortable at times, as it challenges clients to confront their own thinking. However, it ultimately leads to more transformative outcomes. The coach's role is to create a safe space for this deeper exploration while believing in the client's inherent capacity for growth and problem-solving.

3. Active replay helps clients see their own thoughts objectively

When we use reflective statements, we act as a dynamic mirror where clients can more objectively view their behavioral motivations and limiting beliefs.

Active replay replicates the effect of video feedback. By playing back the client's words, expressions, and emotions, coaches help clients step outside their own perspective and examine their thoughts more objectively. This process often leads to powerful "aha" moments of self-realization.

Key active replay techniques:

• Summarizing key points
• Paraphrasing using slightly different words
• Encapsulating ideas in a concise phrase or metaphor
• Noticing and sharing observed emotional shifts

Active replay is most effective when done with curiosity and care, allowing the client space to process what they hear. The goal is not to interpret or analyze, but to reflect back what was expressed so the client can gain new insights into their own thinking patterns and reactions.

4. Brain hacking uncovers beliefs and values shaping client perspectives

Our values and needs shape our beliefs and biases, which mix with our experiences to create stories.

Coaching explores the internal framework shaping perception. Clients have an internal "box" of stories, beliefs, and values that filter their experiences and guide their decisions. Effective coaching helps clients examine the contents of this box to identify limiting beliefs, unexamined assumptions, and potential conflicts between values.

Levels of exploration in brain hacking:

1. Stories - Examining specific narratives clients tell about situations
2. Beliefs and assumptions - Uncovering the thinking patterns holding stories in place
3. Social needs - Identifying core needs driving behavior (e.g. respect, security, recognition)
4. Life values - Exploring fundamental values shaping identity and decisions

By bringing these elements to light, coaches help clients see how their internal framework may be limiting their perspective or creating internal conflicts. This awareness opens up new possibilities for reframing situations and making more conscious choices aligned with their true values and desires.

5. Goaltending keeps coaching conversations on track

Articulating the outcome is the conduit between uncertainty and progress.

Clear outcomes provide focus and direction. While coaching conversations should be flexible, having a clear destination helps ensure meaningful progress. The coach's role is to help the client articulate what they want to achieve, even if that outcome evolves during the conversation.

Key aspects of goaltending:

• Unwrapping what the client truly wants (beyond surface-level goals)
• Tracking progress and shifts in the desired outcome
• Inviting the client to refine or redefine the outcome as new insights emerge
• Keeping the conversation moving towards the agreed-upon destination

Effective goaltending requires balancing structure with flexibility. The outcome provides guardrails to keep the conversation from going in circles, while still allowing space for exploration and new discoveries. Coaches should regularly check in to ensure the conversation is still aligned with what the client most wants to achieve.

6. Turn insights into commitments to ensure progress

Knowing and doing are not the same.

Insights must be translated into action. While moments of realization are powerful, they don't automatically lead to change. Coaches need to help clients solidify their insights by articulating what they've learned and committing to specific next steps.

Steps for turning insights into commitments:

1. Ask clients to verbalize what they're now seeing or understanding
2. Explore what this new awareness means for their desired outcome
3. Invite clients to identify concrete actions they'll take based on this insight
4. Establish clear timelines and accountability for these actions
5. Anticipate potential obstacles and create plans to overcome them

By following through on these steps, coaches ensure that the transformative potential of insights is realized through tangible changes in the client's life. This process also reinforces the client's sense of agency and ability to create positive change.

7. Align your brain to create psychological safety

Your emotions and positive regard have more impact on how safe clients feel than the words you choose.

The coach's internal state shapes the coaching environment. Creating a sense of psychological safety is crucial for clients to fully engage in the coaching process. This safety is primarily established through the coach's presence and emotional state, rather than specific techniques or words.

Steps for aligning your brain:

1. Choose how you want to feel (e.g. curious, caring, confident)
2. Recall your intention of partnership
3. Believe in your client's potential

Practices to cultivate presence:

• Regular mindfulness or meditation practice
• Breathing exercises to center yourself before sessions
• Visualizations to embody desired emotional states
• Releasing judgment and preconceptions about the client

By consciously aligning their own mental and emotional state, coaches create an energetic field that invites openness, trust, and exploration from their clients.

8. Receive fully instead of just listening cognitively

Receiving the person fully, not just listening to them, is critical for using reflective inquiry to coach the person, not the problem.

Receiving goes beyond cognitive listening. True receiving involves opening up all aspects of your nervous system - head, heart, and gut - to fully take in what the client is expressing, both verbally and non-verbally. This deeper level of attunement allows coaches to pick up on subtle cues and emotional undercurrents that cognitive listening alone might miss.

Aspects of full receiving:

• Quieting your own internal dialogue
• Letting go of the need to know or have answers
• Opening your heart with compassion or gratitude
• Tuning into your gut instincts and bodily sensations
• Noticing energetic shifts in the space between you and the client

Receiving in this way creates a profound sense of being heard and understood for the client. It also provides the coach with richer information to work with in formulating reflections and questions that get to the heart of what's really going on for the client.

9. Catch and release judgment to maintain partnership

To release judgment, you must accept that you are judgmental.

Judgment is inevitable, but it can be managed. All humans have biases and make judgments. The key for coaches is to become aware of when judgment arises and learn to quickly release it to maintain a stance of curiosity and partnership.

Steps for catching and releasing judgment:

1. Accept that you will have judgmental reactions
2. Practice noticing the physical sensations of judgment in your body
3. When judgment arises, breathe and consciously release the tension
4. Return to a state of open curiosity about the client's perspective
5. If judgment has seeped into your words, acknowledge it and rephrase

Common triggers for judgment:

• Client beliefs that conflict with your own values
• Emotional reactions that seem disproportionate
• Decisions or behaviors you perceive as self-sabotaging
• Resistance to change or exploring certain topics

By catching and releasing judgment, coaches maintain the psychological safety and partnership crucial for effective coaching. This practice also models non-judgmental self-awareness for clients.

10. Coaching is a lifestyle that transforms relationships

When you create cultures that foster the safety to fully express oneself in conversations, you not only bring out the best in people but bring out the best in yourself.

Coaching skills enhance all interactions. The mindsets and practices of coaching - presence, deep listening, curiosity, reflective inquiry - can profoundly impact all of our relationships when applied beyond formal coaching sessions. As these skills become ingrained, they shape how we show up in the world and interact with others.

Benefits of a coaching lifestyle:

• Deeper, more meaningful connections with others
• Increased empathy and understanding
• More effective communication in personal and professional settings
• Greater ability to support others' growth and development
• Continuous personal growth through self-reflection

Organizations that cultivate coaching cultures see benefits like:

• Increased employee engagement
• Improved problem-solving and innovation
• Better adaptation to change
• Stronger leadership pipelines
• Enhanced teamwork and collaboration

By embracing coaching as a way of being, rather than just a set of techniques, we can create more empowering and fulfilling relationships in all areas of life.

Last updated: October 3, 2024