High Conflict People in Legal Disputes

1. Personalities, Not Issues, Drive High Conflict

The level and cost of conflict is not based on the issues or on the amount of money involved: personalities drive conflict.

Beyond the Surface. Disputes often appear to be about money, property, or legal rights, but the underlying drivers are often the personalities of those involved. Two families with similar divorce circumstances can have vastly different outcomes, with one settling amicably and the other embroiled in years of costly litigation. The difference lies not in the issues, but in the personalities of the individuals involved.

• The Smiths settled their divorce quickly and inexpensively through mediation.
• The Greens, with similar assets, spent years in court, racking up huge legal fees due to one party's high-conflict personality.

Internal Distress. High-conflict people (HCPs) are driven by internal distress, not external events. Their reactions are often disproportionate to the situation, and they tend to blame others for their problems. This pattern of blame is a core characteristic of HCPs, leading to repeated conflicts and an inability to resolve disputes effectively.

Self-Sabotage. HCPs often engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, such as losing assets to legal fees or escalating conflicts that ultimately harm them. This is because their actions are driven by internal emotional crises rather than rational decision-making. Understanding that personalities, not issues, are the root cause of high-conflict disputes is the first step in managing them effectively.

2. Blame is the Core Pattern of High-Conflict People

Personality-disordered patients will often see the difficulties they encounter in dealing with other people or tasks as external to them, and generally independent of their behavior or input.

The Blame Game. HCPs have a lifelong, enduring pattern of blaming others for their problems. They consistently deny responsibility for their own actions and see themselves as victims of external forces. This pattern of blame is deeply ingrained in their personalities and drives them into one dispute after another.

• They are unable to reflect on their own behavior or see their part in the problem.
• They are constantly seeking someone or something else to blame.

Cognitive Distortions. This pattern of blame is fueled by cognitive distortions, which are defects in thinking that interfere with establishing satisfying adult relationships and succeeding in today’s world. These distortions include:

• All-or-nothing thinking
• Emotional reasoning
• Minimizing the positive, maximizing the negative
• Overgeneralization
• Personalization
• Projection

Emotional Facts. HCPs often generate "emotional facts" that fit their feelings, rather than basing their feelings on facts. These emotional facts are often exaggerations, out-of-context real facts, or non-existent facts based on their worst fears. They use these emotional facts to persuade others to join in their blaming.

3. Borderlines: The Rollercoaster of Love and Hate

Borderline personalities are known to be among the most difficult patients for mental health professionals, but many of them work hard in therapy and make significant progress over time.

Fear of Abandonment. Borderline personalities (BPs) are characterized by an intense fear of abandonment, which drives their behavior. They often cling to relationships, then push people away when they feel threatened. This creates a rollercoaster of love and hate, with extreme mood swings and unpredictable behavior.

• They idealize people, then devalue them.
• They are manipulative and controlling in an effort to avoid abandonment.

Impulsivity and Instability. BPs are also marked by impulsivity, self-harming behaviors, and an unstable sense of self. They may engage in reckless spending, substance abuse, or self-mutilation. Their emotions are often exaggerated and out of proportion to the situation.

• They have difficulty with close relationships and with ending relationships.
• They often have a history of childhood abuse or trauma.

Managing BPs. Working with BPs requires a stable, consistent approach. It is important to avoid getting drawn into their emotional dramas and to set clear boundaries. While they can be difficult to work with, many BPs can make significant progress with therapy.

4. Narcissists: The Grand Illusion of Superiority

Narcissistic personalities consider themselves superior to therapists and expect therapists to be allies in proving their superiority to the world, instead of treating them as patients.

Grandiose Self-Image. Narcissistic personalities (NPs) have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for admiration. They believe they are special and unique, and they expect to be treated as superior. They have a disdain for others and a lack of empathy.

• They are preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, and brilliance.
• They are entitled and expect special treatment.

Exploitative and Arrogant. NPs are interpersonally exploitative, taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. They are often envious of others and believe that others are envious of them. They display arrogant and haughty behaviors.

• They have difficulty with intimacy and often have shallow relationships.
• They are often involved in legal disputes because they are high risk-takers and disdainful of others.

Managing NPs. Working with NPs requires a different approach than with BPs. It is important to avoid reinforcing their grandiosity and to set clear boundaries. They are often resistant to treatment, as they do not see themselves as having a problem.

