Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again

1. Consent culture oversimplifies complex sexual dynamics

Consent – agreement to sex – should not be conflated with sexual desire, enjoyment or enthusiasm, not because we should be resigned to bad sex, but precisely because we should not be.

Limitations of consent: Consent culture, while well-intentioned, fails to address the nuanced realities of sexual interactions. It often places an undue burden on women to clearly express their desires, which may not always be fully formed or easily articulated. This approach can oversimplify the complex nature of sexual encounters, where desires may shift and evolve during the interaction.

Pressure for clarity: The emphasis on clear, enthusiastic consent can create pressure for individuals to have a level of self-knowledge and assertiveness that may not be realistic or desirable in all situations. This can lead to anxiety and self-doubt, particularly for those who are still exploring their sexuality or who have experienced trauma.

Beyond yes or no: Sexual encounters often involve moments of ambivalence, uncertainty, and exploration that don't fit neatly into a binary framework of "yes" or "no." A more nuanced approach to sexual ethics is needed, one that acknowledges the importance of ongoing communication, mutual respect, and the potential for growth and discovery within sexual experiences.

2. Female desire is often misunderstood and oversimplified

If we want sex to be joyful and fulfilling, it is on sex's contexts that we should focus our emancipatory energies.

Complexity of desire: Female desire is frequently portrayed as either non-existent or voracious, failing to capture the vast spectrum of experiences and motivations that drive women's sexual interests. This oversimplification can lead to harmful stereotypes and unrealistic expectations.

Context matters: Women's desire is often heavily influenced by social, emotional, and environmental factors. Understanding and addressing these contextual elements is crucial for creating conditions that allow female desire to flourish. This includes:

• Addressing societal shame and stigma around female sexuality
• Recognizing the impact of stress, relationship dynamics, and past experiences
• Acknowledging the role of emotional connection and safety in fostering desire

Individuality: It's essential to recognize that there is no universal model of female desire. Each woman's experience is unique and may vary throughout her life. Encouraging exploration and self-understanding, free from societal pressures or expectations, is key to empowering women in their sexuality.

3. Arousal and desire are not always aligned in women

Genital arousal doesn't tell us all there is to know about a subjective sense of sexual arousal – about what someone enjoys. It just tells us about genital arousal.

Physiological vs. subjective: Research has shown that women often experience a disconnect between physical arousal and subjective feelings of desire. This "non-concordance" challenges simplistic notions of female sexuality and highlights the complexity of women's sexual responses.

Implications: This disconnect has important implications for:

• Sexual health: Understanding that arousal doesn't always equate to desire can help women navigate their sexual experiences more confidently.
• Consent discussions: Physical arousal should not be used as a proxy for consent or enthusiasm.
• Research methodologies: Studies focusing solely on physiological responses may miss crucial aspects of female sexual experience.

Holistic approach: Recognizing the potential for non-concordance emphasizes the need for a more holistic understanding of female sexuality, one that considers psychological, emotional, and contextual factors alongside physical responses.

4. Sex research methods can be problematic and misleading

We may like to believe that the body doesn't lie, but all the body does is provide us with complicated information. The body is no arbiter, should be no arbiter.

Limitations of laboratory studies: Many sex research methods, particularly those focusing on physiological responses, have significant limitations. These studies often:

• Remove sexual experiences from their natural contexts
• Rely on artificial stimuli that may not reflect real-world preferences
• Overemphasize physical responses at the expense of subjective experiences

Interpretation biases: The interpretation of sex research findings can be influenced by societal biases and preconceptions about gender and sexuality. This can lead to reinforcing stereotypes rather than challenging them.

Need for diverse approaches: To gain a more comprehensive understanding of human sexuality, research should:

• Incorporate qualitative methods alongside quantitative measures
• Consider cultural and individual variations in sexual experiences
• Acknowledge the limitations of laboratory settings and seek more naturalistic approaches

5. Vulnerability is essential for sexual pleasure and connection

Sometimes, the deepest pleasure is in letting someone in.

Embracing vulnerability: True sexual fulfillment often requires a willingness to be vulnerable with a partner. This vulnerability allows for:

• Deeper emotional connections
• Exploration of desires and boundaries
• Authentic expression of needs and wants

Risks and rewards: Being vulnerable in sexual situations can be scary, particularly for those who have experienced trauma or live in a society that shames certain aspects of sexuality. However, the potential rewards in terms of intimacy, pleasure, and personal growth can be significant.

Creating safe spaces: Fostering environments where vulnerability is respected and honored is crucial for positive sexual experiences. This involves:

• Building trust with partners
• Developing clear communication skills
• Challenging societal norms that equate vulnerability with weakness

6. Male sexuality is shaped by societal expectations and fears

Men hate women so that they don't have to hate themselves.

Toxic masculinity: Societal expectations of male sexuality often emphasize dominance, performance, and emotional detachment. These norms can lead to:

• Difficulty expressing vulnerability or uncertainty
• Pressure to always initiate and be "in control" during sexual encounters
• Fear of rejection or inadequacy

Consequences: These expectations can have negative consequences for both men and their partners:

• Emotional disconnection in intimate relationships
• Anxiety around sexual performance
• Difficulty seeking help for sexual or emotional issues

Redefining masculinity: Challenging these harmful norms is essential for healthier expressions of male sexuality. This involves:

• Encouraging emotional intelligence and vulnerability in men
• Recognizing a wider range of sexual experiences as valid and fulfilling
• Promoting open communication about desires, boundaries, and insecurities

7. Good sex requires embracing uncertainty and exploration

Sometimes sexual desire can take us by surprise; can creep up, unbidden, confounding our plans, and with it our beliefs about ourselves.

Beyond certainty: The pursuit of absolute certainty in sexual encounters can inhibit pleasure and connection. Instead, embracing the unknown aspects of desire can lead to more fulfilling experiences.

Exploration and discovery: Good sex often involves:

• Being open to new sensations and experiences
• Allowing desires to evolve and change over time
• Communicating openly about uncertainties and curiosities

Balancing safety and adventure: While it's important to establish boundaries and feel safe, there's also value in pushing comfort zones (consensually) to discover new aspects of one's sexuality.

8. Sexual ethics should focus on mutual curiosity, not just consent

We must not think of a person's desire as some easily identifiable object, some easily accessible part of a person which they can summon up with ease.

Beyond consent: While consent is crucial, it should be seen as a starting point rather than the end goal of sexual ethics. A more comprehensive approach focuses on:

• Mutual curiosity and exploration
• Ongoing communication throughout sexual encounters
• Respecting the evolving nature of desire and boundaries

Ethical framework: A richer sexual ethic involves:

• Recognizing the complexity and fluidity of desire
• Prioritizing mutual pleasure and satisfaction
• Creating space for vulnerability and honest communication

Shifting the conversation: Moving beyond a narrow focus on consent allows for more nuanced discussions about sexual relationships, addressing power dynamics, emotional needs, and the potential for growth and connection through sexual experiences.

Last updated: August 18, 2024