How to Be Fine

1. Kindness is a Powerful Catalyst for Personal Well-being

Being kind is fun.

Kindness begets kindness. Acts of kindness, whether big or small, create a positive feedback loop that benefits both the giver and the receiver. It's not just about feeling good about yourself; it's about creating a ripple effect of positivity in the world. For example, helping a stranger with groceries, offering a genuine compliment, or simply listening with empathy can brighten someone's day and, in turn, elevate your own mood.

Connection and empathy. Kindness fosters a sense of connection with others, breaking down barriers and building bridges. When you deliberately seek out opportunities to be kind, you start to see the world through a more compassionate lens. This can lead to a deeper understanding of others' experiences and a greater sense of belonging. For instance, helping mothers with strollers on the subway or volunteering at a local charity can create a sense of shared humanity.

Empowerment and healing. Acts of kindness can also be empowering, especially when they address past traumas. Speaking up against injustice or helping others who have experienced similar hardships can be a powerful way to reclaim your narrative and find healing. For example, sharing your story of mistreatment or advocating for a cause you believe in can transform pain into purpose.

2. Positive Self-Talk Reshapes Your Inner World

I’m always two weeks behind.

The power of inner dialogue. The way we talk to ourselves has a profound impact on our self-perception and behavior. Negative self-talk, often rooted in past experiences and societal messages, can create a cycle of self-doubt and limitation. For example, constantly telling yourself "I'm not good enough" or "I'm going to fail" can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Retraining your inner voice. Positive self-talk involves consciously replacing negative thoughts with more supportive and encouraging ones. This isn't about denying reality but about reframing your internal narrative to be more empowering. For example, instead of saying "I'm a mess," try saying "I'm doing my best" or "I'm learning and growing."

Practical techniques. There are many ways to cultivate positive self-talk, including:

• Repeating affirmations
• Journaling
• Having kind conversations with yourself
• Listening to affirmation podcasts

It may feel awkward at first, but with consistent practice, you can retrain your inner voice to be a source of strength and encouragement.

3. Gratitude Transforms Perspective and Enhances Joy

Writing thank-you notes reminded me I wasn’t alone, and I probably never would be.

Shifting focus. Practicing gratitude involves consciously focusing on the positive aspects of your life, rather than dwelling on the negative. This shift in perspective can lead to a greater sense of contentment and joy. For example, instead of focusing on what you lack, try appreciating what you already have, like your health, your relationships, or your opportunities.

Counting your blessings. There are many ways to practice gratitude, including:

• Writing thank-you notes
• Thanking objects for their service
• Answering "how are you" with things you're grateful for
• Playing the "Glad Game"

These practices help retrain your brain to focus on the good things in life and less on the bad.

Gratitude and activism. Practicing gratitude doesn't mean ignoring the world's problems. Rather, it can be a source of strength and motivation for fighting for justice and positive change. By appreciating what you have, you can be more inspired to fight for others to have the same. For example, being thankful for access to healthcare can motivate you to advocate for universal healthcare.

4. Treat Others as They Wish to Be Treated, Not as You Wish

When I finished reading, that memory of brunch popped into my head. And it dawned on me then that we were each trying to express and receive love in a language the other didn’t understand.

Understanding love languages. People express and experience love in different ways. These "love languages" include:

• Receiving gifts
• Quality time
• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

Understanding your own and others' love languages can improve communication and strengthen relationships.

Bridging communication gaps. When you try to express love in a way that doesn't resonate with the other person, your message may be missed. For example, if your partner values words of affirmation, they may not feel loved by your acts of service. Learning to speak their language can make them feel more understood and appreciated.

Empathy and connection. Treating others as they wish to be treated requires empathy and a willingness to step outside your own perspective. It's about recognizing that everyone has unique needs and preferences, and that what works for you may not work for them. This approach can lead to deeper connections and more fulfilling relationships.

5. Apologies, When Done Right, Heal and Strengthen Relationships

When I finished telling Brad all these things, it was like I had put a magic spell on him. He was over-the-moon happy because he finally felt understood and reassured.

The power of a sincere apology. A genuine apology can heal wounds and strengthen relationships. It's not just about saying "I'm sorry," but about acknowledging the harm you've caused, expressing remorse, and making amends. For example, instead of saying "I'm sorry if I hurt you," try saying "I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I understand why you're upset."

Key components of an effective apology:

• Acknowledge what you did wrong
• Explain the misguided intentions behind your actions
• Share your remorse and what you regret doing
• Offer a way to repair the damage

Beyond words. An effective apology often involves actions that demonstrate your commitment to change. This might include making restitution, changing your behavior, or seeking help to address the underlying issues that led to the harm. For example, if you broke a friend's favorite tool, offer to buy them a replacement.

6. Strategic Disconnection from Devices Fosters Creativity and Presence

Without the distraction of her screen, her thoughts gravitated toward old creative outlets, like the piano, which she started playing again with some success.

The allure of the digital world. Our devices can be incredibly useful, but they can also be incredibly distracting. Constant connectivity can lead to a state of perpetual stimulation, making it difficult to focus, be present, or tap into our creativity. For example, spending hours scrolling through social media can leave you feeling drained and disconnected from the real world.

The benefits of boredom. Boredom can be a catalyst for creativity and self-reflection. When we're not constantly being entertained, our minds are free to wander, make new connections, and generate new ideas. For example, commuting without your phone or sitting in a park without distractions can lead to unexpected insights.

Strategic device usage. It's not about eliminating technology entirely, but about using it more intentionally. This might involve setting aside specific times to check email, deleting addictive apps, or going for a walk without your phone. The goal is to create space for your mind to wander and for you to be more present in your life.