5. Antisocials: The Con Artists of Society

Antisocial personalities actually devalue others by physically controlling and harming them.

Disregard for Rules. Antisocial personalities (ASPs) have an extreme disregard for the rules of society and a lack of empathy. They are often manipulative, deceitful, and willing to hurt others for personal gain. They are often referred to as "con artists" or "psychopaths."

• They have a history of criminal behavior and a lack of remorse.
• They are impulsive and irresponsible.

Predatory Behavior. ASPs are often predatory in their violence, which means it is planned, purposeful, and lacks emotion. They may engage in domestic violence, child abuse, or other forms of harm. They are skilled at manipulating others and often have a history of lying and deception.

• They are often charming and persuasive, but their charm is a tool for manipulation.
• They are often involved in legal disputes as defendants for offenses ranging from shoplifting to murder.

Managing ASPs. Working with ASPs is extremely difficult. They are often resistant to treatment and have little insight into their own behavior. It is important to be cautious and to set clear boundaries.

6. Histrionics: The Drama Queens and Kings

Histrionic personalities are known for emotional intensity and drama.

Attention-Seeking Behavior. Histrionic personalities (HPs) are characterized by excessive emotionality and attention-seeking behavior. They are uncomfortable in situations where they are not the center of attention and often use dramatic and theatrical behavior to draw attention to themselves.

• They are often flirtatious and seductive.
• They have rapidly shifting and shallow emotions.

Superficial Relationships. HPs have difficulty with intimacy and often have shallow relationships. They are easily influenced by others and by current fads. They may exaggerate or fabricate events to gain attention.

• They are often involved in legal disputes because they are emotionally intense and seek attention.
• They may have a history of unstable relationships and employment.

Managing HPs. Working with HPs requires a calm and consistent approach. It is important to avoid getting drawn into their emotional dramas and to set clear boundaries. They may be more open to treatment than other HCPs, as they are often seeking attention and validation.

7. Paranoids: The World is a Conspiracy

Paranoid people have many issues when they are in close proximity with other people.

Distrust and Suspicion. Paranoid personalities (PPs) are characterized by a pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others. They interpret others' motives as malevolent and believe that others are out to get them. They are constantly on guard and may be quick to react angrily or to counterattack.

• They are reluctant to confide in others and often bear grudges.
• They may have recurrent suspicions about the fidelity of their spouse or partner.

Misinterpretations. PPs often read hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events. They may see conspiracies where none exist. They are often isolated and have difficulty forming close relationships.

• They are often involved in legal disputes because they are suspicious of others and may take legal action to protect themselves.
• They may have a history of workplace conflicts and lawsuits.

Managing PPs. Working with PPs requires a calm and non-threatening approach. It is important to be clear and direct in your communication and to avoid any behavior that could be misinterpreted as hostile or deceitful. They are often resistant to treatment, as they do not trust mental health professionals.

8. Negative Advocates Fuel the Fire

High-conflict personalities don’t get very far unless they persuade others to adopt their cognitive distortions and assist in their interpersonal battles.

Enablers of Conflict. Negative advocates are family members, friends, or professionals who inadvertently support the cognitive distortions and negative behavior of HCPs. They become persuaded to focus on other people's alleged misbehavior and help the HCP avoid responsibility.

• They may be well-intentioned, but they often make things worse.
• They may be swept up in the emotions of the HCP and become overly aggressive in their defense.

Emotional Amplification. Negative advocates often amplify the HCP's emotions and generate emotional facts that fit the HCP's distorted view of reality. They may become more manipulative, seductive, or tearful in an effort to get others to agree with them.

• They may be family members who have been worn down over time.
• They may be professionals who are easily fooled by the HCP's charm or emotional intensity.

Breaking the Cycle. To reduce high-conflict disputes, it is essential to identify and address the role of negative advocates. By understanding how they enable HCPs, we can develop strategies to prevent them from fueling the fire.

9. Bonding: The Foundation for Managing HCPs

The more consistent you are, the more secure the HCP will feel.

Addressing Insecurity. HCPs have a constant need for reassurance and validation due to their deep-seated insecurities. They are highly sensitive to rejection, criticism, and abandonment. Therefore, establishing a positive bond is crucial for managing them effectively.

