Homecoming

1. Recognize the Call for Homecoming: Signs of Disconnection

Homecoming is a return to authentic living that is based on truth, self-acceptance, and an aligning of action with values and purpose.

Hear the alarm. Feeling disconnected from yourself is the first sign you need a homecoming. This isn't just about physical location, but your internal state – knowing, honoring, and loving yourself. You might feel like you're living someone else's life, driven by external expectations, past hurts, or the need for approval, rather than your core values.

Internal signals. Disconnection manifests internally through emotions like depression, anxiety, resentment, envy, or even a pervasive sense of boredom or numbness. These feelings are internal alarms indicating you've lost touch with your authentic self, needs, and dreams. Ignoring these signals can lead to physical and mental health issues.

External indicators. Your actions can also reveal disconnection, even if you appear successful or "fine" to others. Signs include:

• Perpetual busyness or perfectionism
• Dysfunctional distractions (addiction, emotional eating, excessive scrolling)
• Staying in unhealthy relationships or toxic jobs
• People pleasing to the point of self-erasure
• Control issues stemming from fear or entitlement
• Self-sabotage undermining your own well-being

2. Understand Why You Disconnected: Unhealed Wounds & External Pressures

The stress and traumas of life may have disconnected you from your sense of self, your confidence, and even your thoughts and feelings.

Survival mechanisms. Disconnection often begins as a way to cope with overwhelming stress, trauma, or loss. You might have learned to hide your true self to survive difficult environments, whether due to family dynamics, societal pressures, or traumatic events. This protective strategy, while necessary then, can become a barrier to authentic living later.

External forces. Societal barriers like poverty, discrimination, and systemic oppression actively work to disconnect you from your worth and identity. Being marginalized can force you to shrink yourself, constantly prove your value, or internalize harmful messages, making it unsafe to be fully yourself. This external pressure contributes significantly to internal disconnection.

Internalized beliefs. Past experiences, especially trauma or consistent invalidation, can lead to core beliefs that you are not good enough, worthy, or lovable. Believing these lies causes you to mask or hide yourself, seeking external validation rather than grounding yourself in your inherent worth. This internal landscape, shaped by external forces, fuels disconnection.

3. Reparent Yourself: Give Yourself What You Didn't Receive

Reparenting yourself means recognizing what you lost or what you were not given as a child and beginning to give those things to yourself now.

Healing childhood wounds. Many disconnections stem from not having our physical, emotional, or psychological needs fully met as children. While parents are imperfect, acknowledging what was missing – protection, nourishment, affirmation, emotional presence – is crucial. You don't get a do-over of childhood, but you can provide yourself with corrective experiences now.

Nurturing your inner child. Your wounded inner child can manifest as emotional dysregulation, self-destructive behaviors, or people pleasing. Reparenting involves consciously giving yourself the joy, structure, emotional space, accountability, and unconditional love you needed. This shifts you from being controlled by past hurts to nurturing yourself in the present.

Conscious choices. Reparenting means making intentional decisions for your well-being:

• Cultivating joy and playfulness
• Establishing healthy routines and boundaries
• Allowing yourself to feel and express emotions safely
• Holding yourself accountable with compassion
• Prioritizing self-care (physical, emotional, spiritual)
• Choosing self-love over self-condemnation

4. Cultivate Emotional Intelligence: Feel, Express, and Regulate

Emotional intelligence is the capacity to be tuned into and to regulate your feelings, and to relate to others in a way that takes into consideration their emotional experience as well as your own.

Emotional self-awareness. Disconnection often involves being out of touch with your own feelings, whether due to overwhelming intensity or learned suppression. Cultivating emotional intelligence starts with honestly recognizing your emotions – beyond just "fine" or "blessed" – and understanding their complexity and layers. Your body often holds clues to unacknowledged feelings.

Express and regulate. Learning to express your emotions in healthy, nondestructive ways is vital. This involves using your words, journaling, or engaging in expressive arts, rather than resorting to silence, aggression, or numbing behaviors. Regulation is about managing intensity, not suppressing feelings, allowing you to feel without being overwhelmed.