7. Living Below Your Means Cultivates Freedom and Contentment

When we focused less on things, we could focus more on people and experiences.

Beyond material possessions. Living below your means is about prioritizing experiences and relationships over material possessions. It's about recognizing that true happiness doesn't come from owning more stuff, but from living a life that aligns with your values. For example, instead of buying the latest gadget, you might choose to spend that money on a trip with friends or a class that interests you.

Financial freedom and control. Living below your means can also lead to greater financial freedom and control. By spending less than you earn, you can save money, pay off debt, and create a sense of security. This can reduce stress and allow you to make choices based on your values, rather than your financial constraints. For example, saving a large percentage of your paycheck can allow you to pursue a passion project or take a career risk.

Environmental responsibility. Living below your means can also be a way to reduce your environmental impact. By consuming less, you can reduce waste, conserve resources, and contribute to a more sustainable future. For example, choosing to walk or bike instead of driving, or buying secondhand items instead of new ones, can make a difference.

8. Decluttering Your Space Clears Your Mind

After clearing out the clutter and implementing new systems of order, my office went from a disorganized room where we threw our coats to the place that I work in and enjoy all the time.

The impact of clutter. Clutter can be a source of stress and distraction, making it difficult to focus and feel at peace. When your physical space is disorganized, it can also reflect a sense of disorganization in your mind. For example, a messy desk can make it harder to concentrate on work, while a cluttered closet can make it harder to find what you need.

The KonMari method. The KonMari method of decluttering involves going through your belongings by category, rather than by room, and asking yourself if each item "sparks joy." This approach helps you to identify what you truly value and to let go of what no longer serves you. For example, instead of just throwing out old clothes, you might hold each item and ask yourself if it makes you feel happy.

Creating a sense of order. Decluttering is not just about getting rid of stuff; it's also about creating systems of order that make your life easier and more enjoyable. This might involve organizing your closet, creating a filing system for your papers, or finding a designated place for everything you own. For example, having a specific place for your keys can save you time and stress.

9. Embracing New Experiences Fuels Growth and Discovery

And in doing so, she turned getting fired into embarking on her kick-ass solo career.

The power of "yes." Saying "yes" to new experiences can lead to unexpected opportunities and personal growth. It's about stepping outside your comfort zone and being open to the possibilities that life has to offer. For example, saying "yes" to a coffee with a new friend or a new hobby can lead to new connections and discoveries.

Overcoming fear and anxiety. Saying "yes" can be challenging, especially when you're feeling anxious or afraid. But by pushing through your fears, you can build confidence and resilience. For example, saying "yes" to a public speaking opportunity can help you overcome your fear of public speaking.

Expanding your horizons. Trying new things can also help you to expand your horizons and discover new passions. It's about being curious and open to the world around you. For example, saying "yes" to a new type of food or a new travel destination can broaden your perspective and enrich your life.

10. Recharging, Tailored to You, is Essential for Well-being

I was overjoyed to see this advice in a book. Finally, a way I already take care of myself is validated as something other people think is worth trying—and even writing a book about!

Individualized approaches. Recharging is not a one-size-fits-all approach. What works for one person may not work for another. It's about finding activities that help you to relax, replenish your energy, and feel more like yourself. For example, an introvert might prefer a quiet evening at home, while an extrovert might prefer a night out with friends.

Introverted vs. extroverted recharging. Introverts often recharge by spending time alone, while extroverts often recharge by spending time with others. Understanding your own preferences can help you to choose activities that are truly restorative. For example, an introvert might enjoy reading a book or taking a bath, while an extrovert might enjoy going to a party or having a conversation with a friend.

Permission to indulge. Recharging is not a waste of time; it's an essential part of self-care. It's about giving yourself permission to relax, indulge in activities you enjoy, and take a break from the demands of daily life. For example, watching a favorite movie, listening to music, or taking a nap can be a way to recharge your batteries.

11. Nature, Even in the City, Nurtures the Soul

And for every four-lane road I walked along, there were fifty tree-lined brownstone blocks filled with squirrels, front gardens, and flowers.

The benefits of nature. Spending time in nature has been shown to have a wide range of benefits, including reducing stress, improving mood, and boosting creativity. Even small doses of nature can make a difference. For example, taking a walk in a park, sitting by a tree, or looking at the sky can help you to feel more grounded and connected.

Urban nature. You don't have to live in the wilderness to experience the benefits of nature. Even in the most urban settings, there are opportunities to connect with the natural world. For example, visiting a city park, planting a garden on your balcony, or simply looking at the trees outside your window can make a difference.

Sensory engagement. Connecting with nature is about engaging all of your senses. It's about feeling the wind on your face, smelling the flowers, hearing the birds sing, and seeing the beauty in the world around you. For example, taking a walk in a park and paying attention to the details of your surroundings can be a way to connect with nature.

12. Meaningful Action and Preparing for Death Bring Purpose

And overall, we both felt a little more in touch with the reality of death—as well as what we value most in life.

Beyond self-focus. While self-care is important, it's also important to look beyond your own needs and consider how you can make a positive impact on the world. This might involve volunteering, donating to charity, or advocating for a cause you believe in. For example, fighting for racial equality or environmental justice can give your life a greater sense of purpose.

Confronting mortality. Preparing for death can be a way to clarify your values and live more intentionally. It's about considering what you want your legacy to be and making choices that align with your goals. For example, having conversations with loved ones about your wishes or completing end-of-life paperwork can bring a sense of peace and closure.

Living with intention. By taking meaningful action and preparing for death, you can live a life that is both purposeful and fulfilling. It's about recognizing that your time is limited and making the most of every moment. For example, spending time with loved ones, pursuing your passions, and making a positive impact on the world can help you to live a life that is both meaningful and joyful.

Last updated: January 14, 2025