Give and Take

1. Givers, Takers, and Matchers: Understanding Reciprocity Styles

"Givers, takers, and matchers all can—and do—achieve success. But there's something distinctive that happens when givers succeed: it spreads and cascades."

Three reciprocity styles. People generally fall into one of three categories in their approach to professional interactions:

• Givers: Focused on others' needs, contribute without expecting anything in return
• Takers: Prioritize their own interests, seek to gain more than they give
• Matchers: Strive for equal exchange, giving and taking in balanced proportions

Impact on success. While all styles can lead to success, givers have a unique potential for widespread impact:

• Takers may achieve short-term gains but often burn bridges
• Matchers maintain equilibrium but limit their network growth
• Givers create ripple effects, elevating those around them and building lasting relationships

Misconceptions about giving. Many assume givers finish last, but research shows:

• Givers are overrepresented at both the bottom and top of success ladders
• Successful givers develop strategies to avoid exploitation while maintaining their generous nature

2. The Surprising Success of Givers: How Generosity Leads to Achievement

"Being a giver is not good for a 100-yard dash, but it's valuable in a marathon."

Long-term perspective. Givers' success often unfolds over time:

• Initial sacrifices may seem detrimental in the short term
• Benefits accumulate through building trust, reputation, and relationships
• Givers create expanding networks of support and opportunity

Psychological advantages. Giving cultivates positive traits that contribute to success:

• Increased empathy and perspective-taking abilities
• Enhanced problem-solving skills through diverse collaborations
• Greater resilience and adaptability in face of challenges

Real-world examples. Successful givers across various fields demonstrate the power of generosity:

• Abraham Lincoln's political rise through consistent giving and collaboration
• Adam Rifkin's network-building through "five-minute favors"
• David Hornik's success as a venture capitalist by prioritizing entrepreneurs' needs

3. Building Powerful Networks: The Giver's Advantage in Connections

"By giving more than they get, givers build deeper and broader networks that often lead to greater opportunities."

Network expansion. Givers naturally create larger, more diverse networks:

• Willingness to help without expectation attracts diverse connections
• Reputation for generosity leads to more introductions and opportunities
• Ability to reconnect with "dormant ties" provides access to new resources

Quality of connections. Giver networks tend to be stronger and more supportive:

• Trust-based relationships lead to more meaningful exchanges
• Reciprocity from past giving creates a reservoir of goodwill
• Diverse network provides access to varied skills and knowledge

Strategies for network building:

• Practice "five-minute favors" - small acts of giving that require minimal time
• Actively reconnect with dormant ties to revitalize old relationships
• Focus on adding value to others rather than immediate personal gain

4. Collaboration and Credit: How Givers Elevate Team Performance

"When givers succeed, it spreads and cascades. When takers win, there's usually someone else who loses."

Enhancing team dynamics. Givers create positive collaborative environments:

• Foster psychological safety, encouraging open communication and creativity
• Elevate team performance by sharing knowledge and resources freely
• Inspire reciprocal giving among team members

Credit distribution. Givers' approach to credit impacts team success:

• Willingness to share credit builds trust and motivation
• Recognizing others' contributions encourages future collaboration
• Avoiding credit-hogging prevents resentment and competition

Case study: George Meyer and The Simpsons. The success of comedy writer George Meyer illustrates the giver advantage:

• Consistently contributed ideas without demanding credit
• Created an environment where others felt comfortable sharing
• Elevated the overall quality of the show through collaborative giving

5. Discovering Hidden Potential: The Giver's Approach to Talent Development

"Givers don't wait for signs of potential. Because they tend to be trusting and optimistic about other people's intentions, in their roles as leaders, managers, and mentors, givers are inclined to see the potential in everyone."

Recognizing potential. Givers excel at identifying and nurturing talent:

• Focus on motivation and effort rather than just raw ability
• Provide opportunities for growth and development
• Believe in the capacity for improvement in others

Strategies for talent development:

• Create psychological safety to encourage risk-taking and learning
• Offer specific, constructive feedback to promote growth
• Provide challenging assignments that stretch abilities

Real-world impact. Examples of givers' talent development success:

• C.J. Skender's approach to teaching accounting, producing top performers
• Stu Inman's talent scouting in the NBA, finding "diamonds in the rough"
• Mentors who see potential in unconventional candidates and help them succeed

6. The Power of Powerless Communication: Influence Through Humility

"Takers tend to worry that revealing weaknesses will compromise their dominance and authority. Givers are much more comfortable expressing vulnerability: they're interested in helping others, not gaining power over them, so they're not afraid of exposing chinks in their armor."

Counterintuitive influence. Powerless communication can be more effective than dominance:

• Expressing vulnerability builds trust and rapport
• Asking questions and seeking advice engages others and shows respect
• Tentative language allows for collaborative problem-solving

Strategies for powerless communication:

• Use hesitations, hedges, and disclaimers to soften assertive statements
• Practice asking more questions and actively listening to responses
• Share personal weaknesses or mistakes to create connections

Applications across domains:

• Sales: Building trust through genuine interest in customer needs
• Negotiation: Creating value through understanding others' perspectives
• Leadership: Inspiring followership through humility and openness

7. Avoiding Burnout: Sustainable Giving Strategies for Long-Term Success

"Selfless giving, in the absence of self-preservation instincts, easily becomes overwhelming."

Balancing giving and self-care. Successful givers maintain their energy and motivation:

• Recognize the importance of personal well-being
• Set boundaries to prevent exploitation
• Engage in "otherish" giving that benefits both self and others

Strategies for sustainable giving:

• Chunk giving into dedicated time blocks rather than constant availability
• Focus on high-impact activities that align with personal values and skills
• Seek support and reciprocity from a network of fellow givers

Importance of impact. Seeing the results of giving prevents burnout:

• Connect with beneficiaries to understand the impact of contributions
• Celebrate small wins and progress toward larger goals
• Reflect on the ripple effects of giving beyond immediate recipients

8. Overcoming the Doormat Effect: Balancing Generosity with Self-Interest

"Givers need to be otherish: they care about benefiting others, but they also have ambitious goals for advancing their own interests."

Avoiding exploitation. Successful givers protect themselves from takers:

• Develop skills in identifying potential takers through "sincerity screening"
• Practice "generous tit for tat" - starting with giving but reciprocating others' behavior
• Learn to say no to requests that don't align with personal or organizational goals

Assertiveness for givers. Balancing generosity with self-advocacy:

• Reframe self-promotion as a way to increase capacity for giving
• Practice advocating for others as a stepping stone to self-advocacy
• Use powerless communication techniques to make requests more palatable

Case studies in balance. Examples of givers maintaining boundaries:

• Lillian Bauer's journey from pushover to successful consultant
• Adam Grant's evolution in teaching and mentoring approaches
• Successful givers in various fields who maintain integrity while achieving success

9. Creating a Culture of Giving: Fostering Generosity in Organizations

"When people assume that others aren't givers, they act and speak in ways that discourage others from giving, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Organizational impact. Cultivating a giving culture leads to numerous benefits:

• Increased collaboration and knowledge sharing
• Higher employee engagement and job satisfaction
• Improved problem-solving and innovation

Strategies for fostering giving:

• Implement peer recognition programs to highlight acts of giving
• Create opportunities for structured giving, like "Reciprocity Rings"
• Model giving behavior at leadership levels

Overcoming barriers. Addressing common obstacles to organizational giving:

• Combat the assumption that giving is rare or naive
• Provide clear examples of how giving contributes to individual and collective success
• Create safe spaces for employees to ask for help and offer assistance

Last updated: January 22, 2025