Conversations with People Who Hate Me

1. Online hate is a symptom of digital dehumanization

"We think we are seeing others clearly, but we aren't. The sheer volume of people that we pass every day forces us to turn everyone we encounter into the simplest version of themselves: a profile picture and whatever identifiers we can see in their bios."

Digital dehumanization occurs when we interact with others online primarily through text and images, stripping away the nuances of human interaction. This leads to:

• Reduced empathy and increased aggression
• Oversimplification of complex individuals
• "Us vs. Them" mentality

The HATE FOLDER phenomenon demonstrates how easy it becomes to categorize and dismiss others based on limited information. By recognizing this tendency, we can actively work to counteract it and seek more meaningful connections online.

2. Empathy is not endorsement, but a tool for understanding

"Empathizing with someone is the simple acknowledgment that they, like you, are a human. Empathizing with someone does not suddenly permit them to say and do awful things."

Empathy as a bridge: By empathizing with those who express hate or opposing views, we create an opportunity for dialogue without compromising our own values.

Key aspects of empathy in difficult conversations:

• Listening without immediate judgment
• Acknowledging the humanity of the other person
• Separating the individual from their beliefs or actions

Empathy allows us to understand the root causes of harmful beliefs and behaviors, potentially opening pathways for change and reconciliation.

3. The "Everything Storm" overwhelms meaningful dialogue

"To have a debate without a shared pool of facts is like trying to play basketball against baseball, so chaotic that it immediately renders the activity pointless."

Information overload in the digital age creates several challenges:

• Difficulty in establishing common ground
• Pressure to have opinions on every topic
• Overwhelm leading to superficial engagement

The Everything Storm manifests as:

1. Constant influx of new information
2. Expectation to stay informed on all issues
3. Rapid-fire debates lacking depth

To navigate this, we must learn to focus on specific issues, acknowledge our limitations, and create space for nuanced discussions.

4. Debate is a sport, while conversation is a dance

"If conversation is a dance, then debate, I now see, is a sport."

Debate vs. Conversation:

Debate:

• Goal: Win an argument
• Style: Adversarial
• Outcome: Usually reinforces existing beliefs

Conversation:

• Goal: Mutual understanding
• Style: Collaborative
• Outcome: Potential for growth and change

In conversations, we should aim to:

• Ask genuine questions
• Listen actively
• Share personal experiences
• Find common ground

By approaching difficult topics as conversations rather than debates, we create opportunities for genuine connection and learning.

5. Interrogation masquerades as conversation, hindering true understanding

"Curiosity is not inherently virtuous. Simply asking questions does not automatically lead to a productive conversation. In fact, it can be a recipe for disaster."

Interrogation vs. Conversation:

Interrogation:

• One-sided questioning
• Seeking to prove a point
• Creates defensiveness

Productive conversation:

• Mutual exchange of ideas
• Seeks understanding
• Builds trust and openness

To avoid falling into interrogation:

• Balance asking and listening
• Be open to changing your own mind
• Recognize when emotions are running high and take breaks

By being aware of the difference between interrogation and conversation, we can create more meaningful and productive dialogues.

6. "Cancel culture" is a complex phenomenon with real consequences

"There was no clear path to redemption. Shame armies demanded apologies from transgressors, and then refused to accept them."

Cancel culture's impact:

• Creates fear of expression
• Lacks nuance in addressing wrongdoing
• Often fails to create meaningful change

The phenomenon is characterized by:

1. Rapid mobilization of online criticism
2. Pressure for immediate consequences
3. Difficulty in distinguishing between minor and major transgressions

While accountability is important, we must consider more restorative approaches that allow for growth, learning, and genuine change.

7. Conversation is the antidote to shame and polarization

"By removing a points system and allowing room for nuance and complexity, conversation is able to humanize all those involved, a feature that shame culture lacks."

Conversation as a tool for healing:

• Creates space for vulnerability and understanding
• Allows for exploration of root causes
• Promotes empathy and connection

Benefits of conversation over public shaming:

1. Encourages personal growth
2. Builds bridges across divides
3. Addresses underlying issues rather than symptoms

By prioritizing conversation, we can create a culture of understanding and growth rather than one of fear and division.

8. Time and reflection are essential for genuine change

"Real change must happen in real time, in the messy and unorganized way that life demands. Change, we are told through stories, looks like a person completely abandoning everything they believe and adopting a new 'correct' way of thinking. It's a person suddenly leaving behind their old life and picking up an entirely new one."

The reality of change:

• It's often slow and non-linear
• Requires repeated exposure to new ideas
• Involves internal reflection and processing

Factors that contribute to genuine change:

1. Time to absorb and consider new perspectives
2. Safe spaces for exploration and questioning
3. Patience from those seeking to influence change

Recognizing that change is a process, not an event, allows us to approach difficult conversations with more empathy and realistic expectations.

9. Empathy can be a privilege not everyone can afford

"Empathy across the divide is a luxury item that not everyone can afford."

Barriers to empathy:

• Ongoing trauma or marginalization
• Emotional exhaustion
• Safety concerns

It's important to recognize that:

• Not everyone is in a position to engage with those who have hurt them
• Protecting one's mental health is valid and necessary
• Allies can play a crucial role in bridge-building

While empathy is valuable, we must respect individuals' boundaries and not demand emotional labor from those who are already struggling.

10. Social media distorts reality and fuels performative activism

"As I look at it now, with the distance of time, I can clearly see that 'dylan marron is so annoying' exists in a different moral universe from 'sending a hitman after you,' yet I still apparently banished both of them to the same digital penitentiary I had constructed on my desktop."

Social media's distortions:

• Flattens complex issues into simplistic takes
• Encourages performative outrage
• Blurs the line between minor and major transgressions

The impact of these distortions:

1. Increased polarization
2. Difficulty in nuanced discussions
3. Burnout and disengagement from important issues

To combat this, we need to:

• Critically evaluate online content
• Seek diverse perspectives
• Engage in real-world activism alongside online efforts

11. Private communication often trumps public shaming

"By reaching out to them privately, rather than shaming them through a public sign on our communal lamppost, I had chosen communication over humiliation."

Benefits of private communication:

• Allows for more honest and vulnerable exchanges
• Reduces defensiveness and face-saving behavior
• Creates opportunity for mutual understanding

Steps for effective private communication:

1. Approach with genuine curiosity and respect
2. Focus on specific behaviors rather than character judgments
3. Offer solutions or resources when appropriate

By choosing private communication over public shaming, we create opportunities for real change and stronger community bonds.

Last updated: April 25, 2025