Do Hard Things

1. Redefining Toughness: From Bulldozing to Navigating Discomfort

Real toughness is experiencing discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It's navigating discomfort to make the best decision you can.

Old model vs. new model. The traditional view of toughness emphasized pushing through pain, ignoring emotions, and "grinding it out" at all costs. This approach often leads to burnout, injury, and poor decision-making. The new model of toughness focuses on:

• Awareness: Recognizing and acknowledging discomfort
• Engagement: Leaning into challenging situations rather than avoiding them
• Thoughtful action: Making deliberate choices rather than reactive decisions
• Flexibility: Adapting strategies based on the situation

Benefits of the new approach. By redefining toughness as a skill of navigation rather than mere endurance, individuals can:

• Improve performance in high-pressure situations
• Develop greater resilience and adaptability
• Make better decisions under stress
• Avoid burnout and maintain long-term well-being

2. Embrace Reality: Accurate Self-Assessment is Key to Performance

Performance = Actual demands ÷ Expected demands

Realistic expectations matter. Accurately assessing both the demands of a situation and your own capabilities is crucial for optimal performance. This balance allows you to:

• Set appropriate goals
• Allocate resources effectively
• Avoid unnecessary stress and disappointment

Strategies for better self-assessment:

1. Gather objective feedback
2. Reflect on past performances
3. Seek input from mentors or coaches
4. Regularly update your self-evaluation

By aligning expectations with reality, you create a foundation for sustained growth and improvement, rather than cycling between overconfidence and disappointment.

3. True Confidence is Quiet: Develop Inner Strength, Not External Bravado

Arrogance sits on insecurity; confidence sits on experience.

Quiet confidence vs. loud insecurity. True confidence is rooted in self-awareness, experience, and a realistic assessment of one's abilities. It doesn't need to be loudly proclaimed or constantly demonstrated. In contrast, arrogance and bravado often mask deep-seated insecurities.

Cultivating inner confidence:

• Focus on personal growth and skill development
• Celebrate small wins and progress
• Learn from failures and setbacks
• Develop a growth mindset
• Practice self-compassion

By building genuine confidence based on experience and self-awareness, you become more resilient in the face of challenges and better equipped to handle both success and failure.

4. Control and Choice: The Foundation of Resilience

When we don't have control, we lose the capacity to cope. It's when we have a choice that toughness is trained.

The power of perceived control. Feeling a sense of control over one's circumstances is crucial for developing resilience and toughness. When individuals believe they have choices and can influence outcomes, they are more likely to:

• Persist in the face of challenges
• Maintain motivation
• Develop creative solutions to problems

Strategies for increasing sense of control:

1. Identify areas where you have influence
2. Break large tasks into smaller, manageable steps
3. Practice decision-making in low-stakes situations
4. Reflect on past instances where you successfully exercised control

Leaders and educators can foster resilience by creating environments that allow for autonomy and decision-making, even in small ways.

5. Emotions as Messengers: Listen to Your Body's Signals

Feelings send a message, conveying information and nudging us toward a behavior.

Emotions as information. Rather than viewing emotions as obstacles to be overcome, the new model of toughness recognizes them as valuable sources of information about our internal and external environment. By learning to interpret these signals, we can:

• Make more informed decisions
• Respond more effectively to challenges
• Improve our overall well-being

Developing emotional intelligence:

• Practice mindfulness to increase awareness of emotions
• Learn to label emotions with specificity
• Explore the underlying causes of emotional responses
• Use emotions as data points in decision-making processes

By treating emotions as messengers rather than enemies, we can harness their power to inform our actions and improve our performance.

6. Master Your Inner Dialogue: Flexibility in Self-Talk

If the messenger (feeling) shouts loud enough, a corresponding thought will enter our awareness to motivate us toward a behavioral response or action. Our inner speech serves to integrate our variety of systems or selves. To bring concerns and motives to awareness and decide what to do with them.

