Don't Feed the Monkey Mind

1. Recognize the "monkey mind" as the source of anxiety

The monkey mind is an ancient brain-within-a-brain—simple, focused, and hardwired to be autonomous, beyond our direct control.

Our anxiety stems from an evolutionary mechanism. The "monkey mind" is a metaphor for the part of our brain responsible for detecting threats and keeping us safe. This primitive system, centered in the amygdala, constantly scans our environment for danger. When it perceives a threat, it triggers the fight-or-flight response, flooding our body with stress hormones.

The monkey mind often misperceives threats. In our modern world, many of the threats we face are not life-threatening, yet our monkey mind reacts as if they were. This leads to:

• Overestimating the likelihood of negative outcomes
• Underestimating our ability to cope with challenges
• Constant state of low-level anxiety or worry

Recognizing the monkey mind at work is the first step to managing anxiety. By understanding that our anxious thoughts and feelings come from this primitive part of our brain, we can begin to create distance between ourselves and our anxiety.

2. Understand the three false assumptions of the monkey mind-set

These three assumptions are universally shared by all anxious people.

The monkey mind operates on three false assumptions:

1. Intolerance of uncertainty: "I must be 100% certain."
2. Perfectionism: "I must not make mistakes."
3. Over-responsibility: "I am responsible for everyone's happiness and safety."

These assumptions lead to maladaptive behaviors:

• Excessive planning and checking
• Procrastination and avoidance
• Difficulty making decisions
• Taking on others' problems

Recognizing these assumptions in our own thinking is crucial. By identifying when we're operating under these false beliefs, we can begin to challenge and change them, paving the way for more adaptive thoughts and behaviors.

3. Break the cycle of anxiety by stopping safety behaviors

The very things you've been doing to try to control your anxiety are actually what maintain your anxiety.

Safety behaviors perpetuate anxiety. These are actions we take to avoid or reduce anxiety in the short term, but they ultimately reinforce our fears and prevent us from learning that we can cope with uncertainty and discomfort.

Common safety behaviors include:

• Avoidance of anxiety-provoking situations
• Seeking reassurance
• Overthinking and over-preparing
• Distraction

To break the cycle, we must replace safety behaviors with expansive strategies. This means intentionally doing the opposite of what our anxiety tells us to do. For example:

• Facing feared situations instead of avoiding them
• Tolerating uncertainty instead of seeking constant reassurance
• Taking action despite not feeling fully prepared

4. Welcome and process necessary feelings

Negative feelings, the very feelings that we find the most uncomfortable and challenging, are the feelings we need to process in order to grow.

Anxiety and discomfort are necessary for growth. When we try to avoid or suppress these feelings, we prevent ourselves from developing resilience and expanding our comfort zone.

The "Welcoming Breath" technique:

1. Locate where you feel discomfort in your body
2. Breathe intentionally into that area
3. Welcome the feeling, allowing it to be present
4. Continue breathing and welcoming, even as the feeling changes

"Ask for More" to accelerate your training. Counter-intuitively, asking for more anxiety or discomfort can help reduce its power over you. This approach:

• Undermines resistance to the feeling
• Keeps you focused on your expansion goal
• Trains your brain that you can handle these sensations

5. Manage anxious thoughts with "Thank the Monkey" and "Worry Time"

You cannot ignore, suppress, or debate with the monkey!

"Thank the Monkey" technique:

1. Notice anxious thoughts without judging them
2. Acknowledge each thought with a simple "Thank you, monkey"
3. Return your focus to your present task or goal

This approach creates distance between you and your anxious thoughts, allowing you to observe them without getting caught up in them.

"Worry Time" technique:

1. Schedule a specific time each day for worrying
2. During this time, worry intensely for 10-20 minutes
3. Outside of Worry Time, postpone worries to the next scheduled session

Worry Time helps contain anxious thoughts and reduces their impact on your daily life. It also demonstrates that you can control when you worry, rather than letting worry control you.

6. Align your actions with personal values to expand your life

Just imagine what your life would be like if you actually believed you could handle things whether or not they turned out like you planned, if you didn't have to be 100% perfect in every action you took, and if you didn't have to fix everyone else's problems.

Identifying and living by your personal values is crucial for expansion. Values provide direction and motivation for facing anxiety and discomfort. They remind us why we're pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones.

Steps to align with your values:

1. Identify your core personal values (e.g., creativity, authenticity, growth)
2. Choose expansion opportunities that align with these values
3. Create an Expansion Chart to plan your practice
4. Refer to your values when facing challenges

An Expansion Chart includes:

• The situation you're practicing with
• Your personal values guiding you
• Your old monkey mind-set and strategies
• Your new expansive mind-set and strategies
• The necessary feelings you expect to face

7. Practice expansion strategies in low-stakes situations

Until you develop some resilience to anxiety, the best leverage you have with the monkey during your practice is to begin at level one.

Start with "level one" situations. These are low-stakes opportunities that allow you to practice your new mind-set and strategies without overwhelming anxiety.

Examples of low-stakes practices:

• For perfectionism: Leave some clutter in your workspace
• For intolerance of uncertainty: Try a new flavor of ice cream
• For over-responsibility: Let others do things for themselves

Gradually increase the challenge level. As you build resilience in low-stakes situations, you'll be better prepared to handle more anxiety-provoking challenges.

8. Praise yourself for the process, not just outcomes

Evaluate your practice session on the process, not the outcome.

Focus on effort and implementation, not results. When practicing expansion strategies, it's crucial to praise yourself for:

• Honoring your values
• Using expansive strategies
• Welcoming necessary feelings

Be your own supportive coach. Actively look for ways you're succeeding in your practice, even if the outcome isn't perfect. This positive reinforcement helps build new neural pathways and makes it easier to continue your expansion work.

Avoid grading yourself on "hitting the bull's-eye." Perfect outcomes or complete absence of anxiety shouldn't be the goal. Instead, celebrate your willingness to face challenges and your commitment to the expansion process.

Last updated: October 20, 2024