Permission to Feel

1. Emotions are essential information for survival and success

"Emotions are a big part—maybe the biggest part—of what makes us human."

Emotions guide our actions. They influence our attention, memory, decision-making, creativity, and social relationships. Far from being irrational impulses, emotions evolved as sophisticated information-processing systems that help us navigate complex environments and social interactions. They signal what's important, motivate us to act, and communicate our internal states to others.

Emotional intelligence is trainable. While some people may be naturally more attuned to emotions, everyone can develop their emotional skills. The RULER framework—Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions—provides a systematic approach to building emotional intelligence. By honing these skills, we can harness the power of emotions to enhance our well-being, relationships, and performance in all areas of life.

2. Recognizing emotions is the first step to emotional intelligence

"Recognition is especially critical because most of our communication is nonverbal."

Nonverbal cues reveal emotions. Facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and other subtle signals often communicate more about our emotional state than words. Developing the ability to accurately read these cues in ourselves and others is foundational to emotional intelligence.

The Mood Meter tool aids recognition. This visual representation organizes emotions along two axes: pleasantness and energy. By plotting our emotional state on this grid, we can quickly identify which quadrant we're in (red: high energy, unpleasant; blue: low energy, unpleasant; green: low energy, pleasant; yellow: high energy, pleasant) and gain insight into our current emotional experience.

• Red emotions: anger, anxiety, stress
• Blue emotions: sadness, disappointment, loneliness
• Green emotions: calm, contentment, serenity
• Yellow emotions: joy, excitement, optimism

3. Understanding emotions reveals their underlying causes and themes

"Understanding requires the use of our storytelling ability, perspective-taking skills, and pattern seeking to piece together the concatenation of feelings and events that led to the current situation."

Emotions have core themes. Each emotion is linked to a specific appraisal of a situation. For example:

• Anger often stems from perceived unfairness
• Fear is a response to potential danger
• Sadness typically follows a loss
• Joy arises from goal attainment or positive experiences

Context matters. To truly understand emotions, we must consider the broader situation, personal history, and cultural factors that shape how an individual interprets and reacts to events. This deeper understanding allows us to respond more empathetically and effectively to our own and others' emotional experiences.

4. Labeling emotions with precision enhances self-awareness and communication

"If we can't discern the difference, it suggests that we can't understand it either. It's the difference between a rich emotional life and an impoverished one."

Emotional granularity improves outcomes. People with a more nuanced emotional vocabulary—who can distinguish between similar emotions like irritation, frustration, and anger—tend to be better at regulating their emotions and have improved mental health outcomes. They're also more adept at communicating their emotional experiences to others.

Expand your emotion vocabulary. Move beyond basic terms like "good" or "bad" to more specific descriptors. For example:

• Instead of "angry": frustrated, irritated, indignant, enraged
• Instead of "sad": disappointed, melancholy, grief-stricken, despondent
• Instead of "happy": content, elated, jubilant, serene

5. Expressing emotions appropriately fosters better relationships

"When we express our emotions, we're saying: Here's what I feel and why. Here's what I want to happen next. Here's what I need from you right now."

Cultural and contextual norms influence expression. Different settings (work, home, public) and relationships (friends, family, colleagues) have implicit rules about appropriate emotional expression. Being aware of these "display rules" helps us navigate social situations more effectively.

Authentic expression builds connection. While it's important to consider context, suppressing emotions entirely can lead to isolation and misunderstanding. Learning to express emotions in a way that is both genuine and appropriate for the situation strengthens relationships and promotes mutual understanding.

6. Regulating emotions is key to achieving personal and professional goals

"Emotion regulation is at the top of the RULER hierarchy. It's likely the most complex of the five skills and the most challenging."

Regulation doesn't mean suppression. The goal of emotion regulation is not to eliminate negative emotions, but to manage our emotional responses in ways that align with our long-term goals and values. This might involve:

• Changing the situation (e.g., avoiding triggers)
• Shifting attention (e.g., distraction)
• Reappraising the meaning of events
• Modulating our response (e.g., deep breathing)

Develop a repertoire of strategies. Different situations call for different regulation approaches. Having a diverse toolkit of regulation strategies allows us to flexibly respond to various emotional challenges.

7. Developing emotion skills creates thriving individuals and communities

"When we unlock the wisdom of emotions, we can raise heathy kids who will both achieve their dreams and make the world a better place."

Emotional intelligence benefits multiple domains. Research shows that individuals with higher emotional intelligence tend to have:

• Better academic and work performance
• Stronger relationships
• Improved mental and physical health
• Greater leadership abilities
• Enhanced creativity and problem-solving skills

Societal impact. As more people develop emotional intelligence, we can create communities and institutions that are more empathetic, collaborative, and innovative. This has the potential to address major societal challenges, from improving education to reducing conflict and promoting mental health.

8. Emotional intelligence is crucial in education and the workplace

"Emotions are the most powerful force inside the workplace—as they are in every human endeavor."

Emotions influence learning. Students' emotional states significantly impact their ability to focus, remember information, and engage in creative problem-solving. Creating emotionally supportive classroom environments can dramatically improve academic outcomes and student well-being.

Workplace performance depends on EI. Emotional intelligence is linked to:

• Better decision-making
• Improved teamwork and collaboration
• Higher job satisfaction and lower burnout
• More effective leadership
• Enhanced customer service

Organizations that prioritize emotional intelligence in hiring, training, and organizational culture tend to outperform those that don't.

9. Mindful breathing and cognitive reframing are powerful regulation tools

"Mindful breathing helps us to hit the brake on the activation of our stress response system by decreasing our heart rate."

Mindful breathing calms the nervous system. Taking slow, deliberate breaths activates the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress hormones and promoting a state of calm. This simple technique can be used anytime, anywhere to regain emotional balance.

Cognitive reframing changes emotional responses. By consciously reinterpreting a situation, we can alter our emotional reaction to it. For example, viewing a challenging task as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat can shift us from anxiety to excitement. This doesn't mean denying reality, but rather finding alternative perspectives that are both realistic and more constructive.

10. Creating emotion-positive environments benefits everyone

"Feelings are a form of information. They're like news reports from inside our psyches, sending messages about what's going on inside the unique person that is each of us in response to whatever internal or external events we're experiencing."

Emotion charters set the tone. In schools, workplaces, and families, collaboratively creating a charter that outlines desired emotional states and strategies to achieve them can transform the emotional climate. This shared vision and commitment to emotional well-being fosters more supportive, productive environments.

Leadership matters. Whether in a classroom, boardroom, or home, leaders play a crucial role in shaping the emotional atmosphere. By modeling emotional intelligence and prioritizing the emotional needs of others, leaders can create cultures where people feel valued, understood, and empowered to express and manage their emotions effectively.

Last updated: January 23, 2025