Fight Fair!

1. Conflict is Inevitable; Fair Fighting is a Choice.

Conflict, which someone has said is the art of disagreeing while still holding hands, is a game without rules.

Part of Life. Conflict is not an optional extra in marriage; it's a fundamental part of life. Differences in personality, temperament, and life demands inevitably lead to disagreements. The key is not to avoid conflict, but to learn how to navigate it constructively.

Fight Nicely. The concept of "fighting nicely" might seem like a contradiction, but it's about disagreeing respectfully and productively. This involves establishing clear rules and having a good "referee" (either internal or external) to ensure fairness. Without rules, conflict can easily devolve into "gouging, biting, and hitting below the belt," damaging the relationship.

Rules of Engagement. This book serves as a guide to creating your own "Marquis de Queensberry's Rules for Conflict" in your relationship. It's not about imposing external rules, but about couples agreeing on guidelines for successful conflict resolution. This includes identifying unproductive behaviors ("Personal Fouls") and committing to avoiding them.

2. Conflicts Arise From Unmet Needs, Not Just Disagreements.

A marriage without conflicts is almost as inconceivable as a nation without crises.

Triggers, Not Causes. Conflicts often erupt over seemingly trivial topics, but these topics are merely triggers. The real causes lie deeper, in unmet needs and underlying tensions within the relationship. Like tall buildings attracting lightning, topics simply provide a place for conflict to ground.

The Gathering Storm. These unmet needs can build up over time, creating a "gathering storm" of resentment and frustration. This can stem from feeling like business partners rather than intimate companions, leading to a sense of loneliness and isolation. When couples don't invest time in nurturing their relationship, a "vapor of coldness and discouragement" begins to condense.

Building a Buffer. To prevent these storms, couples need to create an atmosphere of trust, respect, and confidence. This involves making time for each other, offering encouragement and support, and fostering attitudes like "I'm confident of your love for me" and "I know you're trying." When these attitudes are present, it's easier to overlook minor annoyances and misunderstandings.

3. The Goal: Understanding, Intimacy, and Resolution.

The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.

Beyond Winning. Many marital conflicts are driven by the desire to "win" the argument, but in marriage, victory is a prize no one can afford. A "Pyrrhic victory" can destroy the relationship, leaving both partners wounded. Instead, the true objective of conflict should be to strengthen the bond, not break it.

Three Objectives. The game of conflict should have three primary objectives:

• To understand each other better: Every conflict is a journey into the final frontier, gathering clues to understand your mate's thoughts, feelings, and actions.
• To develop greater intimacy: Conflict is a battle against the natural drift toward coldness and isolation, a fight for closeness and connection.
• To clean up toxic waste: Conflict is a cleanup campaign, removing the anger, bitterness, and resentment that separate you.

Stay on Track. By keeping these objectives in mind, couples can ensure that their efforts contribute to a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. It's about transforming disagreements into opportunities for growth and connection.

4. Attitude Trumps Rules: Humility, Responsibility, and Humor.

More important, conflict is often a game played with a losing attitude.

Beyond Technique. While rules and guidelines are helpful, success in conflict resolution depends even more on the attitudes you bring to the game. Humility, generosity, gentleness, and a genuine desire to work things out are crucial. Without these attitudes, no set of rules will prevent you from being stubborn or punishing your mate.

Six Essential Attitudes:

• Willingness to engage: A commitment to expend the energy necessary to resolve the issue.
• Humility: The willingness to admit that you might be wrong.
• Willingness to take responsibility: Facing the consequences of your actions.
• Willingness to change: Adapting to give your marriage a better life together.
• Sense of humor: The ability to laugh at yourself, not your mate.
• A thick skin: The ability to let minor offenses go.

Winning Attitude. These attitudes are crucial to winning at conflict. If you have them, the rules seem less necessary; without them, no number of rules will take their place.

5. Listen First, Speak Second: The Art of Respectful Communication.

Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Order of Priority. James 1:19 provides a simple order of priority for communication: "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." This emphasizes the importance of active listening and thoughtful expression.

Active Listening. Listening is not a passive activity; it requires energy, focus, and endurance. It means listening with everything you've got, with an open mind, and with your heart, not just your head. It also means listening to what isn't being said, paying attention to body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.

The Healing Word. The human tongue can be a "deadliest blunt instrument," but it also has the power to heal. Speak to heal, not to wound, using gentle, gracious, and pleasant words. Aim to create an "upward spiral" of communication, encouraging cooperation, understanding, and goodwill.

6. Apology and Forgiveness: The Endgame of Conflict.

Love means always having to say you're sorry.

The Underused Expressions. "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" are essential but often underused expressions in marriage. They form the "endgame" of conflict, bringing it to a satisfying close.

Genuine Apology. A good apology should include three essential elements:

• Regret: Expressing sorrow for the hurt caused.
• Responsibility: Accepting total responsibility for your actions.
• Remedy: Offering to repair the harm and promising not to repeat the offense.

Doing the Work of Forgiveness. Forgiveness, like love, is something you do, not just something you feel. It involves making a pledge to not dwell on the incident, not bring it up again, not talk to others about it, and not let it hinder the relationship.

7. Follow-Through: Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Actions are always harder than words.

Beyond Words. The final words of any conflict should be, "What do we need to change so that this doesn't happen again?" Follow-through means taking action, changing habits, and altering behavior until the source of the disagreement disappears.

Repentance. The biblical term for follow-through is repentance, which simply means "to turn around." It's about making concrete changes to prevent the issue from recurring.

Three Questions. To ensure follow-through, ask yourself:

• What disagreement seems to recur regularly?
• What attitudes, actions, or words are at the root of this conflict?
• What could I do differently that would keep this issue from coming back again?

8. Anger Management: Taming the Beast Within.

Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred turned.

The Real Problem. The real problem with conflict is often anger. It can derail discussions and lead to hurtful words and actions.

Anger as a Warning Light. Think of anger as a warning light on the dashboard of your soul, indicating that something is wrong and needs to be made right. It's a God-given emotion that, when used correctly, can protest what is evil or protect what is good.

Taming the Beast. To tame the beast of anger:

• Check the anger level before, during, and after a conflict.
• Don't translate hurt into anger; identify the true emotions.
• Make it your goal to have proportionate conflicts.
• Don't let anger go bad; address it promptly.
• Deal with anger one step at a time, climbing the "Anger Ladder."

9. Preventive Maintenance: Building a Stronger Foundation.

Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.

Preventive Medicine. The best approach to conflict is to prevent it before it begins. This involves building a strong foundation of dedication and commitment in the relationship.

Dedication vs. Constraint. Relationships have two kinds of commitment: dedication (internal desires to make the marriage succeed) and constraint (external forces that keep the marriage intact). While constraint is important, dedication is what makes the marriage fulfilling.

Five Ways to Develop Dedication:

• Show up for the marriage: Make time to be together as lovers, not just business partners.
• Talk about something else: Discuss topics beyond the daily grind.
• Heap on encouragement and praise: Express appreciation and admiration.
• Make a lifestyle of gratitude: Verbally express thankfulness for your mate.
• Let grace abound: Overlook minor offenses and create an atmosphere of forgiveness.

Last updated: March 30, 2025