How to Have Impossible Conversations

1. Embrace the fundamentals of good conversations

Nobody likes to be lectured.

Establish partnership. Treat your conversation partner as a collaborator, not an adversary. Focus on understanding their reasoning rather than winning an argument. This shift in mindset creates a psychologically safe environment for open dialogue.

Listen actively. Pay attention to what your partner is saying, ask clarifying questions, and acknowledge their perspective. Avoid interrupting or formulating rebuttals while they speak. Instead, strive to truly comprehend their point of view.

Build rapport. Find common ground and shared interests to create a foundation of trust. Use minimal encouragers like "I see" or "Go on" to show you're engaged. Mirroring your partner's language and body language can also help foster connection.

2. Ask questions and focus on epistemology

How could that belief be incorrect?

Probe deeper. Instead of challenging beliefs directly, ask open-ended questions about how your partner arrived at their conclusions. This shifts the focus to their reasoning process rather than the belief itself.

Explore epistemology. Investigate how your conversation partner knows what they claim to know. This can reveal potential flaws in their reasoning or highlight areas where they may be relying on incomplete information.

Use calibrated questions. Frame inquiries with "how" or "what" to encourage more detailed responses. For example, "What led you to that conclusion?" or "How might someone with a different perspective view this issue?"

3. Let friends be wrong and build golden bridges

It's better to be refuted than to refute.

Prioritize relationships. Accept that disagreements are normal and don't need to threaten friendships. Allow your friends to hold differing views without feeling compelled to correct them constantly.

Create exit ramps. Provide face-saving ways for your partner to change their mind or back down from a position. Use phrases like "I can see why you might think that" or "That's an interesting perspective I hadn't considered."

Acknowledge good intentions. Recognize that most people are trying to do what they believe is right, even if you disagree with their conclusions. This helps maintain a respectful dialogue.

4. Reframe conversations and change your mind when warranted

I just realized my belief might be wrong. I've changed my mind.

Shift perspectives. When conversations become stuck, try reframing the issue from a different angle. This can help both parties see the topic in a new light and move past impasses.

Model intellectual humility. Be willing to admit when you're wrong or when new information changes your perspective. This demonstrates that changing one's mind is a strength, not a weakness.

Use scales for nuance. Introduce numerical scales (e.g., 1-10) to gauge confidence levels in beliefs. This can reveal areas of uncertainty and create openings for further discussion.

5. Use disconfirmation to instill doubt

Under what conditions could [insert belief] be wrong?

Challenge assumptions. Ask your partner to consider what evidence or circumstances would cause them to question their belief. This encourages critical thinking about the foundations of their views.

Explore hypotheticals. Present scenarios that might contradict their position, encouraging them to think through the implications. This can reveal inconsistencies or areas of uncertainty in their reasoning.

Avoid facts and arguments. Resist the urge to present counterevidence, as this often leads to defensiveness. Instead, focus on helping your partner generate their own reasons for doubt.

6. Master the art of moral reframing

Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

Understand moral foundations. Recognize that people have different moral intuitions based on factors like care, fairness, loyalty, authority, sanctity, and liberty. These shape their worldviews and political leanings.

Speak their moral language. When discussing issues, frame your arguments in terms that resonate with your partner's moral foundations. This makes your points more persuasive and relatable.

Find common ground. Identify shared values and use them as a bridge to discuss more contentious issues. This creates a sense of moral alignment and reduces defensiveness.

7. Navigate difficult conversations with ideologues

Moral conversations are extremely difficult to navigate because moral beliefs are closely tied to issues of personal identity and community.

Acknowledge intentions. Recognize that even those with extreme views often believe they're acting for the greater good. This creates an opening for more productive dialogue.

Focus on underlying values. Shift the conversation from specific beliefs to the core values that inform them. This can reveal common ground and areas for potential agreement.

Use identity questions. Ask how holding certain beliefs relates to being a good person. This can help separate moral identity from specific positions and create space for reconsideration.

Last updated: September 29, 2024