How To Keep People From Pushing Your Buttons

1. Recognize that your thoughts, not external events, create your emotions

A's don't cause C's: B's largely cause C's.

The ABC model. This fundamental principle underpins the entire approach to emotional management. A represents the Activating event, B is your Belief or thoughts about the event, and C is the emotional or behavioral Consequence. Most people mistakenly believe that external events (A) directly cause their feelings (C), but in reality, it's our thoughts and beliefs (B) about those events that primarily determine our emotional reactions.

This insight empowers us to take control of our emotions by examining and changing our thinking patterns. For example, if you get anxious before a job interview, it's not the interview itself causing the anxiety, but your thoughts about potential failure or judgment. By recognizing this, you can challenge those anxiety-producing thoughts and replace them with more balanced, realistic ones.

Key aspects of the ABC model:

• A (Activating event): External situation or trigger
• B (Belief): Your thoughts and interpretations about A
• C (Consequence): Resulting emotion and behavior
• B, not A, is the primary cause of C

2. Identify and challenge irrational beliefs that fuel negative emotions

You can have scores of these irrational beliefs at one time, and thousands during your lifetime.

Common irrational beliefs. Many of our emotional disturbances stem from deeply held irrational beliefs that we often don't even realize we have. These beliefs typically fall into four main categories: demanding (musts and shoulds), awfulizing (catastrophizing), low frustration tolerance, and global evaluations of human worth. By learning to identify these beliefs in ourselves, we can begin to challenge and change them.

Some examples of irrational beliefs include:

• "I must be loved and approved by everyone important to me"
• "If something bad might happen, I should worry about it constantly"
• "I can't stand it when things don't go my way"
• "If I fail at something important, it means I'm a worthless person"

To challenge these beliefs, ask yourself questions like:

• Is this belief logically sound?
• What evidence supports or contradicts this belief?
• What are the consequences of holding this belief?
• What would be a more rational, balanced way of thinking?

3. Replace awfulizing, demanding, and rationalizing with realistic preferences

I'd like this group to like me and think highly of what I have to say. If they don't, that's unfortunate—but it's not awful unless I make it so.

Realistic preferences. The key to emotional stability is replacing rigid, absolutist thinking with flexible, preferential thinking. Instead of demanding that things must be a certain way, we can express strong preferences while accepting that reality may not always meet our desires. This shift in thinking allows us to maintain a sense of perspective and reduce unnecessary emotional suffering.

Examples of transforming rigid demands into realistic preferences:

• From: "I must succeed at this project or I'm a total failure!"
  To: "I'd strongly prefer to succeed, but if I don't, it's disappointing but not catastrophic."
• From: "People should always treat me fairly!"
  To: "I'd like people to treat me fairly, but I can handle it if they sometimes don't."
• From: "I can't stand being stuck in traffic!"
  To: "I definitely don't like being stuck in traffic, but I can tolerate it if I have to."

By adopting this more flexible mindset, we become more resilient in the face of life's inevitable frustrations and disappointments.

4. Use the ABC model to analyze and change your emotional reactions

Start at Point C and ask yourself: "How am I dysfunctionally feeling and acting in this situation [A] right now?"

Four-step process. To effectively change your emotional reactions, use this systematic approach:

1. Identify the dysfunctional feelings and behaviors (C)
2. Uncover the irrational thoughts causing them (B)
3. Challenge and dispute those irrational thoughts
4. Replace them with more rational, preferential thoughts

For example, if you're feeling overly anxious about a presentation:

1. C: Recognize your excessive anxiety, sweating, avoidance behavior
2. B: Identify thoughts like "I must perform perfectly or I'm a failure"
3. Challenge: "Is it truly necessary to be perfect? Can I not handle imperfection?"
4. Replace: "I'd like to do well, but it's okay if I'm not perfect. I can handle whatever happens."

Benefits of this process:

• Increases self-awareness
• Provides a structured way to address emotional issues
• Leads to more balanced, rational thinking
• Reduces the intensity of negative emotions
• Improves problem-solving ability

5. Apply rational thinking to work situations to reduce stress and conflict

I want him to be more cooperative, and I'd like us to get along better. If we do, great! If we don't, its not awful, terrible, and horrible. It's unfortunate, and I regret it.

