Crucial Confrontations

1. Master your stories to avoid emotional reactions

When we approach an accountability discussion, it's important to know that we must work on ourselves first. We can only actually ever change ourselves.

Control your emotions. Before initiating an accountability conversation, examine your own thoughts and feelings. Ask yourself why a reasonable person would act this way, and consider all possible influences on their behavior. This helps you approach the conversation with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

Avoid the fundamental attribution error. People often attribute others' actions solely to personality flaws, ignoring situational factors. Instead, consider:

• Personal factors: Skills, knowledge, motivation
• Social factors: Peer pressure, cultural norms
• Structural factors: Policies, systems, physical environment

By telling yourself a more complete story, you'll be better prepared to have a productive conversation focused on problem-solving rather than blame.

2. Create safety to enable open dialogue

At the foundation of every successful accountability discussion lies safety. When others feel unsafe, you can't talk about anything.

Establish mutual respect and purpose. Begin the conversation by affirming your respect for the other person and clarifying your shared goals. This helps create a safe environment where honest dialogue can occur.

Use contrasting to clarify intentions. When introducing a sensitive topic, explicitly state what you don't mean to do (accuse, attack) and what you do mean to do (understand, solve the problem). This technique helps prevent defensiveness.

Key safety-building techniques:

• Start with facts, not judgments
• Ask for the other person's perspective
• Share your good intentions
• Acknowledge your role in the problem

3. Describe the gap between expectations and reality

To ensure that you set the right tone during the first few seconds of any accounting, don't shoot from the hip. Don't charge into a situation, kick rears, take names, and let the chips fall where they may. Instead, carefully describe the gap.

Start with observable facts. Begin by clearly stating what was expected and what actually occurred, without interpretation or accusation. This provides a neutral starting point for the conversation.

Share your story tentatively. After presenting the facts, cautiously share your interpretation or concerns, using phrases like "I'm beginning to wonder if..." or "I'm concerned that..." This invites the other person to correct misunderstandings or provide additional context.

End with a question. Conclude your opening statement with an open-ended question that invites the other person to share their perspective. This demonstrates your willingness to listen and understand their point of view.

4. Make it motivating by exploring natural consequences

Consequences provide the force behind all behavioral choices, and so savvy influencers motivate others by completing a consequence search: they explain natural consequences until they hit upon one or more that the other person values.

Focus on natural consequences. Instead of relying on threats or punishment, help the other person understand the natural outcomes of their actions. This approach is more likely to lead to genuine motivation and long-term change.

Techniques for exploring consequences:

• Link to existing values
• Connect short-term benefits with long-term pain
• Highlight long-term benefits
• Identify hidden victims
• Hold up a mirror to show social implications
• Connect to existing rewards

Remember to stay in dialogue, listening to the other person's perspective on consequences and adjusting your approach accordingly.

5. Make it easy by jointly exploring barriers

There is no great honor in being a leader or parent who is able to encourage people to continually achieve the nearly impossible. It can be gratifying to be an effective motivator, but the best leaders don't simply inspire people to continue to do the gut-wrenching, mind-boggling, and noxious. They help people find ways to ease the gut-wrenching, simplify the mind-boggling, and nullify the noxious.

Collaborate on solutions. Instead of jumping in with your own ideas, ask the other person what they think it will take to overcome the barriers they face. This empowers them and often leads to more effective solutions.

Explore all sources of influence. Consider personal, social, and structural factors that may be hindering performance:

• Personal: Skills, knowledge, physical capacity
• Social: Peer pressure, lack of teamwork, poor communication
• Structural: Inadequate tools, inefficient processes, misaligned incentives

Make compliance easier. Look for ways to simplify tasks, provide better tools or resources, or adjust the environment to support desired behaviors.

6. Stay focused and flexible during accountability discussions

When new problems emerge, remain flexible enough to deal with them—without getting sidetracked. Each time you step up to a new problem, it should be by choice not by accident. Choose; don't meander.

Be prepared for emergent issues. During accountability conversations, new problems may surface that require immediate attention. Be ready to pivot when necessary, while maintaining focus on the original issue.

Techniques for handling emergent issues:

• Recognize when safety is at risk and restore it
• Address violations of trust immediately
• Deal with strong emotions by retracing the other person's path to action
• Use the AMPP listening tools: Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime

Always make a conscious choice about whether to address a new issue or return to the original topic.

7. Agree on a clear plan and follow up consistently

If we don't end an accountability discussion well, we'll have wasted our time and, worse still, are very likely to disappoint people and create unnecessary anxiety. Assignments will drop through the cracks.

Create a specific action plan. Clearly define who will do what by when. Avoid vague commitments or assumptions about next steps.

Elements of a complete plan:

• Who: Assign specific individuals to tasks
• What: Clearly define expectations and deliverables
• When: Set specific deadlines or milestones
• Follow-up: Determine how and when progress will be checked

Choose appropriate follow-up methods. Consider the risk level, trust, and competence when deciding on follow-up frequency and approach. Balance between micromanagement and abandonment.

8. Address common challenges in accountability conversations

Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities.

Prepare for tough situations. Accountability conversations can be particularly challenging in certain scenarios. Be ready to address issues such as:

• Confronting authority figures
• Breaking from group norms
• Dealing with defensive or uncommunicative partners
• Addressing hearsay or secondhand information
• Delivering potentially devastating feedback
• Changing organizational culture
• Avoiding nagging or one-sided relationships

For each challenge, focus on creating safety, describing the gap clearly, and collaboratively exploring solutions. Remember that even longstanding patterns can be changed with consistent effort and the right approach.

Last updated: January 23, 2025