Daddy Issues

1. Feminism's critique of patriarchy has often overlooked the specific, troubling power of fathers.

But for all the talk of patriarchy, has feminism forgotten about fathers?

Overlooked figure. While feminism has extensively critiqued patriarchal power structures in society and the family, the specific role and influence of the father figure have often been less scrutinized. The focus has frequently been on broader male dominance or the mother-child dynamic, leaving the father as a somewhat forgotten figure in the analysis of gender relations and power within the home. This oversight persists despite the father's undeniable historical and psychological significance.

Historical context. Early feminist critiques, like Virginia Woolf's, saw the patriarchal family as a trap and hoped the world of work would offer emancipation. However, this view was often class-bound and overlooked how the workplace itself replicated patriarchal dynamics. While patriarchy as a concept is resurging, often commodified, the specific power wielded by fathers, distinct from general male rule, remains less central to public feminist discourse, sometimes relegated to the realm of private "daddy issues."

Public vs. private. Contemporary concerns about male violence and harassment tend to focus on partners, colleagues, or bosses, even though many of these men are also fathers. The discomfort or difficulty in directly confronting the father figure's power means that "daddy issues" are often framed as personal psychological problems rather than a critical lens through which to understand broader patriarchal structures and their perpetuation.

2. Cultural narratives sentimentalize fathers, masking possessiveness and control as love.

We love a good Daddy.

Sentimental portrayal. Modern culture often portrays fathers, especially new fathers, in a sentimental light, celebrating their involvement in parenting as exceptional or saintly. This cultural cachet for "hands-on" dads contrasts sharply with the expectation that mothers perform the bulk of childcare, which passes unnoticed. This sentimentalization can obscure the underlying power dynamics and expectations placed upon daughters.

Masking control. This idealized image of the father often serves to mask possessiveness and control, framing them instead as protective love. Films like Father of the Bride normalize a father's horror at his daughter's emerging sexuality and his jealousy of her suitors, presenting these reactions as endearing proofs of love rather than expressions of a desire for ownership and control over her life and body.

Cult of family. The broader "cult of the family," promoted through advertising and political rhetoric, further reinforces idealized, often heterosexual, family structures. While the fight for equal family rights is crucial, this veneration of the family unit can go hand-in-hand with policies that harm individuals within families, revealing a blundering ignorance about the risks and power imbalances inherent in domestic life, particularly for women and vulnerable individuals.

3. A father's "love" can be a narcissistic projection, claiming ownership over his daughter's identity and choices.

Everything that Meghan is, I made her.

Claiming ownership. Some fathers exhibit a narcissistic tendency to view their daughters' identities, achievements, and even bodies as extensions of themselves. This is starkly illustrated by figures like Donald Trump objectifying Ivanka or Thomas Markle claiming he "made" Meghan the Duchess she is. This perspective sees the daughter not as an independent subject but as a reflection or product of the father's influence and value.

Displaced desire. This sense of ownership is often intertwined with a disavowed sexual or romantic undercurrent. The cultural phrase "daddy issues" itself hints at this, suggesting daughters seek partners resembling their fathers, while simultaneously mocking the idea. This framing deflects attention from the father's own "daughter issues"—his potential desire for or possessiveness over his daughter, often displaced onto her suitors or choices.

Punitive response. When a daughter asserts independence or chooses a path that doesn't align with the father's narcissistic needs, the father can become punitive. Thomas Markle's retaliation against Meghan for perceived slights exemplifies this. The daughter, previously seen as a mirror of the father's self, is expelled when she ceases to fulfill that function, revealing the cruel lining of possessiveness and over-identification.

4. Abusive father-daughter dynamics are often rooted in the father's own needs, trauma, or fear.

Maybe you’re jealous because your dad left you, I thought, because he doesn’t love you, because he doesn’t care enough to teach you a lesson.

Father's motivations. While fathers inflict pain, their actions are often rooted in their own psychological states, needs, or unresolved traumas. In Ghost Wall, Sylvie's father's violence stems from his need for validation through his historical obsession and his fear of losing control over his daughter. In Leave No Trace, the father's kindness is overshadowed by his PTSD, which isolates his daughter and puts her at risk due to his inability to cope with the social world.

