Grace and Grit

1. Love and cancer: A transformative journey of resilience and growth

"I have cancer. I am a diabetic. What's the best way to say it? One sounds like I have a disease that comes from outside myself, that might be catching. The other makes it sound like something intrinsic to my character, to my bodily being."

A whirlwind romance leads Ken Wilber and Terry Killam to marry after just four months of knowing each other. Their joy is short-lived as Terry is diagnosed with breast cancer just ten days after their wedding. This marks the beginning of a five-year battle with cancer, during which Terry undergoes multiple surgeries, radiation, and chemotherapy.

The couple's journey is marked by:

• Intense love and support for each other
• Profound personal growth and spiritual development
• Struggles with depression, fear, and self-doubt
• A deepening understanding of life, death, and the human condition

Throughout their ordeal, Terry (later renamed Treya) demonstrates remarkable resilience, maintaining a positive outlook and finding joy in simple pleasures. Ken, initially struggling with his role as a caregiver, learns to balance his own needs with supporting his wife. Their story is a testament to the transformative power of love and the human spirit in the face of adversity.

2. Balancing being and doing: Treya's shift from masculine to feminine energy

"I have always loved doing things since early childhood, but accepted the prevailing view that such work was frivolous, superficial, unimportant, unnecessary, not a true contribution, fit only for spare time as a hobby. That by doing so I cut off, stopped up a major source of joy and life energy and vitality in myself. Well, no more!"

Treya's inner transformation is a central theme of the book. Initially identifying strongly with masculine, "doing" energy, she struggles to find her purpose and define her worth through achievements and productivity. Her battle with cancer forces her to confront this imbalance and embrace her feminine, "being" side.

Key aspects of Treya's transformation include:

• Reconnecting with her artistic side, particularly through fused glass art
• Embracing a more intuitive and compassionate approach to life
• Letting go of the need to constantly prove her worth through accomplishments
• Finding joy and meaning in simply being present and appreciating life's moments

This shift allows Treya to find greater peace and acceptance in her life, even as she faces terminal illness. Her journey serves as a powerful example of the importance of balancing masculine and feminine energies, doing and being, in order to live a more fulfilling and authentic life.

3. The perennial philosophy: Uniting science, psychology, and spirituality

"The perennial philosophy is the worldview that has been embraced by the vast majority of the world's greatest spiritual teachers, philosophers, thinkers, and even scientists."

Ken Wilber's integral approach seeks to unite the wisdom of ancient spiritual traditions with modern scientific and psychological insights. This synthesis, known as the perennial philosophy, provides a comprehensive framework for understanding human consciousness and development.

Key elements of the perennial philosophy include:

• The Great Chain of Being: matter, body, mind, soul, and spirit
• Recognition of multiple levels of consciousness and reality
• Integration of Eastern and Western philosophical and psychological concepts
• Emphasis on personal growth and spiritual development through various practices

Wilber argues that this integrated approach offers a more complete understanding of human nature and potential than either science or spirituality alone. By recognizing the validity of both empirical and contemplative methods of inquiry, the perennial philosophy provides a roadmap for personal and collective evolution.

4. Psychotherapy and meditation: Complementary paths to healing and growth

"Meditation and psychotherapy generally aim at quite different levels of the psyche, although there is much overlap."

Wilber emphasizes the importance of both psychotherapy and meditation as complementary tools for personal growth and healing. While each addresses different aspects of the human psyche, they can work together synergistically to promote overall well-being.

Comparison of psychotherapy and meditation:

• Psychotherapy: Focuses on uncovering and resolving unconscious conflicts, traumas, and patterns of behavior
• Meditation: Aims to develop awareness, equanimity, and insight into the nature of mind and reality

Benefits of combining both approaches:

• Addresses issues at multiple levels of consciousness
• Promotes emotional healing and spiritual growth simultaneously
• Enhances self-awareness and compassion for self and others

Wilber and Treya both engage in various forms of therapy and meditation throughout their journey, finding that this integrated approach helps them navigate the challenges of cancer and personal growth more effectively.

5. Navigating illness: Compassion, acceptance, and the pitfalls of new age thinking

"What Kind of Help Really Helps?"

Treya's experience with cancer leads her to develop a nuanced and compassionate approach to illness and healing. She critiques the prevalent new age notion that individuals create their own reality and are solely responsible for their illnesses, recognizing the harm this can cause to those who are suffering.

Key insights from Treya's perspective:

• Illness has multiple causes, including genetic, environmental, and psychological factors
• Blaming individuals for their illness often stems from fear and a desire for control
• True support involves listening, empathy, and respecting the choices of those who are ill
• Healing involves addressing physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of a person

Treya advocates for a balanced approach that acknowledges personal responsibility while also recognizing the complex nature of illness and the importance of compassion. This perspective allows for a more holistic and supportive approach to healing, free from judgment and blame.

6. The power of tonglen: Transforming suffering through compassion

"Once you are proficient in tonglen, you find that every time you have pain or anxiety or depression, on the inbreath you almost spontaneously think, 'May I take all such suffering into me,' and on the outbreath you release it."

Tonglen, a Tibetan Buddhist practice, becomes a powerful tool for both Ken and Treya in dealing with the challenges of cancer and caregiving. This meditation technique involves breathing in the suffering of others and breathing out relief and compassion.

Benefits of tonglen practice:

• Develops empathy and compassion for self and others
• Transforms personal suffering into a connection with all beings
• Reduces feelings of isolation and self-pity
• Cultivates a sense of purpose and meaning in difficult circumstances

For Treya, tonglen helps her find peace and acceptance in the face of her illness. For Ken, it becomes a way to process his own pain and fear as a caregiver. The practice demonstrates how spiritual techniques can be practically applied to navigate life's most challenging experiences.

7. Grace in the face of mortality: Finding meaning and joy amidst terminal illness

"But listen to those birds sing!"

Treya's final months are marked by a remarkable acceptance and even joy in the face of terminal illness. Despite undergoing grueling treatments in Germany and facing the reality of her impending death, she maintains a sense of grace and appreciation for life.

Elements of Treya's approach to terminal illness:

• Focusing on the present moment and finding joy in simple pleasures
• Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness even in difficult circumstances
• Deepening her spiritual practice and connection to others
• Accepting the reality of her situation while still pursuing treatment

Treya's ability to find meaning and beauty in her final days serves as an inspiring example of how to face mortality with grace and dignity. Her journey demonstrates that even in the most challenging circumstances, it is possible to cultivate a sense of peace, connection, and appreciation for life.

Last updated: August 21, 2024