How to Deal with Angry People

1. Anger: State vs. Trait - Understanding the Difference

Anger can be an emotion – a feeling state – that we are all capable of experiencing.

Anger as a fleeting emotion. Anger is a normal human emotion, a psychological reaction to injustice, poor treatment, or blocked goals. Like sadness or joy, it's a temporary state characterized by specific thoughts, physiological responses, and behaviors. Anyone can experience anger in a particular moment, regardless of their personality.

Anger as a personality trait. Some individuals exhibit a consistent pattern of angry feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. These people tend to get mad more often and more intensely than others, even when faced with the same provocations. Their anger is a stable part of who they are, influencing their interactions and reactions.

Why it matters. Recognizing the difference between anger as a state and a trait is crucial for effective communication. It helps us tailor our responses and understand whether we're dealing with a passing emotion or a deeply ingrained pattern of behavior.

2. The Biology of Anger: Nature and Nurture

For most complex diseases like diabetes and cancer, or heart disease, it’s an interchange between genes and environment that gives rise to disease.

Genes and environment interact. Our predisposition to anger is shaped by both our genetic makeup and our life experiences. Genes can influence brain structures, hormone levels, and other biological factors that contribute to anger, but these predispositions are modified by environmental factors like upbringing and social interactions.

The brain's role. The amygdala, often called the emotional computer, processes information and triggers anger responses. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and planning, helps us control our anger and prevent impulsive reactions. The size and activity of these brain regions are influenced by both genetics and experience.

Testosterone's influence. Testosterone, a sex hormone, is associated with status-seeking and can increase the propensity for anger when goals are blocked. While testosterone levels are partly determined by genetics, childhood experiences can also play a significant role in shaping them.

3. Emotional Upbringing: Learning How to Feel

I wasn’t allowed to have any of my feelings.

Early experiences shape emotions. Our childhood experiences, particularly our interactions with caregivers, play a crucial role in shaping our emotional development. We learn what emotions are acceptable to express and how to express them through reinforcement, punishment, and modeling.

Reinforcement, punishment, and modeling. Caregivers can reinforce or punish certain emotional expressions, teaching children which emotions are "good" or "bad." Children also learn by modeling the emotional expressions of their caregivers, adopting similar patterns of behavior.

Display rules. Cultural norms dictate how emotions should be expressed based on factors like gender, race, and age. These display rules can influence how people learn to manage and express their anger, leading to different patterns of behavior.

4. Emotional Contagion: Anger is Infectious

I absolutely snapped and I can’t explain it any other way.

Emotions spread like wildfire. Emotions can be contagious, spreading from person to person through a process called emotional contagion. Seeing someone express anger can trigger similar feelings in others, leading to a ripple effect of hostility.

Environmental factors. Our surroundings can also influence our emotional state. Factors like color, temperature, and even online anonymity can contribute to feelings of anger and aggression.

Intentional spread. Some individuals may intentionally try to rile others up, using emotional contagion as a tool to achieve their goals. This can be seen in situations like protests or online mobs, where people actively seek to spread their anger to others.

5. Worldviews: The Lens Through Which We See

Most psychological problems center on incorrectly appraising life’s stresses, reasoning on the basis of false assumptions and jumping to self-defeating conclusions.

Worldviews shape our reactions. Our underlying beliefs and assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world can significantly influence our emotional responses. Angry people often have specific worldviews that make them more prone to anger.

Common thought patterns. These include high expectations of others, all-or-nothing thinking, and disaster thinking. These thought patterns can lead to misinterpretations of events and exaggerated emotional reactions.

The cognitive triad. Beck's cognitive triad includes schemas about yourself, schemas about others, and schemas about the future. These are what Beck considered the three critical elements of a person’s belief system.

6. Cooling Down: Managing Your Own Emotions

I absolutely snapped and I can’t explain it any other way.

The fight-or-flight response. When we experience strong emotions, our bodies activate the sympathetic nervous system, preparing us to fight or flee. This can lead to physical symptoms like increased heart rate, sweating, and muscle tension.

What not to do. Cathartic activities like punching things or screaming may feel good in the moment, but they can actually increase anger and aggression in the long run. Exercise can also exacerbate negative feelings through excitation transfer.

Effective calming strategies. Deep breathing, muscle relaxation, and grounding techniques can help activate the parasympathetic nervous system and counteract the fight-or-flight response. Having a mantra or affirmation can also provide a sense of control and calm.

7. Recognizing Anger: Beyond Yelling and Screaming

This anger felt unhinged.

Anger takes many forms. Anger isn't always expressed through yelling, swearing, or physical aggression. It can also manifest as crying, sulking, sarcasm, or withdrawal.

Expression styles. People tend to gravitate toward consistent expression styles, which can be categorized as anger-out (outward aggression), anger-in (suppression), or anger control (managing the emotion).

Underlying issues. Understanding the different ways anger can be expressed can help us better understand the underlying issues and needs of the angry person. For example, crying might signal feelings of helplessness, while sarcasm might be a way of masking deeper emotions.

8. Empathy: Seeing the World Through Their Eyes

So much of my childhood was feeling that nobody understood.

Understanding the "why." To effectively deal with angry people, it's crucial to understand their perspective. This involves diagramming the angry incident from their point of view, considering the precipitant, their pre-anger state, and their appraisal process.

The precipitant, the pre-anger state, and the appraisal process. The precipitant is the provocation. The pre-anger state includes our physiological and emotional state at the time we experience the precipitant. Appraisal refers to how we interpret the precipitant.

Benefits of empathy. Understanding their perspective can help us identify where to intervene in the moment and recognize patterns in their anger. It can also foster compassion and understanding, making it easier to navigate difficult interactions.

9. Justified Anger: When They Have a Point

Sometimes the anger people have toward us is justified.

Not always our fault. It's important to acknowledge that sometimes, the anger directed at us is justified. We may have made a mistake, treated someone unfairly, or blocked their goals.

Separate feelings from behavior. Even if their anger is justified, it doesn't give them the right to treat us poorly. We can acknowledge their feelings while setting boundaries and expecting respectful behavior.

Apologize sincerely. If we've done something wrong, a sincere apology can go a long way toward resolving the situation. This involves taking responsibility for our actions, expressing remorse, and offering to make amends.

10. Disengagement: Knowing When to Walk Away

You are under no obligation to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy for you, and if you ever feel you are in danger of harm, you should get to a safe place.

Prioritize safety. Learning to deal with angry people is not about tolerating abuse. If you ever feel unsafe, it's important to disengage and seek help.

When to disengage. It's time to disengage when you don't feel safe, when the relationship is no longer good for you, or when you realize that it will likely never improve. This doesn't necessarily mean cutting off all contact, but it does mean setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being.

Take care of yourself. Disengaging from a toxic relationship can be emotionally challenging. It's important to take care of yourself, seek support from others, and focus on your own healing and growth.

11. Online Rage: Taming the Digital Beast

I absolutely snapped and I can’t explain it any other way.

Anger spreads online. The internet can be a breeding ground for anger and hostility. Anonymity, distance, and the potential for rewards can all contribute to the spread of online rage.

Strategies for dealing with online anger. These include waiting before responding, taking the conversation offline, avoiding angry emojis, having someone read your response before you send it, and asking yourself why you're responding.

Know when to disengage. It's important to recognize when an online interaction is no longer productive and to disengage before it escalates. This may involve blocking or muting the other person, or simply walking away from the conversation.

Last updated: April 18, 2025