Emotional Agility

1. Emotional Agility: The Key to Thriving in a Complex World

"Emotional agility is about loosening up, calming down and living with more intention."

Adapting to change. Emotional agility is the ability to navigate life's ups and downs with self-acceptance, clear-sightedness, and an open mind. It involves facing into difficult thoughts and feelings, such as grief, sadness, and self-doubt, and learning to move past them to bring your boldest self to your biggest challenges.

Breaking free from rigidity. Many people get "hooked" by thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don't serve them well. These hooks can lead to patterns of stubbornness, procrastination, or self-doubt. Emotional agility is about recognizing when you're stuck and choosing to move forward in a way that aligns with your core values and goals.

Four key concepts. The process of developing emotional agility involves four essential movements:

• Showing Up: Facing thoughts and feelings willingly, with curiosity and kindness
• Stepping Out: Detaching from and observing thoughts and emotions
• Walking Your Why: Focusing on core values and important goals
• Moving On: Making small, deliberate tweaks to habits, mindsets, and motivations

2. Showing Up: Facing Your Thoughts and Emotions with Curiosity

"Showing up involves acknowledging our thoughts without ever having to believe they are literally true."

Embracing discomfort. Instead of trying to ignore or suppress difficult emotions, emotional agility requires us to face them head-on. This means accepting that all emotions, even the uncomfortable ones, have a purpose and can provide valuable information about our lives and experiences.

Practicing self-compassion. When we show up to our emotions, it's important to do so with kindness and understanding. This involves treating ourselves with the same compassion we would offer a good friend, recognizing that imperfection is part of the human experience.

Developing emotional vocabulary. A crucial aspect of showing up is being able to accurately label our emotions. This helps us to:

• Understand our experiences more clearly
• Communicate our feelings effectively
• Gain insights into our needs and motivations
• Respond to situations more appropriately

3. Stepping Out: Creating Distance from Unhelpful Thoughts

"When you've stepped out you can see things you haven't seen before."

Observing your inner world. Stepping out involves creating distance between yourself and your thoughts and emotions. This allows you to observe them objectively, rather than getting caught up in them or believing they represent absolute truth.

Breaking free from hooks. Common hooks that can trap us include:

• Thought-blaming: Attributing our actions to our thoughts
• Monkey mind: Letting our thoughts swing wildly from one topic to another
• Old, outgrown ideas: Clinging to beliefs that no longer serve us
• Wrongheaded righteousness: Insisting on being right at all costs

Practicing mindfulness. Techniques for stepping out include:

• Labeling thoughts and emotions: "I'm having the thought that..."
• Using metaphors: Seeing thoughts as leaves floating down a stream
• Cognitive defusion: Repeating a word until it loses its emotional charge
• Meditation: Observing thoughts without engaging with them

4. Walking Your Why: Aligning Actions with Core Values

"Values are not rules that are supposed to govern us, but as qualities of purposeful action that we can bring to many aspects of life."

Identifying core values. Walking your why involves recognizing what truly matters to you and using these values as a compass for your actions and decisions. This might include values such as creativity, family, integrity, or personal growth.

Making values-based choices. Once you've identified your core values, the challenge is to align your daily actions with them. This often involves making difficult choices and facing fears, but it leads to a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Overcoming societal pressures. Walking your why requires:

• Resisting social contagion: The tendency to adopt others' behaviors and beliefs
• Challenging cultural norms: Questioning whether societal expectations align with your values
• Making intentional choices: Actively deciding how to spend your time and energy, rather than defaulting to what's expected

5. Moving On: The Power of Tiny Tweaks for Lasting Change

"Nature favors evolution, not revolution."

Embracing incremental change. Rather than attempting dramatic overnight transformations, emotional agility emphasizes the power of small, consistent adjustments. These "tiny tweaks" can lead to significant changes over time without overwhelming us or triggering resistance.

Areas for tweaking. To move on effectively, focus on making small changes in three key areas:

1. Mindset: Shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset
2. Motivation: Finding intrinsic "want-to" motivations rather than extrinsic "have-to" reasons
3. Habits: Developing routines that align with your values and goals

Strategies for tiny tweaks:

• The no-brainer: Make the desired behavior the easiest choice
• The piggyback: Add a new behavior to an existing habit
• The pre-commitment: Anticipate obstacles and prepare for them
• The obstacle course: Imagine potential challenges to stay realistic

6. The See-Saw Principle: Balancing Challenge and Competence

"Flourishing means expanding both the range of what you do and the depth or skill with which you do it."

Finding the sweet spot. The See-Saw Principle involves finding a balance between challenge and competence. When we're over-challenged, we become stressed and overwhelmed. When we're under-challenged, we become bored and disengaged. The goal is to find a "just right" level of challenge that keeps us engaged and growing.

Recognizing stagnation. Signs you may be stuck on a plateau include:

• Feeling bored or unchallenged in your work or relationships
• Relying too heavily on autopilot behaviors
• Lacking a sense of growth or progress

Strategies for growth:

• Seek out new experiences and skills
• Set challenging but achievable goals
• Embrace discomfort as a sign of growth
• Regularly reassess and adjust your challenges

7. Cultivating Emotional Agility in Children and at Work

"By being emotionally agile yourself you will help your children learn the same skills."

Leading by example. The most effective way to teach emotional agility is to practice it yourself. This involves showing up to your own emotions, stepping out to gain perspective, and making choices based on your values, even in challenging situations.

Fostering autonomy. Encourage children and employees to develop their own decision-making skills and internal motivations. This involves:

• Honoring their unique qualities and interests
• Providing choices whenever possible
• Explaining the rationale behind rules and decisions
• Minimizing external rewards and punishments

Creating psychologically safe environments. Both at home and in the workplace, it's crucial to create an atmosphere where people feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or reprisal. This involves:

• Acknowledging and validating emotions
• Encouraging open communication
• Viewing mistakes as opportunities for learning
• Promoting a growth mindset

By cultivating emotional agility in ourselves and others, we can create more resilient, adaptable, and fulfilling lives, better equipped to navigate the complexities of our rapidly changing world.

Last updated: January 22, 2025