Here to Make Friends

1. Friendship is Vital for Well-being, Health, and Happiness

Over the past two decades, considerable research has come out supporting the idea that friendship is one of the most important components of a person’s health, well-being, and happiness.

Profound impact. Friendship is not just a pleasant pastime; it's a fundamental component of a fulfilling life. Research consistently demonstrates that strong social connections contribute to better physical and mental health, increased longevity, and overall happiness. Emotional connection with others has been found to be helpful in reducing the risk of mortality and shortening the duration of physical and mental illness, and may promote health by contributing to the release of endorphins.

Evolutionary roots. From an evolutionary perspective, friends have provided protection, practical support, and even economic aid. These bonds are deeply ingrained in our social nature, offering a sense of belonging and security that is essential for survival and thriving. Unlike kinship friendship, nonfamilial friendship is a choice and can end at any moment.

Nurturing connections. Recognizing the importance of friendship encourages us to prioritize and nurture these relationships. By investing time and effort in building and maintaining meaningful connections, we can reap the numerous benefits that friendship offers, enriching our lives and enhancing our overall well-being.

2. Quality Over Quantity: Dimensions of a Meaningful Friendship

According to most writers on friendship, high-quality relationships are characterized by high levels of reciprocal helping behaviors, interdependence, emotional intimacy, and constructive conflict resolution.

Beyond superficiality. While having a large social circle might seem appealing, the true value lies in the quality of our friendships. High-quality relationships are characterized by several key dimensions that foster deep connection and mutual support. High-quality friendships in both childhood and adulthood are marked by themes of complimentary reciprocity, meaning that good friends will often praise each other’s successes, provide encouragement after failures, and help support each person’s sense of self-esteem.

Key dimensions. These dimensions include:

• Reciprocity: Mutual support and encouragement.
• Interdependence: Coordination and shared pleasure.
• Emotional Intimacy: Positive communication and mutual disclosures.
• Constructive Conflict Resolution: Healthy management of disagreements.

Investing wisely. Focusing on cultivating these dimensions in our existing friendships, rather than simply accumulating more acquaintances, leads to more fulfilling and supportive relationships that contribute significantly to our well-being.

3. Understanding the Three Types of Friendships: Utility, Pleasure, and Good

The jackpot of all friendships is what Aristotle referred to as the “friendship of the good.”

Aristotle's framework. Ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle categorized friendships into three types, each driven by different motivations: utility, pleasure, and goodness. Understanding these types helps us recognize the nature and depth of our various relationships. Friendships of utility are those relationships where both you and the other person benefit from it or find it useful (the expression “quid pro quo” comes to mind).

Friendship types.

• Utility: Based on mutual benefit or usefulness.
• Pleasure: Based on shared enjoyment and fun.
• Good: Based on mutual admiration, respect, and genuine care.

Striving for goodness. While all three types of friendships can play a role in our lives, friendships of the good are the most rewarding and enduring. These relationships provide deep connection, support, and a sense of belonging that enriches our lives in profound ways.

4. Friendship Evolves: From Childhood Playdates to Adult Connections

Unlike past generations, when people were readily accepted into the workforce and had another opportunity to make friends, those coming out of school nowadays often have a different experience.

Life-stage shifts. The way we make and maintain friendships changes throughout our lives. Childhood friendships are often based on proximity and shared activities, while adult friendships require more intentional effort and navigating complex life circumstances. For many of us, friend-finding started when we were small. Perhaps our parents took us to music classes, the park, or to day care.

Navigating adulthood. As adults, we face challenges such as career demands, geographic mobility, and shifting priorities that can make it difficult to form and sustain friendships. The transition into high school means making new friends, possibly shedding the old ones, and learning new social codes.

Adapting strategies. Recognizing these shifts and adapting our friendship strategies accordingly is essential for maintaining a strong social network throughout our lives. This may involve seeking out new communities, prioritizing quality time with existing friends, or embracing technology to stay connected.

5. Alone vs. Lonely: Addressing the Root Causes of Loneliness

Aloneness can devolve into feelings of loneliness when being alone becomes intolerable and you want to connect with other people but are struggling.

Distinguishing the two. It's crucial to differentiate between being alone and feeling lonely. Aloneness is simply the state of being by oneself, which can be a positive and restorative experience. Aloneness can devolve into feelings of loneliness when being alone becomes intolerable and you want to connect with other people but are struggling.

Combating loneliness. Strategies for combating loneliness include:

• Practicing self-compassion.
• Being present in the moment.
• Engaging in human interaction daily.
• Saying yes to social opportunities.
• Limiting screen time.
• Getting a pet.
• Challenging negative thoughts.

Seeking support. Addressing the root causes of loneliness, whether they stem from social isolation or deeper emotional issues, is essential for improving our well-being and building meaningful connections.