Relating with empathy. Emotional intelligence extends to understanding and responding to the feelings of others. This doesn't mean taking responsibility for their emotions, but recognizing their experience differs from yours. This awareness improves relationships and prevents misinterpretations, fostering authentic connection with yourself and others.

5. Prioritize Self-Care & Community Care: Nourish Your Whole Self

Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.

Beyond the bubble bath. Self-care is a holistic commitment to nourishing your mind, body, heart, and spirit, especially radical for those taught their worth is tied to labor or self-sacrifice. It's not selfish; it's necessary for well-being and resisting systems that devalue you. Ask yourself: Have I been a good friend to myself?

Holistic nourishment. Self-care involves conscious choices:

• Physical: Healthy eating, movement, rest, hygiene, medical care.
• Emotional/Psychological: Setting boundaries, seeking therapy, engaging in hobbies, shedding toxic relationships.
• Spiritual: Meditation, prayer, connecting with purpose, engaging with affirming communities.

Interconnected well-being. We are meant to live in community. Community care involves mutual support, advocacy, and creating environments where everyone can thrive. Learning to receive support is as important as giving it. Authentic homecoming flourishes when both personal nourishment and collective well-being are prioritized.

6. Build Authentic Confidence: Rooted in Truth, Not Perfection

To reach your full capacity, you have to stretch outside of your fears, anxieties, and self-doubt.

Confidence from within. Authentic confidence isn't magic or based on external validation; it's rooted in the truth of who you are and what you've overcome. Reflect on your resilience, survival, and the wisdom gained from past experiences, including failures. Your history, with all its wins and losses, is the foundation for believing in yourself.

Embrace imperfection. Building confidence requires self-compassion and accepting that failure is an event, not an identity. Give yourself grace for what you didn't know or couldn't do in the past. New beginnings are often uncomfortable; tolerate the awkwardness and keep learning. Confidence grows gradually through action and experience, not instant perfection.

Choose your circle. Be mindful of who encourages and who discourages you. Spend time with people who affirm your abilities and celebrate your successes, rather than those who chip away at your self-worth. Your confidence is a treasure; protect it by choosing relationships and environments that support your growth.

7. Engage in Spiritual Practices: Connect to Your Sacred Core

To come home to yourself with the wisdom of those who came before you involves acknowledging that you are a spiritual being.

Beyond the material. Homecoming is a psychological and spiritual journey. Recognizing yourself as a spiritual being connects you to a deeper essence beyond accomplishments or possessions. This inherent worth cannot be taken away and is a source of strength.

Practices for connection. Various spiritual practices can facilitate homecoming:

• Simplicity & Presence: Finding truth and peace in the quiet of the moment.
• Interconnection: Recognizing shared humanity and breaking isolation.
• Mindfulness/Contemplation: Intentional awareness with compassion.
• Generosity: Sharing from a place of abundance, not scarcity.
• Releasing/Surrender: Letting go of control, grudges, and unfulfilling pursuits.
• Self-Compassion: Radical acceptance and kindness towards yourself.
• Humility: Openness to learning and growth.

Nourishing your spirit. Engage in practices that feed your soul, whether meditation, prayer, fasting, expressive arts, or connecting with an affirming faith community. Your spiritual well-being is vital; choose spaces and practices that are inclusive, liberating, and align with values of love and justice.

8. Mourn Your Invisible Losses: Acknowledge What Was Taken or Given Away

To come home is to stop running away from your grief.

Grief demands to be seen. Disconnection often involves suppressing grief over losses – not just people, but lost time, dreams, hope, health, confidence, or aspects of yourself. This unacknowledged grief sits in your body and spirit, demanding attention. Facing it is painful but necessary for healing.

Identify the losses. Reflect on what you lost during seasons of disconnection or as a result of trauma and external pressures. These can be tangible or intangible:

• Lost time living inauthentically
• Lost dreams or hopes
• Lost faith (in self, others, or God)
• Lost relationships or connections
• Lost health or well-being
• Lost professional opportunities
• Lost sense of safety or trust

Reclaim and receive. Acknowledge the pain of what is permanently gone, but also identify what you can reclaim or rebuild. This might be your voice, creativity, self-care habits, or educational goals. Be open to new sources of hope and new manifestations of joy, recognizing that healing allows you to live a whole life even after loss.

