How to Fix a Broken Heart

1. Heartbreak is a systemic and complex injury, not just emotional pain

There is a vast difference between wanting our emotional pain to stop and making a firm decision to make it stop.

Comprehensive impact. Heartbreak affects more than just our emotions. It impacts our body, brain, cognitive functioning, and relationships in far-reaching ways. The emotional pain can be so severe that it feels like physical pain, activating the same areas in the brain as near-unbearable physical discomfort.

Functional impairment. Studies have shown that heartbreak can temporarily lower IQ and significantly impair performance on tasks involving logic and reasoning. This explains why individuals often struggle to function normally at work or school when experiencing heartbreak.

Physical manifestations. Heartbreak can lead to:

• Suppressed immune system functioning
• Increased risk of heart disease, obesity, and type 2 diabetes
• Elevated levels of stress hormones like cortisol
• Sleep disturbances and changes in appetite

2. The brain reacts to heartbreak similarly to physical pain and drug addiction

Studies of the brain have revealed that romantic love involves the activation of both brain structures and neurochemistry that are highly associated with addiction.

Neurochemical response. When experiencing heartbreak, the brain responds similarly to drug withdrawal. This explains the intense cravings for the lost person or pet, inability to focus, disturbed sleep and appetite, anxiety, lethargy, irritability, and depression.

Addiction-like behavior. The addictive nature of heartbreak can lead to:

• Obsessive thoughts about the lost person or pet
• Compulsive behaviors to maintain a connection (e.g., revisiting memories, stalking on social media)
• Difficulty letting go and moving on

Coping mechanisms. Understanding this neurological response helps explain why people often engage in counterproductive behaviors after a breakup, such as repeatedly contacting their ex or obsessing over past memories.

3. Common mistakes after heartbreak: idealizing the ex and cyberstalking

By idealizing the person who broke our heart and recalling only highly polished versions of our lives with them, we are actually inflating the magnitude of our loss in our own eyes, exacerbating our emotional pain, and delaying our recovery.

Idealization trap. When heartbroken, people tend to focus disproportionately on their ex's best qualities and the happiest moments of the relationship. This selective memory distorts reality and makes moving on more difficult.

Cyberstalking dangers. In the digital age, it's easy to fall into the trap of obsessively checking an ex's social media profiles. This behavior:

• Reinforces emotional attachment
• Prolongs the healing process
• Can reactivate old wounds, even years after a breakup

Breaking the cycle. To counter these tendencies:

• Consciously remind yourself of the relationship's flaws and negative aspects
• Block or unfollow your ex on all social media platforms
• Focus on creating new experiences and memories

4. Avoidance and holding onto reminders can prolong emotional pain

Avoiding things does not lessen their emotional impact on us—it supersizes it.

Avoidance paradox. While it may seem logical to avoid people, places, or activities that remind us of our loss, doing so often strengthens the emotional association and prolongs the healing process.

Reminder management. Holding onto too many physical reminders of a lost relationship or pet can keep emotional wounds fresh. However, purging all reminders immediately isn't always the best approach either.

Strategies for healthy reminder management:

• Gradually reduce the number of physical reminders
• Create new associations with places or activities previously shared with the ex
• Store sentimental items out of sight but not necessarily discarded
• Focus on creating new memories and experiences

5. Self-compassion and mindfulness are crucial for healing from heartbreak

Self-compassion involves developing a nonjudgmental inner voice that responds to our own suffering with kindness and caring rather than self-blame.

Power of self-compassion. Practicing self-compassion has been shown to:

• Increase self-esteem
• Improve psychological and social functioning
• Lower depression and anxiety
• Enhance overall emotional health

Mindfulness benefits. Regular mindfulness practice can:

• Reduce rumination and obsessive thinking
• Lower emotional reactivity to distressing thoughts
• Increase focus on the present moment

Practical techniques:

• Write compassionate messages to yourself
• Imagine speaking to a friend experiencing the same situation
• Practice daily mindfulness meditation
• Focus on sensory experiences in the present moment

6. Redefining self-identity is essential for recovery after a significant loss

Recovering our sense of self and getting in touch with our core is a crucial variable in our ability to heal from heartbreak.

Identity shift. Relationships often require us to modify how we see ourselves. After a breakup or loss, we must readjust and reconnect with our individual identity.

Recovery process. Studies have shown that people who struggle to redefine their sense of self after a breakup experience greater psychological distress and poorer adjustment.

Steps to redefine self-identity:

• Reflect on personal values and interests outside the relationship
• Reconnect with neglected hobbies or friendships
• Set new personal goals and challenges
• Consider trying new experiences or activities

7. Society often fails to recognize and support those experiencing heartbreak

If emotional pain were visible, heartbreak and the suffering it caused would not remain disenfranchised for long.

Disenfranchised grief. Society often fails to recognize or validate the grief associated with certain types of heartbreak, such as the end of a short-term relationship or the loss of a pet. This lack of recognition can:

• Increase feelings of isolation
• Prolong the healing process
• Raise the risk of developing clinical depression

Workplace and school challenges. Unlike physical injuries, the pain of heartbreak is invisible, leading to a lack of understanding and accommodation in professional and academic settings.

Need for change. To address this issue:

• Educate people about the real impact of heartbreak on functioning
• Encourage more open discussions about emotional pain
• Develop policies that recognize and support those experiencing heartbreak

8. Healing from heartbreak requires a conscious decision to move forward

Healing from heartbreak always starts with a decision, a determination to move on when our mind is fighting to keep us stuck.

Active recovery. Healing from heartbreak is not a passive process that simply requires time. It demands conscious effort and determination to overcome the mind's tendency to dwell on the loss.

Key steps in the healing process:

• Recognize and counter unhealthy urges and habits
• Practice self-compassion and mindfulness
• Identify and fill the voids created by the loss
• Reconnect with core aspects of your identity
• Consider seeking new relationships or pets when ready

Empowerment. By taking control of the healing process, individuals can:

• Accelerate their recovery
• Reduce the risk of prolonged emotional pain
• Emerge stronger and more resilient from the experience

Last updated: December 8, 2024