• They often have a history of disrupted or difficult relationships.
• They may have difficulty trusting others.

Active Listening. The first step in building a bond is to listen attentively to their concerns without interrupting or judging. Respond with empathy and recognition of their feelings, but avoid agreeing with the content of their complaints.

• Use phrases such as, "That sounds really difficult" or "I understand how strongly you feel about that."
• Avoid getting defensive or arguing with their point of view.

Consistency and Predictability. Maintain a consistent level of contact and emotional support. Avoid being overly responsive one day and distant the next. This will help the HCP feel more secure and less likely to escalate their behavior.

• Be clear about your availability and how you will communicate with them.
• Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

Arm's-Length Bond. While it is important to be attentive and supportive, avoid getting too close to the HCP. Maintain a professional distance and avoid becoming emotionally involved in their dramas. This will help you avoid being manipulated or becoming a target of their anger.

10. Structure: Containing Chaos and Focusing on Tasks

High-conflict personalities have a difficult time organizing themselves for letting go, healing loss, and moving on.

External Control. HCPs have difficulty regulating their emotions and controlling their behavior. They need external structure to help them manage their lives and resolve disputes. This structure should include clear boundaries, expectations, and tasks.

• They often have difficulty with planning and problem-solving.
• They may be easily overwhelmed by emotions.

Setting Boundaries. Establish clear boundaries about your role, your availability, and the types of issues you will address. Avoid bending the rules or making exceptions, as this will only lead to future problems.

• Be clear about what you are responsible for and what you are not.
• Avoid getting drawn into their personal lives or taking on their responsibilities.

Focus on Tasks. Instead of focusing on emotions, focus on specific tasks that need to be accomplished. This will help the HCP feel more in control and less overwhelmed.

• Assign them tasks such as gathering documents, doing research, or preparing notes.
• Break down large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.

Managing Emotions. While it is important to acknowledge their feelings, avoid getting drawn into their emotional dramas. Redirect their focus to the tasks at hand and avoid engaging in lengthy discussions about their emotions.

11. Reality Testing: Challenging Distortions, Not People

Those with personality disorders are bombarded constantly with automatic negative thoughts based on these cognitive distortions.

Skepticism and Inquiry. HCPs often have a distorted view of reality, fueled by cognitive distortions. It is important to maintain a healthy skepticism and to challenge their claims with questions and evidence.

• Ask, "Is that really true?" or "What evidence do you have for that?"
• Avoid accepting their claims at face value.

Identifying Distortions. Recognize common cognitive distortions such as emotional reasoning, minimization, exaggeration, personalization, and projection. These distortions often lead to misinterpretations and false allegations.

• Help them identify their own cognitive distortions.
• Encourage them to challenge their automatic negative thoughts.

Focus on Facts. Emphasize the importance of facts and evidence, rather than emotions and opinions. Help them understand the difference between what they feel and what is actually true.

• Encourage them to gather evidence to support their claims.
• Avoid getting drawn into their emotional dramas.

Legal Realities. Help them understand the realities of the legal system, including the time, cost, and uncertainty involved. This will help them develop more realistic expectations and may encourage them to settle out of court.

12. Consequences: Motivating Change, Not Punishment

It takes strong consequences to change them.

Logical Consequences. HCPs need strong and structured consequences to change their behavior. These consequences should be logical and directly connected to the problem.

• If the problem is abusive behavior, the consequence should be a requirement to change that behavior.
• If the problem is misperceptions and false allegations, the consequence should be psychological treatment.

Cognitive-Behavioral Counseling. Mandate cognitive-behavioral counseling to help them identify and challenge their cognitive distortions and develop new coping skills. This type of counseling is practical and effective in long-term change.

• Focus on specific treatment goals, such as learning to regulate emotions, control impulses, and tolerate different points of view.
• Avoid treatments that only focus on empathy and support, as these may reinforce their victim mentality.

Court Action. Consider using the threat of court action to motivate them to change their behavior. This may include the threat of large fines, jail time, or exposure of their misdeeds.

• Be prepared to follow through with these threats if necessary.
• Use court sanctions to hold them accountable for their actions.

Responsibility. The ultimate goal is to help them take responsibility for their own behavior and to make positive changes in their lives. This requires a long-term commitment and a willingness to challenge their distorted thinking.

Last updated: January 15, 2025