The power of self-talk. Our inner dialogue plays a crucial role in how we interpret and respond to challenges. Developing flexibility in self-talk allows us to:

• Reframe negative situations
• Boost motivation and confidence
• Regulate emotions more effectively
• Make better decisions under pressure

Strategies for mastering inner dialogue:

1. Practice positive self-talk without ignoring reality
2. Use third-person or second-person language for psychological distance
3. Develop a repertoire of motivational phrases or mantras
4. Challenge and reframe negative self-talk

By becoming more aware of and intentional about our inner dialogue, we can better navigate difficult situations and maintain a resilient mindset.

7. Respond, Don't React: Creating Space Between Stimulus and Response

Respond to reality. For most of us, we are not only responding to the actual stress but the reverberations of it. Tough individuals learn to match perception with reality so that they marshal the appropriate response instead of an exaggerated one.

The importance of space. Creating a gap between a stimulus (e.g., a stressful event) and our response allows us to choose more effective actions rather than reacting automatically. This space enables us to:

• Assess the situation more accurately
• Consider multiple options
• Regulate our emotions
• Align our response with our values and goals

Techniques for creating space:

• Practice mindfulness meditation
• Use the "pause and breathe" technique
• Implement a personal "cooling off" period before making decisions
• Develop a pre-performance routine to center yourself

By cultivating this ability to pause and respond thoughtfully, we can make better decisions under pressure and avoid escalating stressful situations.

8. Cultivate Flexible Coping Strategies for Optimal Performance

The best performers tend to have a flexible and adaptive coping ability. They can bounce between different strategies, depending on the demands of the situation.

Adaptability is key. Rather than relying on a single coping strategy, truly tough individuals develop a range of techniques they can apply flexibly based on the specific challenges they face. This adaptability allows them to:

• Respond more effectively to diverse situations
• Maintain performance under varying conditions
• Recover more quickly from setbacks

Developing a coping toolbox:

1. Distraction techniques for short-term stress relief
2. Mindfulness practices for increased awareness
3. Cognitive reframing to change perspective
4. Problem-solving strategies for actionable challenges
5. Social support seeking when appropriate

By cultivating a diverse set of coping strategies and learning when to apply each one, individuals can better navigate the complex landscape of personal and professional challenges.

9. Satisfy Basic Psychological Needs to Foster True Toughness

When we satisfy our needs, we are allowed to fulfill our potential. Satisfying our basic needs is the fuel that allows us to put to work all of the tools we've developed to be tough.

The foundation of toughness. Meeting our core psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness creates a stable platform from which we can develop and apply toughness skills. When these needs are met, individuals are more likely to:

• Persist in the face of challenges
• Maintain intrinsic motivation
• Develop resilience and adaptability

Strategies for satisfying psychological needs:

• Autonomy: Seek opportunities for choice and self-direction
• Competence: Set challenging but achievable goals, celebrate progress
• Relatedness: Cultivate meaningful relationships and social support

Leaders, educators, and coaches can foster toughness by creating environments that support these basic needs, rather than relying on external motivators or punitive measures.

10. Find Meaning in Discomfort: The Path to Post-Traumatic Growth

When we explore instead of avoid, we are able to integrate the experience into our story. We're able to make meaning out of struggle, out of suffering. Meaning is the glue that holds our mind together, allowing us to both respond and recover.

Transforming adversity. By finding meaning in difficult experiences, we can not only survive challenges but potentially grow from them. This process of post-traumatic growth enables individuals to:

• Develop greater resilience
• Gain new perspectives on life
• Deepen relationships and empathy
• Discover new strengths and capabilities

Strategies for meaning-making:

1. Reflect on how challenges have shaped your values and priorities
2. Identify lessons learned from difficult experiences
3. Connect your struggles to a larger purpose or goal
4. Share your story with others to create connection and inspire

By reframing discomfort and adversity as opportunities for growth and meaning, we can develop a more robust and adaptable form of toughness that serves us well in all areas of life.

Last updated: January 22, 2025