Fifty Things That Aren't My Fault

1. Modern Womanhood is Overwhelmingly Complicated

Life is overflowing with expectations and obligations that use up our time, energy, and spirit and leave us feeling exhausted, insecure, and alone.

Endless demands. Modern women face a relentless barrage of expectations, from maintaining perfect appearance and managing complex finances to navigating social media and being an ideal parent/daughter/friend. These demands consume time and energy, leaving little left for self-care or simple tasks. The author highlights the sheer volume of small, time-consuming details that disproportionately affect women.

Time saps. Mundane tasks become complicated time sinks. Simple things like managing bonus club cards, resetting passwords, or even just getting dressed involve layers of decisions and potential frustrations that add up throughout the day. This constant drain contributes to feelings of being overwhelmed and behind.

Unseen burdens. Many of these pressures are invisible or dismissed as trivial, yet they contribute significantly to stress and exhaustion. The author contrasts her own time-consuming routines with the perceived simplicity of men's lives, noting the thousands of "extra hours" men seem to have due to fewer societal expectations regarding appearance and domestic details.

2. Body Image Struggles Persist Across Generations

It’s not my fault that even though I helped pioneer a generation to think completely differently, I’ve somehow raised a daughter who sobs in the swimwear department dressing room just like I did—with me standing right beside her!

Contradictory messages. Women are bombarded with conflicting messages: embrace natural curves while also striving to be skinny, feel confident at any size while being offered countless products to reduce, shrink, and minimize. This hypocrisy creates confusion and perpetuates insecurity.

Aging body surprises. Just when the author feels ready to accept the body she used to hate, it changes again, presenting new challenges like "Grandma's legs" or feet that outgrow all her shoes. These unexpected changes are demoralizing because they feel irreversible and highlight the relentless march of time.

The swimwear torture chamber. The dressing room, particularly in the swimwear department, remains a battleground for self-esteem. Despite decades of progress in women's empowerment, the experience of trying on swimsuits under harsh lighting, surrounded by unrealistic standards, can instantly undo hard-won confidence.

3. Mother-Daughter Bonds Are Deeply Tangled (and Loving)

“Did you brush your hair today, honey?”

Love vs. critique. The deep, unconditional love between mothers and daughters often coexists with an immediate tendency towards nit-picking and criticism upon reunion. Despite intentions for relaxed, happy visits, mothers often revert to policing appearance or habits, triggering familiar conflicts.

Shifting dynamics. As daughters grow and seek independence, the mother-daughter relationship undergoes a complex shift. Mothers struggle to let go and stop "parenting," while daughters resist perceived control, leading to moments of tension even amidst profound connection and mutual need.

Communication challenges. Different generations have different communication styles (calls vs. texts), adding another layer of potential misunderstanding and anxiety. Mothers grapple with their children's need for space and independence, often interpreting silence as rejection or a sign of trouble.

4. Caring for Aging Parents Involves Role Reversal and Resistance

“We’ll get back to you when we’re older.”

The "Next Adventure" standoff. Adult children often try to plan for their aging parents' future needs, suggesting things like assisted living or emergency alert systems. However, parents frequently resist these suggestions, asserting their independence and denying the need for help, creating frustrating standoffs.

Protecting the protectors. The role reversal of adult children trying to care for parents who have always been their protectors is emotionally challenging. Parents, despite physical limitations, often continue to prioritize their children's well-being, making it difficult for children to assert control or express worries.

Technology and change resistance. Aging parents often struggle with new technology and modern conveniences, preferring familiar, sometimes outdated, systems. Attempts to "upgrade" their lives, while well-intentioned, can make them feel incompetent and disrupt comforting routines, leading to resistance.

5. Technology Adds New Layers of Frustration and Disconnect

It’s not my fault I can never find songs on the car radio because I haven’t had three hours to learn how to program the simplified digitized car radio menu screen!

Complexity overload. Modern technology, while promising convenience, often introduces frustrating complexity. Simple tasks become multi-step processes requiring passwords, updates, and troubleshooting, making users feel inept and wasting valuable time.

Disconnect from reality. The digital world can feel isolating, contrasting sharply with the face-to-face interactions valued by older generations. The author notes how her parents prioritize in-person banking and mail delivery, while her daughter navigates a world of online transactions and minimal human contact.

New anxieties. Technology creates new sources of worry and inefficiency. Losing a smartphone, dealing with email overload, or navigating confusing interfaces become everyday struggles that add to the feeling of being overwhelmed and disconnected from the physical world.

6. Self-Acceptance is a Constant, Contradictory Journey

I like being a woman. I like rules, structure, and tips. I want to fit into the Club, or at least be somewhere on the edge of the Club.