Workplace rationality. Many work-related stresses and conflicts arise from irrational thinking patterns. By applying rational thinking techniques to common workplace situations, you can significantly reduce stress and improve your professional relationships.

Examples of rational thinking in work contexts:
Dealing with a difficult coworker:

• Irrational: "He's impossible to work with! He's ruining everything!"
• Rational: "I prefer we got along better, but I can manage even if we don't."

Handling criticism from a boss:

• Irrational: "My boss thinks I'm incompetent. I'm a total failure!"
• Rational: "I'd like my boss's approval, but I can handle disapproval and learn from it."

Coping with a heavy workload:

• Irrational: "I can't stand all this pressure. It's overwhelming!"
• Rational: "This workload is challenging, but I can prioritize and do my best."

By reframing workplace challenges in this way, you can maintain a more level-headed approach, leading to better decision-making and reduced emotional strain.

6. Improve relationships by managing your thoughts about your partner

I'd like her to be more positive, and to drop her sarcasm and criticism. I do want honest opinions, but not putdowns. It's frustrating that she's negative so frequently. I want her to stop it, but I can certainly stand it.

Rational relationship thinking. Many relationship problems stem from irrational beliefs and expectations about our partners. By adopting a more rational approach to thinking about your relationship, you can reduce conflict, increase understanding, and improve overall satisfaction.

Key principles for rational relationship thinking:

• Accept that your partner is fallible and won't always meet your preferences
• Focus on specific behaviors rather than globalizing character flaws
• Express preferences instead of demands
• Recognize that you can tolerate disappointment and frustration
• Take responsibility for your own emotions rather than blaming your partner

Example of transforming irrational thoughts in a relationship:

• Irrational: "My partner should always understand my needs without me having to explain."
• Rational: "I'd prefer my partner to understand me easily, but it's okay to communicate my needs clearly."

By managing your thoughts about your partner and the relationship, you create a more realistic and sustainable foundation for love and connection.

7. Parent more effectively by controlling your reactions to children's behavior

I want him to appreciate the importance of being responsible and so not taking advantage of others. If he does, that's great; but if he does not, I will continue to show him that there are consequences to being irresponsible.

Rational parenting. Children's behavior can often trigger intense emotional reactions in parents. By applying rational thinking to parenting challenges, you can maintain a calmer, more effective approach to guiding your children's development.

Key aspects of rational parenting:

• Recognize that children's misbehavior is not a reflection of your worth as a parent
• Set realistic expectations for children's behavior based on their age and development
• Focus on teaching and guiding rather than punishing
• Model rational thinking and emotional management for your children
• Use consequences logically and consistently, without anger or excessive emotion

Example of rational thinking in a parenting situation:

• Irrational: "My child's tantrum is ruining everything. I'm a terrible parent!"
• Rational: "Tantrums are frustrating but normal. I can calmly help my child learn to manage emotions."

By maintaining a rational perspective, you can create a more positive, supportive environment for your children's growth and your own parental satisfaction.

8. Handle life's daily hassles with a rational, balanced perspective

I'd like this process to have gone smoothly, but it hasn't. That's very frustrating; it's bad enough that I can't use the boat right away, and have to start over again. But I don't have to make myself needlessly angry and depressed as well.

Rational daily living. Life is full of minor annoyances and frustrations that can accumulate to create significant stress if not managed properly. By applying rational thinking to these everyday hassles, you can maintain a more balanced emotional state and navigate life's challenges more effectively.

Strategies for handling daily hassles rationally:

• Recognize that inconveniences are a normal part of life, not catastrophes
• Practice perspective-taking to avoid magnifying minor problems
• Use problem-solving skills to address issues you can control
• Accept and adapt to situations beyond your control
• Find humor in life's absurdities when possible

Example of rational thinking in a daily hassle:

• Irrational: "This traffic jam is ruining my entire day! I can't stand it!"
• Rational: "Traffic is frustrating, but it's a common occurrence. I can use this time productively or practice patience."

By consistently applying rational thinking to life's small challenges, you build resilience and maintain a more positive outlook overall.

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Last updated: April 22, 2025