9. Heal from Relationship Heartbreak: Reclaim Your Sense of Self

When you have had a relationship come to an end, it can disrupt your sense of self.

Acknowledge the pain. Breakups, divorce, or the end of significant relationships can be devastating, shattering your sense of identity if it was tied to the partnership. Create a safe space to honestly feel the heartbreak, grief, anger, confusion, or even relief, without judgment from yourself or others. Denial prolongs the pain.

Choose yourself. Your worth is not dependent on being chosen or affirmed by a partner. Heartbreak is an opportunity to reclaim your identity beyond the relationship label. Prioritize healing and affirming yourself before seeking external validation or rushing into new relationships.

Learn and release. Reflect on the relationship to gain wisdom about yourself, your needs, and warning signs, without blaming yourself for mistreatment. Create physical and emotional space from your ex to allow for clarity and healing. Release emotional, sexual, or financial entanglements that prevent you from moving forward and coming home to yourself.

10. Navigate Toxic Workplaces: Protect Your Spirit & Plan Your Path

Spending a lot of time in these spaces can cause you to disconnect from yourself.

Impact on well-being. Toxic work environments drain you mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Constant stress, disrespect, discrimination, or lack of fulfillment can lead to burnout, anxiety, depression, and physical ailments. Acknowledge the truth of how the workplace affects you, even if you feel stuck.

Coping in the meantime. If you cannot leave immediately, develop strategies to protect yourself:

• Identify what you can gain (skills, connections).
• Create morning rituals to nourish your spirit before work.
• Detox your workspace with life-giving elements.
• Find allies and advocates.
• Pick your battles and protect your peace.
• Leave work stress at work.
• Prioritize self-care, pleasure, and balance outside of work.

Plan your launch. If it's time to leave, gain clarity about your next steps. Process past workplace trauma to avoid replicating dynamics. Whether starting your own business or finding a new job, align your path with your purpose and gifts. Be strategic, prepare for challenges, and trust your ability to thrive beyond toxicity.

11. Recover from Childhood Trauma: Shed Shame & Rebuild Trust

The trauma may have caused you to become disconnected, overwhelmed, or even hopeless, but you are present nonetheless.

Acknowledge the impact. Childhood trauma, whether abuse, neglect, or oppression, leaves lasting imprints on your psyche, body, and relationships. Acknowledging that it happened and recognizing its significance is the crucial first step, pushing past denial or minimization. You survived, and your presence now is a testament to your resilience.

Heal the effects. Trauma can manifest as emotional dysregulation, difficulty concentrating, trust issues, people pleasing, or self-neglect. These are often survival responses, not inherent flaws. Healing involves distinguishing trauma responses from your true identity and working through them, ideally with professional support.

Release shame, rebuild trust. Trauma often burdens survivors with shame, making them feel something is wrong with them. Shedding this misplaced shame is vital. Rebuilding trust in yourself and others, despite past betrayals, allows you to break isolation and form healing connections. This journey requires patience, self-compassion, and creating safe spaces.

12. Resist Oppression: A Radical Act of Self-Love

If you have faced individual and institutional barriers that have made it hard for you to be at home with yourself, this journey is a radical, revolutionary act that resists erasure, stigma, stereotype, racism, sexism, and oppression in all its forms.

Oppression disconnects. Systems of oppression (racism, sexism, classism, etc.) actively work to define, limit, and erase marginalized individuals, making it difficult to feel safe and at home within oneself. Resisting these external forces is integral to the homecoming journey.

Self-preservation as resistance. In a world that devalues you based on identity, prioritizing your well-being and authentic self is a revolutionary act. Rejecting the pressure to conform, perform, or perpetually labor to prove your worth counters oppressive narratives. Your existence and self-acceptance are powerful forms of resistance.

Collective liberation. While personal healing is vital, true homecoming is also political. It involves challenging the systems that create disconnection for yourself and others. Engaging in community care, advocacy, and working towards justice creates a world where everyone has the opportunity to be at home within themselves.

Last updated: May 22, 2025