Helping People Change

1. Helping Others Starts with Understanding Their Dreams

More than resolving immediate problems and more than trying to help someone achieve a set of prescribed goals or meet certain standards, uncovering a person’s hopes and dreams is the key that unlocks positive emotions and intrinsic motivation—and propels that person to genuine, lasting change.

Focus on aspirations. True helping transcends fixing problems; it begins with understanding an individual's deepest aspirations. Kyle Schwartz's classroom experiment, asking students what they wished their teacher knew, revealed profound insights into their lives and dreams, enabling her to connect with them on a deeper level. Similarly, Greg Lakin's coach helped him rediscover his passions, leading to a more fulfilling life.

Beyond surface issues. Effective helpers look beyond immediate issues to uncover the underlying desires and motivations. By asking open-ended questions and actively listening, helpers can tap into the positive emotions and intrinsic motivation that drive lasting change. This approach fosters a sense of hope and possibility, empowering individuals to pursue their dreams.

The power of dreams. The key is to help people move closer to their ideal self—their dreams and vision of their ideal future. This approach, as opposed to problem-solving, unlocks positive emotions and intrinsic motivation, propelling individuals toward genuine and lasting change. It's about igniting a flame within, not just putting out fires.

2. Coaching with Compassion vs. Coaching for Compliance

When the context is a long-term dream or vision, people draw energy from that vision and are able to sustain their effort to change, even through difficult times.

Two distinct approaches. Coaching with compassion focuses on helping individuals articulate and pursue their desired future, while coaching for compliance aims to move them toward externally defined objectives. The former fosters intrinsic motivation and sustained change, while the latter often leads to obligation and short-term results.

The problem-centered approach. Many helpers naturally adopt a problem-centered approach, focusing on gaps between where individuals are and where they "should" be. This can lead to a sense of being "fixed," hindering motivation and long-term commitment. Conversely, a vision-centered approach taps into a person's energy and passion, enabling them to sustain effort even through challenges.

The essence of compassion. Coaching with compassion involves genuine caring and concern, providing support and encouragement, and facilitating the discovery and pursuit of dreams. It contrasts with coaching for compliance, which often relies on external mandates and can stifle individual potential. The key is to inspire, not instruct.

3. Intentional Change Theory: A Roadmap for Sustainable Growth

People tend to change their behavior when they want to change and in the ways they want to change.

Five key discoveries. Intentional Change Theory (ICT) posits that sustained behavioral change occurs through five key discoveries:

• Ideal Self: Who do I want to be?
• Real Self: Who am I now?
• Learning Agenda: What do I need to learn?
• Experimentation: Trying new behaviors
• Resonant Relationships: Who can help me?

Non-linear process. ICT recognizes that change is not linear but occurs in bursts or spurts. Each discovery builds upon the previous one, creating a holistic and sustainable transformation. Melvin's story exemplifies this process, as he transitioned from a research-focused path to a teaching-oriented one, guided by his coach's compassionate support.

Internal motivation. The model emphasizes the importance of internal motivation. By focusing on their ideal self, individuals are more likely to sustain their efforts, even through difficult times. The coach's role is to facilitate this process, helping individuals uncover their passions and align their actions with their values.

4. The Brain's Role: PEA vs. NEA

Asking the right questions ultimately opens people up to what’s possible in their lives, including sustainable change.

Two emotional attractors. The brain responds differently to positive and negative stimuli. The Positive Emotional Attractor (PEA) activates areas associated with hope, joy, and curiosity, while the Negative Emotional Attractor (NEA) triggers fear and anxiety. Effective helpers understand how to evoke the PEA to create a receptive and motivated emotional state.

Asking the right questions. Asking questions that spark joy, gratitude, and curiosity can awaken the PEA, opening individuals to new possibilities. Conversely, focusing on problems or obligations can trigger the NEA, hindering learning and change. Joseph Banay's simple question to his son, "What do you see?", unlocked Aaron's unique perspective and averted a misdiagnosis.

The power of focus. Coaches and helpers need to focus on the other person, not on their own vision of how things should be. This requires emotional self-control and the ability to withhold advice long enough to understand the other person's perspective. The goal is to create a safe and supportive environment where individuals can explore their thoughts and feelings without judgment.

5. Balancing Survival and Thriving: The PEA/NEA Ratio

We need both the PEA and NEA.

Survival vs. thriving. While the NEA is essential for survival, activating our fight-or-flight response in dangerous situations, the PEA is crucial for thriving, fostering creativity, openness, and connection. The key is to find the right balance between the two.

