Get Me Out of Here

1. Reaching the Breaking Point and Seeking Help

There was no longer any reason to stay alive.

Descent into crisis. The author describes a period of escalating emotional turmoil, marked by uncontrollable rage, self-destructive impulses, and a growing sense of worthlessness despite having a loving family. This culminated in a violent outburst towards her child, triggering a profound realization that she needed immediate help. The fear of harming her children became the catalyst for action.

A desperate call. Overwhelmed by guilt and suicidal thoughts, she made a last-ditch effort by calling a family crisis hotline. Her initial reluctance to reveal her identity eventually gave way to exhaustion, leading to the hotline counselor insisting she seek professional help immediately. This call marked the formal beginning of her journey toward recovery.

Entry into the system. This led to an unexpected trip to the emergency room and subsequent psychiatric hospitalization. Initially feeling she didn't belong among "mental patients," the author's erratic behavior, including attempting to leave the ward and self-harming impulses, quickly demonstrated the severity of her internal struggle and the necessity of the intervention.

2. Finding Unconditional Acceptance in Therapy

In just a single meeting, he had touched a place within me that no one had ever touched before.

Meeting Dr. Padgett. Assigned an on-call psychiatrist, Dr. Padgett, the author initially dismissed him as a "geek" she could easily manipulate to get released. However, his quiet presence and intense, genuinely concerned gaze during their first session disarmed her defenses and drew her in. He listened without judgment as she unleashed a torrent of self-hatred and cynical philosophies.

Profound understanding revealed. Dr. Padgett's initial interpretation of her struggles—her hatred of being female, her tough facade masking deep vulnerability, her fear of needing people—resonated deeply and felt undeniably true, touching unconscious aspects of herself she had never articulated. This immediate, empathetic understanding fostered an unprecedented connection and hope.

A commitment offered. Despite her initial resistance and subsequent boundary-testing behavior in the hospital, Dr. Padgett offered to work with her in intensive psychoanalytic therapy, emphasizing his commitment to her recovery. He promised not to abandon her, regardless of her actions, offering the unconditional acceptance she felt she had never received.

3. Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me.

The shocking diagnosis. Upon release from her third hospitalization, the author discovered her diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) on a treatment plan she had signed but not fully read. This label, initially perceived as "sick, twisted, and demented," led her to research the disorder, finding descriptions that chillingly matched her own experiences.

Meeting the criteria. Reviewing the DSM criteria for BPD, she recognized many of her defining struggles:

• Unstable relationships (alternating idealization/devaluation)
• Impulsivity (sex, substance abuse, reckless behavior, anorexia)
• Affective instability (rapid mood swings)
• Intense, inappropriate anger
• Suicidal ideation/gestures
• Identity disturbance (self-image, gender confusion)
• Chronic emptiness/boredom
• Fear of abandonment

Beyond the label. While the diagnosis felt overwhelming and carried a bleak prognosis according to her research, Dr. Padgett emphasized that BPD was a broad category and did not fully define her. He believed she could achieve significant recovery, not just symptom management, distinguishing her potential from more severe cases.

4. Confronting the Pain of Childhood Trauma

My airbrushed memories of the past hid a reality I'd spent a lifetime avoiding, a truth so painful that I had considered death to be a preferable option to facing it.

Challenging the narrative. Initially resistant to exploring her early childhood, clinging to an "airbrushed" version of a fortunate upbringing, the author fiercely defended her parents. Dr. Padgett, however, gently but persistently guided her toward confronting the possibility that her past was more painful and abusive than she allowed herself to remember.

The duck-test analogy. Dr. Padgett used the story of ducklings who clung more closely to a mechanical mother the more they were pecked to illustrate how her fierce loyalty to her parents might stem from abuse rather than its absence. This powerful analogy resonated deeply, cracking her defensive facade.

Unveiling the truth. Through therapy, dreams, and reviewing old photos and writings, she began to uncover the reality of her childhood:

• Her father's unpredictable temper and physical abuse, particularly towards his daughters.
• Her mother's manipulation, pitting siblings against each other and using psychosomatic illness to control the family dynamic.
• The feeling of being unwanted, especially as a girl.
• Parents' neglect of her emotional needs and problematic behaviors (drinking, drugs, promiscuity) as long as she maintained a facade of success.

5. Learning to Feel Emotions Instead of Acting Out

Sit with the feelings. Don't act them out. Don't run away. Feel them.

The cycle of acting out. The author's intense emotions, particularly anger and fear, often manifested as impulsive, self-destructive behaviors outside of sessions (midnight runs, burning awards, threatening calls) or explosive outbursts within sessions (screaming, throwing objects, self-harm). These actions were defenses to avoid feeling the underlying pain.

Dr. Padgett's firm guidance. Dr. Padgett consistently redirected her away from acting out, emphasizing the need to tolerate and articulate her feelings verbally. He set clear boundaries, sometimes sternly, refusing to engage with her destructive behavior while still maintaining his commitment to her.

• Refusing to continue phone calls after she had acted out.
• Stopping self-harming behavior in session.
• Insisting she use words instead of physical actions or insults.

Breaking through defenses. This consistent approach, coupled with exploring the origins of her defenses (like anorexia as a way to avoid feeling), gradually helped her learn to sit with uncomfortable emotions. While difficult and often painful, tolerating these feelings in the safety of therapy was crucial for processing trauma and developing healthier coping mechanisms.

