Burnout

1. Complete the stress cycle to deal with stress itself

Wellness is not a state of being, but a state of action.

The stress response cycle is a physiological process that your body goes through when faced with a stressor. Even after the stressor is gone, your body may still be stuck in the stress response. To complete the cycle and return to a state of relaxation, engage in:

• Physical activity (20-60 minutes most days)
• Deep, slow breathing
• Positive social interaction
• Laughter
• Affection (hugs, kisses)
• Crying
• Creative expression

These activities help signal to your body that you are safe and the threat has passed. Remember, dealing with the stressor (e.g., work deadline) is different from dealing with the stress itself (the physiological state). Both are necessary for overall well-being.

2. Use planful problem-solving and positive reappraisal to manage stressors

Frustration happens when our progress toward a goal feels more effortful than we expect it to be.

Planful problem-solving involves analyzing the problem, making a plan, and executing it. This works best for stressors you can control. For uncontrollable stressors, use positive reappraisal - recognizing that difficulties are opportunities for growth and learning.

When faced with persistent frustration:

• Redefine winning: Set incremental goals that are soon, certain, positive, concrete, specific, and personal
• Redefine failing: Recognize unintended positive outcomes from apparent failures
• Know when to quit: Assess the costs and benefits of continuing vs. stopping

Remember, persistence is not always virtuous. Sometimes, strategic quitting is the wisest choice.

3. Engage with your "Something Larger" to find meaning and purpose

Meaning is not found; it is made.

Your "Something Larger" is the source of meaning in your life. It could be:

• Ambitious goals that leave a legacy
• Service to the divine or spiritual calling
• Loving, emotionally intimate connections with others

To find your Something Larger:

• Write your own obituary or life summary
• Ask close friends to describe your "real you"
• Recall moments when you felt an intense sense of meaning or purpose

Engaging with your Something Larger provides a sense of connection to something beyond yourself, helping you thrive during good times and cope during difficulties. It's not about finding meaning at the end of the journey, but sustaining you throughout the journey.

4. Recognize and resist the patriarchy and Human Giver Syndrome

When you are broken, go to bed.

The patriarchy is a system that systematically advantages men and disadvantages women. It manifests in various ways:

• Explicit misogyny
• Sexual and relationship violence
• Body image pressures
• Unequal speaking time and opportunities

Human Giver Syndrome is the belief that some people (often women) have a moral obligation to give their time, attention, and bodies to others. Recognizing these systems allows you to:

• Complete the cycle when faced with patriarchal stressors
• Practice "unlearning helplessness" by taking action
• Engage with your Something Larger to heal Human Giver Syndrome

Remember, you're not imagining the unfairness - the game is rigged. Acknowledging this is the first step to changing it.

5. Challenge the Bikini Industrial Complex and practice body acceptance

We are not saying that "beautiful" is what your body should be; we're saying beautiful is what your body already is.

The Bikini Industrial Complex (BIC) is a system that profits by setting unachievable beauty standards and selling ineffective solutions. To resist:

1. Practice "mess acceptance": Acknowledge conflicting thoughts about your body with kindness
2. Embrace "new hotness": Redefine beauty on your own terms
3. See everyone as the "new hotness": Challenge your judgments of others' bodies
4. Listen to your body's needs: Ask "What do you need?" instead of criticizing its appearance

Remember, weight and health are not the same thing. The BMI chart and many "health" recommendations are influenced by the BIC, not scientific evidence. Focus on behaviors that genuinely improve your well-being, not arbitrary standards of appearance.

6. Cultivate social connections to nourish your well-being

Connection—with friends, family, pets, the divine, etc.—is as necessary as food and water.

Social connection is a fundamental human need. It regulates our physiological states and impacts our health as significantly as sleep or nutrition. To create nourishing connections:

1. Build trust: Ask yourself, "Are you there for me?" about your relationships
2. Practice "connected knowing": Try to understand others' perspectives within their context
3. Create a "Bubble of Love": Share mutual trust and connected knowing with others
4. Engage in "Über-Bubble" activities: Participate in synchronous group activities like singing or dancing

Recognize signs that you need connection, such as feeling gaslit, "not enough," sad, or rageful. These are forms of loneliness signaling a need to connect with others.

7. Prioritize rest and sleep to grow stronger

Just because you've dealt with a stressor doesn't mean you've dealt with the stress.

Rest is essential for physical and mental recovery, creativity, and overall well-being. Aim to spend about 42% of your time (10 hours a day) on rest activities:

• 7-9 hours of sleep
• 20-30 minutes of stress-reducing conversation
• 30 minutes of physical activity
• 30 minutes of mindful eating
• 30 minutes of "default mode" time (mind-wandering, daydreaming)

Remember, rest is not idleness. It's necessary for your brain to process information and for your body to repair itself. Resist the cultural message that exhaustion is a virtue. Your wellness and productivity depend on adequate rest.

8. Practice self-compassion to overcome harsh self-criticism

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.

Many of us have a harsh inner critic, which we call the "madwoman in the attic." To cultivate self-compassion:

1. Befriend your madwoman: Personify your self-criticism and relate to it with kindness
2. "Turn and face the strange": Practice observational distance from your thoughts and feelings
3. Practice gratitude: Focus on gratitude-for-who-you-have and gratitude-for-how-things-happen

Self-compassion may feel difficult because:

• We fear losing motivation without self-criticism (not true)
• Healing can be uncomfortable
• Growing stronger can be scary

Remember, self-compassion doesn't mean ignoring problems or avoiding growth. It means treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend, which ultimately helps you grow stronger and more resilient.

Last updated: January 22, 2025