6. Attachment Styles Shape How We Connect and Maintain Friendships

New research suggests that one’s attachment style—believed to be instrumental in romantic and familial relationships—is also crucial in understanding how people connect, maintain, and dismantle friendships.

Early influences. Our early childhood experiences and relationships with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which in turn influence how we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. Securely attached adults find it easy to become emotionally close to and depend on others.

Attachment styles.

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
• Anxious: Fearful of rejection and abandonment.
• Avoidant: Uncomfortable with emotional closeness.

Security priming. By understanding our attachment style and practicing techniques like security priming, we can overcome insecure patterns and build healthier, more fulfilling friendships. Security priming is easy and, once you learn these strategies, you’ll probably notice that you’ve already engaged in this practice at one point or another.

7. Introvert or Extrovert: Navigating Social Interactions with Self-Awareness

The true definitions of introversion and extroversion stem from Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung, who defined introverts as those who prefer to focus their energy on their inner worlds as opposed to extroverts, who get their energy from the outer world.

Understanding preferences. Recognizing whether we lean towards introversion or extroversion helps us understand our social needs and preferences. Introverts gain energy from solitude, while extroverts thrive in social settings. Introverts tend to be listeners and get energy from being alone, whereas extroverts tend to be talkers and gain energy from other people.

Strategies for introverts:

• Set social limits.
• Supplement in-person time with text/email.
• Schedule friend dates.
• Seek out like-minded people.
• Fine-tune listening skills.

Strategies for extroverts:

• Practice sitting in silence.
• Don't badger introverted friends.
• Practice self-reflection.
• Make quality time count.
• Listen and stop talking about yourself.

Finding balance. By understanding our own tendencies and those of our friends, we can create more harmonious and fulfilling social interactions that respect everyone's needs.

8. Vulnerability: The Core Ingredient for Deepening Connections

To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.

Beyond superficiality. True connection requires vulnerability, which involves embracing uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It's about letting others see our authentic selves, flaws and all. If you want to connect to people and really get to know them, you must let them in to your innermost circle.

Overcoming fear. Overcoming the fear of vulnerability requires courage and self-compassion. It means challenging the belief that we need to be perfect to be worthy of love and connection.

Building trust. By taking the risk of being vulnerable, we create opportunities for deeper connection, empathy, and trust. These are the foundations of strong and lasting friendships.

9. Mapping Your Friendship Goals: A Strategic Approach to Building Relationships

If you are like me, you probably find yourself biting off more than you can chew.

Intentionality matters. Building and sustaining friendships requires a strategic approach, much like any other goal in life. This involves setting clear intentions, identifying actionable steps, and tracking progress.

SMART goals. A helpful framework for setting friendship goals is the SMART acronym:

• Specific: Clearly define your goal.
• Measurable: Determine how you will measure your goal.
• Achievable: Set realistic and attainable goals.
• Relevant: Align with your goal.
• Timely: Set a time limit for your goal.

Actionable steps. By breaking down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps, we increase our chances of success and maintain momentum along the way.

10. Tapping into Networks: Connectors and Communities for Friend-Finding

Consider the millennials and Gen Zers whose lives are interconnected with social media, and the impact that this has had on making and sustaining friendships after college.

Leveraging connections. Our existing social networks can be valuable resources for meeting new people. By identifying connectors and engaging with communities, we can expand our reach and find like-minded individuals.

Super-connectors. Super-connectors are geniuses at not only knowing who’s in the know, but also fostering authentic relationships with those they know.

Community engagement. Joining local groups, attending events, and volunteering are all great ways to meet people who share our interests and values.

11. Playing the Digital Field: Navigating Social Media for Meaningful Connections

Socializing online, if it works, accelerates relationships, which has its pros and cons.

Online opportunities. Social media offers numerous opportunities for connecting with others, but it's important to approach it with intentionality and awareness. With social media, we can take risks without much at stake by reaching out and “poking” others.

Strategies for online friend-finding:

• Identify interests and search for related groups.
• Engage in meaningful conversations.
• Be authentic and share your personality.
• Take the leap and meet in person.

Friend-finding sites. Consider using friend-finding apps like Bumble BFF to connect with people who are actively seeking new friendships.

12. Putting Yourself Out There: Overcoming Fear and Building Confidence

The first step is always the hardest and gets you prepared for the next time, and there is always a next time.

Embracing discomfort. Putting yourself out there can be daunting, but it's essential for building new relationships. Remember that everyone experiences fear and apprehension, and that taking the first step is often the hardest part.

Strategies for building confidence:

• Channel your self-esteem.
• Recognize past resilience.
• Start small and go bigger.
• Visualize success.
• Focus on nonverbal communication.
• Learn to like yourself.

Authenticity matters. By being genuine and sharing your true self, you increase the likelihood of attracting friends who appreciate and value you for who you are.

Last updated: April 13, 2025