Happy Together

1. Love is an action verb: Cultivate Aristotelian love for lasting relationships

"Becoming Aristotelian lovers is a great way to be happy together."

Aristotelian love is based on appreciating the good in your partner and being motivated to become a better person yourself. Unlike relationships built solely on utility or pleasure, Aristotelian love focuses on mutual growth and character development. This approach leads to more fulfilling and lasting partnerships.

Key aspects of Aristotelian love:

• Attraction to the good qualities in your partner
• Mutual support for personal growth and development
• Focus on becoming better individuals together
• Commitment to cultivating virtues and good character

By actively practicing Aristotelian love, couples can create a strong foundation for a relationship that grows and deepens over time. This approach requires ongoing effort and intentionality, but results in a more mature and satisfying partnership.

2. Harmonious passion fuels healthy relationships, not obsessive infatuation

"Obsessive passion is often a function of an insecure sense of self."

Harmonious passion is characterized by a balanced integration of the relationship into one's identity and life. It allows for autonomy, personal growth, and healthy interdependence. In contrast, obsessive passion leads to an unhealthy loss of self and over-reliance on the partner.

Characteristics of harmonious passion:

• Maintains individual identity and interests
• Enhances overall well-being and life satisfaction
• Improves conflict resolution and intimacy
• Supports mutual growth and autonomy

To cultivate harmonious passion:

1. Develop trust and emotional attunement
2. Maintain a sense of self and individual interests
3. Engage in new and interesting activities together

By fostering harmonious passion, couples can enjoy the benefits of a deep connection while maintaining their individuality and supporting each other's growth.

3. Positive emotions broaden perspectives and build enduring resources

"Positive emotions help us take more in visually, allowing us to see more of what is in our periphery than we otherwise would."

Broaden-and-build theory explains how positive emotions expand our awareness and help us develop lasting physical, psychological, and social resources. This process is crucial for building resilience and strengthening relationships.

Effects of positive emotions:

• Increased creativity and problem-solving ability
• Enhanced social connections and empathy
• Improved physical health and longevity
• Greater overall life satisfaction

To cultivate positive emotions in relationships:

1. Prioritize positivity by planning activities that naturally evoke good feelings
2. Practice "emotional contagion" by sharing and amplifying positive experiences
3. Use the "Three Good Things" exercise to focus on daily positive events

By intentionally fostering positive emotions, couples can create an upward spiral of well-being and connection in their relationship.

4. Savor the good moments to strengthen your bond

"Savoring an experience with the right person or persons can greatly strengthen our enjoyment."

Savoring involves mindfully attending to, appreciating, and enhancing positive experiences. This practice helps couples lengthen and strengthen the impact of positive emotions and events in their relationship.

Three types of savoring:

1. Anticipatory savoring (looking forward to future events)
2. In-the-moment savoring (fully experiencing the present)
3. Reminiscing (reflecting on past positive experiences)

Strategies for effective savoring:

• Increase the duration and pace of positive experiences
• Engage in savoring during low-stress times
• Focus your full attention on the experience
• Share the experience with your partner

By making savoring a regular practice, couples can deepen their appreciation for each other and create a reservoir of positive memories to draw from during challenging times.

5. Identify and leverage character strengths for personal and relational growth

"Having good character doesn't mean we have to be paragons of each of these strengths."

Understanding and utilizing character strengths can significantly enhance personal growth and relationship satisfaction. The VIA Classification of Character Strengths provides a framework for identifying and developing these positive traits.

Steps to leverage character strengths:

1. Take the VIA Survey to identify your signature strengths
2. Reflect on how your strengths manifest in your life and relationship
3. Find new ways to use your strengths daily
4. Discuss and appreciate your partner's strengths
5. Look for opportunities to combine your strengths as a couple

By focusing on character strengths, couples can:

• Increase mutual understanding and appreciation
• Enhance problem-solving and communication
• Support each other's personal growth
• Create a more positive relationship dynamic

Regularly engaging in "strengths conversations" and planning "strengths dates" can help couples integrate this approach into their daily lives.

6. Practice gratitude to deepen appreciation and connection

"Gratitude can help us appreciate our partner, rather than taking him or her for granted."

Gratitude is a powerful tool for enhancing relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. Regular expressions of appreciation can strengthen bonds and create an upward spiral of positivity in the relationship.

Benefits of gratitude in relationships:

• Increased relationship satisfaction
• Enhanced feelings of connectedness
• Improved conflict resolution
• Greater overall well-being for both partners

Effective gratitude practices:

1. Three Good Things exercise (daily gratitude journaling)
2. Gratitude Visit (expressing appreciation in person)
3. Daily expressions of thanks for small acts of kindness

When expressing gratitude, focus on:

• Being other-focused rather than self-focused
• Authenticity in your appreciation
• Sensitivity to context and your partner's preferences

By making gratitude a regular part of your relationship, you can cultivate a deeper sense of appreciation and connection with your partner.

7. Master the dance of giving and receiving in relationships

"It doesn't help to be loved, if you can't let yourself feel it."

Effective relationships require a balance of giving and receiving. Both partners must be adept at initiating positive actions and responding well to their partner's initiatives.

The Interaction Model of Relationships:

1. Initiation

   • Cultivation: Identify and practice a strength
   • Contextualization: Consider how to use it in your relationship
   • Construction: Use the strength to build your relationship

2. Response

   • Awareness: Notice your partner's use of a strength
   • Assessment: Consider its effectiveness
   • Action: Continue the spirit of the initiation

Tips for effective giving and receiving:

• Practice mindful awareness of your partner's efforts
• Learn to accept compliments and kindness graciously
• Amplify and build upon your partner's positive initiatives
• Engage in regular "strengths conversations" to discuss your interactions

By mastering this dance, couples can create a positive feedback loop of appreciation and growth in their relationship.

8. Mindfulness enhances awareness and improves relationship interactions

"Mindfulness meditation practice can help us take more voluntary control over where we direct the beam of our attention."

Mindfulness involves being fully present and aware in the moment. This practice can significantly improve relationship interactions by enhancing awareness and reducing reactive behaviors.

Benefits of mindfulness in relationships:

• Improved communication and listening skills
• Reduced reactivity and increased responsiveness
• Enhanced emotional regulation
• Greater empathy and understanding

Mindfulness practices for couples:

1. Daily meditation (individually or together)
2. Mindful listening exercises
3. Body scan relaxation techniques
4. Mindful breathing during conflicts

By incorporating mindfulness into their daily lives, couples can become more attuned to each other's needs and respond more effectively in their interactions.

9. Apply the Aristotelian Rule: Treat your partner as their best self would want

"The Aristotelian Rule instructs us to treat the other person as her best self would want us to treat her."

The Aristotelian Rule goes beyond the Golden Rule (treat others as you want to be treated) and the Platinum Rule (treat others as they want to be treated). It focuses on supporting your partner's growth and helping them become their best self.

Applying the Aristotelian Rule:

1. Identify your partner's character strengths and values
2. Consider their long-term goals and aspirations
3. Think about how their best self would want to be treated
4. Act in ways that support their growth and development

Benefits of the Aristotelian Rule:

• Encourages mutual growth and character development
• Deepens understanding and appreciation of your partner
• Aligns actions with your partner's highest values and goals
• Fosters a relationship built on mutual respect and support

By consistently applying the Aristotelian Rule, couples can create a relationship that nurtures both partners' best selves and leads to greater fulfillment and lasting love.

Last updated: February 4, 2025