Internal conflict. Women often grapple with internal contradictions, wanting to embrace who they are while also feeling pressure to conform to external standards. This leads to moments of rebellion (like washing one's face with bath soap) followed by a return to familiar routines and insecurities.

The pursuit of perfection. Despite knowing better, the author and her peers are still influenced by the pursuit of an unattainable ideal, whether in appearance, productivity, or life choices. This constant striving can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-disgust when reality falls short.

Finding small victories. Amidst the larger struggles, finding small moments of self-acceptance or defiance can be incredibly rejuvenating. Simple acts like organizing a drawer or choosing not to follow a beauty rule can provide a temporary sense of peace and control.

7. Everyday Absurdities Reveal Deeper Truths

One Bubble Wrap scrap used up my whole day, and by the time I’m done driving back to all the stores and standing in customer service lines to return all the storage system versions I don’t want, it will have used up my whole weekend.

Mundane sagas. Seemingly simple tasks can spiral into complex, time-consuming sagas. The author's attempt to discard a piece of bubble wrap or buy storage bins turns into a multi-day odyssey, highlighting how easily everyday life can become absurdly complicated.

Relatable struggles. These absurd experiences, while frustrating, are often deeply relatable. The humor in these situations comes from recognizing shared struggles with things like clutter, shopping dilemmas, or the inability to simply throw things away.

Inherited habits. The author's struggles with clutter and saving things are often linked to her mother's habits, revealing how behaviors and anxieties can be passed down through generations, adding layers of emotional complexity to even the most trivial tasks.

8. Letting Go of the Past is Harder Than Expected

Grief stares back. My happy shoe shelves, now a footwear cemetery.

Emotional attachment to objects. Possessions are not just things; they are repositories of memories, dreams, and past selves. Letting go of clothes, shoes, or other items can feel like saying goodbye to significant life moments or versions of oneself.

Facing transitions. Decluttering and organizing often force confrontation with major life transitions, such as children leaving home or parents aging. These tasks become emotionally charged as they involve dismantling physical spaces that hold the history of a family.

The fear of emptiness. The urge to get rid of things is often counteracted by the fear of the emptiness that will be left behind. Facing a clean closet or an empty bedroom can be a painful reminder of what has been lost or is changing.

9. Finding Connection in Shared Imperfection

Tonight, that’s the wonderful, wonderful woman who makes me feel okay.

Solace in commiseration. Knowing that others share similar struggles provides comfort and reduces feelings of isolation. The author finds strength and validation in imagining other women facing the same everyday frustrations, like feeling too disgusted to floss at the end of the day.

The power of female friendship. Friends who understand and commiserate about shared experiences, from dating mishaps to parenting challenges, offer invaluable support. These connections, built on shared vulnerability and humor, help navigate life's complexities.

Unexpected sources of support. Sometimes, support comes from unexpected places, like a collection of stuffed animals who witnessed a child's upbringing or a brief, knowing glance from a stranger. These small connections reinforce the feeling of not being entirely alone in one's struggles.

10. Love and Relationships Remain Complex at Any Age

Love, on the other hand, will apparently never quite be finished with us.

Past relationship lessons. Reflecting on past romantic relationships, both successful and failed, provides perspective on choices made and lessons learned. The author humorously recounts dating struggles and the challenges of living with a partner, highlighting the enduring complexities of love.

The enduring hope for connection. Despite past heartbreaks or the decision to be "done with love," the possibility of new connections can still spark hope. A simple gesture, like a handsome man opening a door, can trigger a surprising reaction, suggesting that the desire for connection remains.

Blended family dynamics. Creating a blended family brings unique joys and challenges. The author reflects on the love shared within her blended family, acknowledging the sadness of its eventual restructuring but cherishing the lasting bonds formed.

11. The "Sandwich Generation" Feels Flattened by Pressure

They call it the “sandwich generation,” but it seems much more squashed than that. More like the “panini generation.”

Caught in the middle. Being part of the "sandwich generation," simultaneously caring for aging parents and launching adult children, creates immense pressure. The author feels flattened by the demands from both sides, struggling to meet everyone's needs while also navigating her own life stage.

Pressure to reinvent. Unlike previous generations who might have embraced a quieter retirement, the author's generation faces pressure to constantly reinvent and pursue new goals. This expectation adds to the feeling of being behind or inadequate if one isn't constantly achieving.

Existential angst. This life stage brings an acute awareness of time passing and the inevitability of loss. The pressure to make the most of remaining time, coupled with the emotional weight of caring for multiple generations, leads to feelings of panic and a sense of running out of time for personal dreams.

Last updated: May 19, 2025