Existentialism and Romantic Love

1. Existentialism challenges traditional romantic ideals

"Existential philosophies provide the narratives to interrogate implicit assumptions about romantic loving behaviors and expectations, and to bring into question saccharine romantic fictions."

Existentialism rejects romantic myths. The philosophy critiques common notions of love as destiny, perfect union, or a cure for life's ills. Instead, it emphasizes:

• Love as a choice, not fate
• The impossibility of complete merging
• The need for individual autonomy within relationships

Existentialists seek authenticity in love. They argue that blindly following societal expectations or idealized notions of romance leads to inauthentic relationships. Authentic love requires:

• Self-awareness and honesty
• Acceptance of love's inherent challenges and limitations
• Continuous effort and commitment

2. Freedom and authenticity are central to existential love

"To lead a hedonistic life ruled by immediate gratification means that one is a slave to one's desires, or in other words, ruled by natural urges and drives."

Freedom in love is paramount. Existentialists argue that true love must respect and enhance each partner's freedom, rather than restrict it. This involves:

• Rejecting possessiveness and jealousy
• Supporting each other's individual growth and pursuits
• Choosing to be together, rather than feeling obligated

Authenticity requires self-creation. Existential philosophers emphasize that we are not born with fixed essences, but rather create ourselves through our choices and actions. In love, this means:

• Defining one's own values and expectations in relationships
• Resisting societal pressures to conform to predetermined roles
• Continuously choosing and re-choosing one's commitment to love

3. Passionate love must be balanced with self-mastery

"Nietzsche suggested that it is crude to use freedom as an excuse for promiscuous sex."

Passion is vital but potentially destructive. Existentialists recognize the power and importance of passionate love, but warn against being ruled by it. They advocate:

• Embracing the intensity of love without being consumed by it
• Maintaining self-control and rationality alongside passion
• Using passion as a catalyst for growth and creativity

Self-mastery enhances love. By cultivating self-discipline and emotional intelligence, individuals can experience deeper, more fulfilling relationships. This involves:

• Developing self-awareness and emotional regulation
• Balancing individual needs with those of the relationship
• Using passion as a tool for self-expression and connection, rather than escape or dependency

4. The illusion of merging in love creates conflict

"Sartre acknowledged that lovers sometimes do feel as if they have achieved the ideal, but any respite is brief because escaping the vicious cycle of assimilation and appropriation is nearly impossible."

Complete union is impossible. Existentialists argue that the desire to merge completely with another person is both unattainable and potentially harmful. This illusion leads to:

• Disappointment and frustration when reality falls short
• Attempts to control or possess the other person
• Loss of individual identity and autonomy

Healthy love respects separateness. Instead of seeking fusion, existential love embraces the inherent otherness of partners. This approach:

• Celebrates differences and individual growth
• Fosters mutual respect and appreciation
• Allows for a more realistic and sustainable connection

5. Anxiety in love stems from its inherent instability

"Existentially, we are thrown into an ever-changing, unstable existence, and in it we are creative nothingnesses, always becoming and evolving and free to define ourselves as we choose."

Love's uncertainty creates anxiety. The existential view of life as inherently uncertain and ever-changing extends to romantic relationships. This instability manifests as:

• Fear of loss or abandonment
• Insecurity about the future of the relationship
• Anxiety about one's own and one's partner's changing nature

Embracing uncertainty leads to growth. Rather than seeking false security, existentialists argue for accepting and even embracing the anxiety inherent in love. This approach can:

• Foster personal and relational resilience
• Encourage ongoing communication and mutual understanding
• Lead to a deeper appreciation of each moment in the relationship

6. Intimacy in love is limited by our separateness

"Lovers long for connections between them, but the bridges we build are fragile."

Complete understanding is impossible. Existentialists highlight the fundamental separateness of human beings, which limits the depth of intimacy possible in relationships. This means:

• We can never fully know another person's subjective experience
• Communication and empathy are always imperfect
• There will always be some degree of mystery in our partners

Limited intimacy can enhance love. By accepting the boundaries of intimacy, partners can cultivate a deeper appreciation for the connection they do share. This perspective:

• Encourages ongoing curiosity and exploration in relationships
• Respects the autonomy and privacy of each individual
• Allows for a more realistic and sustainable form of closeness

7. Existential love embraces conflict as constructive

"Although Beauvoir strove for harmony, she realized that it had to be constantly worked for, suggesting that struggling is a fundamental part of understanding one's being in the world."

Conflict is inevitable and valuable. Rather than seeing disagreements as a sign of relationship failure, existentialists view them as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding. This approach:

• Encourages open communication and honest expression
• Challenges partners to examine their beliefs and values
• Leads to stronger, more resilient relationships

Constructive conflict fosters growth. By engaging in respectful disagreement and working through challenges together, partners can:

• Deepen their understanding of themselves and each other
• Develop better problem-solving and communication skills
• Create a relationship that evolves and adapts over time

8. Love should complement, not define, one's existence

"Beauvoir highlighted the fact that love is a high-risk game and what is really important is that lovers strive toward authentic projects and also respect and support each other in their individual quests, even if it means that lovers are not always each other's top priority, and even if it risks the death of love."

Love is not life's sole purpose. Existentialists warn against making romantic love the center of one's existence, arguing that this leads to inauthenticity and dependency. Instead, they advocate:

• Pursuing individual passions and goals alongside love
• Maintaining a sense of self separate from the relationship
• Supporting each other's personal growth and aspirations

Balanced love enriches life. By viewing love as one important aspect of a fulfilling life, rather than its entire purpose, individuals can:

• Develop more well-rounded, resilient identities
• Bring diverse experiences and perspectives to the relationship
• Create a partnership based on mutual respect and admiration

9. Authentic love requires ongoing choice and commitment

"A loving relationship, in Sartre's view, is a synthesis of past loving actions, presently choosing oneself as a loving person doing loving things, and projecting oneself into the future as one who will love a particular person."

Love is an active, ongoing choice. Existentialists reject the notion of love as a passive state or uncontrollable force. Instead, they see it as a continuous series of choices and actions. This means:

• Regularly reaffirming one's commitment to the relationship
• Taking responsibility for one's actions and their impact on the partner
• Actively working to maintain and deepen the connection

Commitment enhances freedom. By freely choosing to commit to a relationship, individuals can experience a deeper sense of authenticity and self-creation. This commitment:

• Provides a framework for personal growth and self-discovery
• Offers opportunities for meaningful shared experiences
• Allows for the development of a rich, evolving partnership

Last updated: April 29, 2025