6. Building Trust and Relationship Constancy

So long as you keep coming here, no matter what might happen, what you might say or do, it isn't going to drive me away.

Testing the boundaries. Driven by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a belief that she was unlovable, the author repeatedly tested Dr. Padgett's commitment. Her manipulative behaviors, insults, threats, and self-destructive acts were often attempts to push him away, anticipating rejection before it could happen.

Dr. Padgett's unwavering presence. Despite these challenges, Dr. Padgett consistently demonstrated his unconditional acceptance and commitment. He remained present, calm, and non-abandoning, even when she was at her most difficult. This steadfastness gradually chipped away at her core belief that she was destined to be left.

Achieving relationship constancy. Over time, the author began to internalize the security of the therapeutic relationship. She learned that moments of anger, frustration, or temporary separation (like vacations) did not mean the end of the connection. This understanding of "relationship constancy" was a significant breakthrough, allowing her to feel safe and loved even when Dr. Padgett wasn't physically present or perfectly meeting her immediate emotional demands.

7. Navigating Difficult Emotions and Self-Acceptance

You were taught to hate being a little girl.

Gender identity struggles. A significant source of the author's pain was her deep-seated hatred of being female, stemming from her parents' devaluation of femininity and her father's preference for "masculine" traits. This led her to adopt a "tough chick" persona and reject traditionally feminine aspects of herself.

Confronting shame and sexuality. Therapy sessions explored the origins of her shame, particularly around her body and sexuality, linking it to childhood experiences of humiliation and distorted associations between pain and pleasure. Discussing menstruation and sexual feelings towards Dr. Padgett, though initially mortifying, was crucial for integrating these aspects of herself.

Moving towards acceptance. Through Dr. Padgett's non-judgmental acceptance and reframing of her experiences, she began to challenge the internalized shame and stereotypes. Seeing her own daughter embrace femininity freely and Dr. Padgett's genuine appreciation for her as a woman helped her move towards accepting and even appreciating her own gender and body.

8. The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness isn't just healing for the trespasser. It can set you free to move on and live your life.

Rage and resentment. As the author uncovered the extent of her childhood trauma and her parents' role in it, she was consumed by intense anger and a desire for revenge. She struggled with the idea of forgiveness, feeling her parents didn't deserve it and that letting go would somehow excuse their actions.

Guidance from faith and therapy. Conversations with Father Rick, her pastor, and Dr. Padgett offered different but complementary perspectives on forgiveness. Father Rick emphasized that forgiveness didn't mean forgetting or condoning, but releasing oneself from the burden of hatred. Dr. Padgett framed revenge as ultimately self-destructive, like the Russian farmer who wished his neighbor's car would break down.

A personal choice. The author realized that forgiveness was a choice she had to make for herself, regardless of whether her parents ever acknowledged or apologized for their actions. It was a process of letting go of the consuming anger to free herself and build healthier relationships, including a more adult relationship with her family.

9. Discovering Faith and Meaning

You carried me. All this time you carried me.

Questioning existence. Throughout her life, particularly during periods of intense suffering, the author grappled with existential questions and doubted the existence of God. Her childhood fear of "nothingness" and the perceived injustice of suffering fueled her agnosticism.

A moment of revelation. During a church service, reflecting on her life and the unexpected support she had received (Tim, her children, Father Rick, Dr. Padgett), she had a profound realization. Despite her doubts and feelings of being alone, she saw evidence of a guiding presence, like the single set of footprints in the sand.

Finding faith. This led to a newfound belief in God, not based on dogma or intellectual argument, but on the felt experience of being carried through her darkest times. This faith provided a sense of purpose and hope, reinforcing the idea that she was not alone and that her suffering had meaning in breaking a generational cycle of abuse.

10. Embracing Imperfection and Humanity

Welcome to the land of imperfection, Rachel.

The burden of perfectionism. The author's lifelong pursuit of perfection, stemming from a need to earn love and acceptance, led to intense self-hatred when she inevitably fell short. This black-and-white thinking extended to her view of others and her own mental illness.

Accepting the gray. Through therapy, she began to challenge her rigid thinking and accept the reality of imperfection in herself and others. Dr. Padgett's acceptance of her flaws and his own admission of imperfection helped normalize her struggles. She learned that not all anger or irrationality was pathological, but sometimes simply part of being human.

Finding self-compassion. This shift allowed her to be less harsh on herself, reducing self-hatred and increasing moments of peace and contentment. She realized that her worth was not dependent on achieving an impossible standard but on her inherent value as a person, flaws and all.

11. Preparing for Life Beyond Therapy

You are going to leave me someday, when you're ready.

The goal of independence. From the outset, Dr. Padgett framed therapy not as a lifelong dependency but as a process with an end goal: the author's independence and ability to navigate life's challenges on her own. This was a frightening prospect, given her deep need for the therapeutic relationship.

Gradual steps towards termination. The process involved reducing session frequency, addressing her fears of abandonment related to leaving therapy, and exploring her readiness to cope without the constant support. Discussions about having another child highlighted unresolved issues related to independence and separation.

Embracing the future. As she made progress, gaining insight, developing healthier coping mechanisms, and building stronger relationships outside of therapy, the prospect of termination became less terrifying and more empowering. She began to envision a life where she could thrive, carrying the lessons learned and the internal strength gained, ready to face the future.

Last updated: June 7, 2025