The PEA/NEA ratio. Research suggests that a 2:1 to 5:1 ratio of PEA to NEA experiences is optimal for sustained change and well-being. This means that individuals need to cultivate positive emotions and experiences more frequently than negative ones. Bob Shaffer's story illustrates this, as he balanced his need to address his health issues (NEA) with a clear personal vision and the support of a coach (PEA).

Strategies for invoking the PEA. Coaches and helpers can use various methods to invoke the PEA, including:

• Encouraging reflection on dreams and personal vision
• Demonstrating compassion and care
• Practicing mindfulness and gratitude
• Invoking playfulness and humor
• Spending time in nature

6. Personal Vision: The Compass for a Meaningful Life

A person’s vision is her image of a possible future. It is neither goals nor strategy. It is not a forecast of what is likely. It is a dream!

More than just goals. A personal vision is not a set of goals or a strategic plan; it's a dream, an image of a possible future that encompasses values, passions, and purpose. It's about who you wish to be, not just what you want to do. This vision serves as a compass, guiding individuals toward a more fulfilling life.

The power of imagination. Karen Milley's experience with her son highlights the power of imagination in crafting a personal vision. By asking individuals to envision their ideal future, coaches can unlock new possibilities and inspire them to pursue their dreams. This process can be particularly transformative for those who have been focused on external expectations or societal pressures.

Regular updates. Like a compass, a personal vision needs to be recalibrated periodically. Life transitions, unexpected events, and the natural cycles of life and work can all prompt a reexamination of one's vision. The key is to remain open to new possibilities and to ensure that your actions are aligned with your deepest values.

7. Resonant Relationships: The Heart of Helping

The best relationship is one that is both equitable and full of mutual trust.

Beyond skills and techniques. While coaching skills are important, the quality of the relationship between the helper and the person being helped is paramount. A resonant relationship is characterized by positive emotions, genuine connection, and mutual trust. It's a partnership built on shared vision, compassion, and energy.

High-quality connections. High-quality connections (HQCs) are short-term interactions that leave both parties feeling alive, uplifted, and cared for. These connections are characterized by emotional carrying capacity, tensility, and connectivity, fostering resilience and openness to new ideas.

The power of empathy. Empathy, in its cognitive, emotional, and behavioral forms, is essential for building resonant relationships. By understanding and sharing the feelings of others, helpers can create a safe and supportive environment where individuals can explore their potential and make meaningful changes.

8. Creating a Coaching Culture: Transforming Organizations

We are not used to asking others about how they feel.

Beyond individual coaching. Creating a coaching culture involves embedding helping and development into the fabric of an organization. This requires a shift in mindset, from problem-solving to fostering growth and potential. Jeff Darner's experience at Moen demonstrates the transformative power of this shift.

Three key approaches. Organizations can cultivate a coaching culture through:

• Peer coaching: Encouraging and training employees to support each other's development
• Internal/External Coaches: Providing access to trained professionals
• Managerial Coaching: Developing managers to be coaches for their teams

The power of peer coaching. Peer coaching offers a low-cost, accessible way to promote development and build resonant relationships. By creating a supportive network of peers, organizations can foster a culture of continuous learning and growth.

9. Recognizing and Seizing Coachable Moments

It’s important for people to use these natural cycles (or when major events transpire in their lives) to reexamine their personal vision.

Identifying opportunities. A coachable moment arises when an individual faces a critical situation or learning opportunity and is open to reflection and growth. These moments can range from major life transitions to everyday challenges. The key is to be attentive and responsive.

Assessing readiness. Before offering help, it's important to assess the individual's readiness to be coached. Prochaska's stages of change (pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance) provide a framework for understanding an individual's level of commitment and motivation.

Responding effectively. Rather than offering advice or solutions, effective helpers use coaching with compassion to help individuals frame the situation in the context of their ideal self and personal vision. This approach fosters self-awareness, empowers individuals to take ownership of their development, and promotes sustainable change.

10. The Enduring Legacy: Inspiring Others

It may be our most enduring legacy in life—making a difference in other people’s lives.

Beyond self-centeredness. In a world often characterized by self-promotion and entitlement, compassion offers a powerful antidote. By focusing on helping others, we can create a ripple effect of positive change, inspiring those around us to do the same.

The call of compassion. The ultimate goal is to create a world where helping and development are the norm, not the exception. This requires a commitment to coaching with compassion, to building resonant relationships, and to fostering a culture of continuous learning and growth.

An invitation to dream. By embracing the principles outlined in this book, we can all become catalysts for positive change, leaving a lasting legacy of inspiration and empowerment. The key is to start with a single conversation, to help someone connect with their dreams and to believe in their potential.

Last updated: March 18, 2025