Disguised as care. The violence or control exerted by fathers can be disguised as teaching a lesson, protection, or even love, as Sylvie rationalizes her father's beating. This makes it incredibly difficult for daughters to recognize or articulate the abuse, as their attachment to the father and the cultural script of fatherly love create confusion and loyalty, even in the face of harm.

Impact on daughters. Daughters often become exquisitely attuned to their father's moods and needs, sometimes taking on a mothering role to manage his emotional state, as seen with Tom in Leave No Trace. This attunement, while a survival mechanism, can inhibit the daughter's own development and sense of self, trapping her in the father's troubled orbit and making individuation a painful act of turning away.

5. The father figure, whether brute or "civilized," can prevent a daughter's individuation and sense of self.

Daddy wants what’s best for Daddy.

Controlling influence. Fathers, regardless of whether they are overtly tyrannical or seemingly benign and "civilized," can exert a controlling influence that hinders a daughter's ability to develop an independent self. Valerie Solanas critiqued the "civilized" father as potentially worse than the brute because his control is less obvious and therefore harder to despise and resist.

Preventing ruthless relation. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott suggested that a child needs to be able to defy and even hate a parent without the relationship breaking, pursuing a "ruthless relation" to discover their deepest nature. Fathers who require daughters to perform roles for them, mirroring their own desires or expectations, prevent this necessary process, making it difficult for the daughter to exist as herself, as seen with Ginger and her father Roland in Ginger and Rosa.

Symbolic function. In psychoanalytic theory, the father's intervention in the mother-child dyad is seen as crucial for individuation and entry into the social world (the "nom-du-père"). However, if the father's presence is overwhelming, narcissistic, or based on a lie, this symbolic function is corrupted, trapping the daughter in a false reality or preventing her from separating from the family unit to find her own place in the world, as explored in The Water Cure.

6. Cultural stories and history have often erased or reframed the reality of the abusive father.

Yet incestuous fathers were effaced in collections such as the Brothers Grimm’s Children’s and Household Tales.

Historical erasure. The reality of abusive fathers, particularly incestuous ones, has been systematically erased or downplayed in cultural narratives over time. Studies of fairytale variants show that incestuous fathers were once as common a motif as evil stepmothers, but collections like the Brothers Grimm's significantly reduced or removed these stories, favoring tales of stepmother tyranny.

Reframing abuse. This historical pattern continues in contemporary responses to stories like Kathryn Harrison's memoir The Kiss. Critics reacted with rage and slut-shaming, attempting to reframe her account of incest as a consensual affair because she was an adult, thereby silencing the narrative of the lustful father and echoing the historical tendency to protect the father figure from scrutiny and condemnation.

Protecting the fantasy. The discomfort and hostility directed at stories that expose the abusive father reveal a collective investment in protecting the fantasy of the good father. This resistance makes it difficult to have an honest reckoning with the potential for harm within the patriarchal family structure and perpetuates the silence that allows such abuse to continue, forcing daughters to carry the burden of the secret.

7. True selfhood requires confronting and surviving the internalized parent's influence and demands.

If the object survives the destruction, the subject—the child—can see both itself and the object as separate.

Internalized parent. The influence of parents, particularly fathers, is deeply internalized, shaping a daughter's sense of self and her interactions with the world. Getting rid of the father is not simply a matter of physical separation; it involves confronting and navigating the internal presence he maintains, with all its demands, expectations, and projections.

Aggression and separation. Psychoanalytic theory, particularly Winnicott building on Klein, highlights the crucial role of aggression in development. The child needs to be able to direct destructive impulses towards the parent (the "object") and for the parent to survive this "destruction." This survival allows the child (the "subject") to perceive the parent as a separate, real entity, distinct from their own internal world, which is essential for developing a sense of self.

Surviving the father. For daughters grappling with difficult father dynamics, achieving true selfhood involves a form of confronting and "destroying" the internalized, idealized, or tyrannical father figure. This is not literal destruction but a psychological process of separating from his demands and projections. If the father figure cannot "survive" this process (i.e., if the daughter remains trapped by his influence or the trauma he inflicted), she may struggle to feel real or see the world as real, as explored in The Kiss.

8. The parent's gaze, when demanding or absent,

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Last updated: May 13, 2025