How To Control Your Anger Before It Controls You

1. Anger is self-created, not caused by external events

"You—y-o-u—normally anger yourself. You do so by creating IBs about others' 'unfair' and 'unjust' behaviors."

Self-responsibility is key. Anger doesn't arise automatically from external events, but from our interpretations and beliefs about those events. This fundamental REBT principle shifts the locus of control inward, empowering individuals to change their emotional responses.

Beliefs mediate between events and emotions. When faced with adversity (A), our beliefs (B) about the situation determine our emotional consequences (C). By recognizing this ABC model, we can intervene at the belief level to alter our anger response.

Common anger-producing beliefs:

• "This should not be happening"
• "I can't stand it"
• "They are awful people for treating me this way"
• "I must be treated fairly at all times"

2. Identify and challenge irrational beliefs fueling anger

"Cherchez le should, cherchez le must! Look for the should, look for the must!"

Detect demandingness. Anger often stems from rigid, absolutistic thinking patterns characterized by "shoulds," "musts," and "oughts." These inflexible demands set us up for frustration and rage when reality inevitably fails to meet our expectations.

Question the validity of these beliefs. Once identified, irrational beliefs can be challenged through a process of logical disputation. Ask yourself:

• Is this belief based on fact?
• Is it helping me achieve my goals?
• Where is the evidence that things "must" be a certain way?

Common irrational beliefs to dispute:

• Awfulizing: "It's terrible when I don't get my way"
• Low frustration tolerance: "I can't stand it when people treat me unfairly"
• Global rating: "He's a complete jerk for doing that"

3. Distinguish between healthy and unhealthy negative emotions

"REBT doesn't attempt to make you 'rational' in the sense of ridding you of all your feelings. Not at all!"

Emotions serve a purpose. REBT recognizes that negative emotions can be adaptive. The goal isn't to eliminate all negative feelings, but to transform unhealthy, debilitating emotions into healthy, motivating ones.

Healthy vs. unhealthy negativity. Healthy negative emotions like disappointment, concern, and regret help us navigate life's challenges constructively. Unhealthy emotions like rage, anxiety, and depression tend to be self-defeating and interfere with problem-solving.

Comparison of healthy vs. unhealthy negative emotions:

• Annoyance vs. Rage
• Concern vs. Anxiety
• Sadness vs. Depression
• Regret vs. Guilt

4. Practice cognitive restructuring to change anger-producing thoughts

"Only with continual practice will you consistently uproot your IBs and, even then, never for all time to come."

Actively dispute irrational beliefs. Cognitive restructuring involves systematically identifying, challenging, and replacing anger-producing thoughts with more rational alternatives. This is an ongoing process that requires persistent effort and practice.

Use the ABCDE model. This expanded framework adds Disputing (D) of irrational beliefs and developing new, Effective (E) rational beliefs to replace them. Regular practice of this model helps internalize a more constructive thinking pattern.

Steps in cognitive restructuring:

1. Identify the activating event (A)
2. Notice your beliefs (B) about the event
3. Recognize the emotional consequences (C)
4. Dispute (D) irrational beliefs
5. Develop effective (E) new beliefs and behaviors

5. Use emotive techniques to reduce anger intensity

"By using REBT methods, you can do the same thing for yourself. Acknowledge fully that you create your own enraged feelings and see how you do so."

Engage emotions directly. While cognitive techniques are crucial, REBT also employs emotive methods to tackle anger at the feeling level. These approaches help interrupt and diminish the intensity of angry emotions.

Practice emotional exercises. Techniques like Rational Emotive Imagery (REI) and shame-attacking exercises allow individuals to vividly experience and then transform their anger in a controlled setting.

Emotive techniques for anger reduction:

• Rational Emotive Imagery: Visualize angering situations and practice changing your emotional response
• Shame-attacking exercises: Deliberately engage in "embarrassing" behaviors to reduce sensitivity to criticism
• Role-playing: Act out anger-provoking scenarios and practice alternative responses
• Unconditional self-acceptance: Learn to accept yourself even when feeling angry

6. Develop assertiveness skills as an alternative to aggression

"Assertion involves taking a stand, resisting unreasonable demands, or asking for what you want. Aggression involves putting another person down."

Assertiveness as a middle ground. Many people oscillate between passive and aggressive communication styles. Assertiveness offers a balanced approach that respects both self and others.

Learn specific assertiveness techniques. Effective assertion involves clear, direct communication of one's needs and boundaries without violating the rights of others. It often includes the use of "I" statements and active listening skills.

Key components of assertive communication:

• Express feelings and needs clearly
• Use "I" statements instead of accusations
• Maintain appropriate eye contact and body language
• Listen actively to others' perspectives
• Be willing to compromise and negotiate

7. Increase frustration tolerance and adopt a cooperative outlook

"Personal growth doesn't stem from avoiding frustration but from facing it and giving up your whining about it."

Build resilience to life's challenges. Low frustration tolerance is a key contributor to anger. By gradually exposing ourselves to frustrating situations and reframing our beliefs about them, we can increase our ability to cope without resorting to rage.

Shift from competition to cooperation. An overly competitive mindset can fuel anger and conflict. Adopting a more cooperative outlook allows for win-win solutions and reduces unnecessary antagonism.

Strategies for increasing frustration tolerance:

• Practice delayed gratification
• Set challenging but achievable goals
• Reframe frustrations as opportunities for growth
• Use humor to defuse tense situations
• Focus on long-term benefits over short-term discomfort

8. Apply relaxation techniques to manage physiological arousal

"Learning to calm yourself down physically is an important tool you can use to interrupt and reduce your rage."

Address the physical component of anger. Anger involves both cognitive and physiological arousal. Relaxation techniques help manage the bodily symptoms that can intensify and prolong angry feelings.

Practice regular relaxation. Techniques like progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, and mindfulness meditation can be powerful tools for reducing overall stress and reactivity to anger triggers.

Relaxation techniques for anger management:

• Progressive muscle relaxation
• Diaphragmatic breathing
• Mindfulness meditation
• Guided imagery
• Autogenic training

9. Accept yourself with your anger while working to reduce it

"Accept yourself, then, with your anger. This does not mean, as some psychological writings imply, that you had better view angry feelings as good, healthy, or constructive."

Practice self-compassion. Accepting that anger is a normal human emotion doesn't mean condoning destructive behavior. Self-acceptance allows for honest acknowledgment of anger without harsh self-judgment, creating space for positive change.

Separate behavior from identity. Recognize that experiencing anger doesn't make you a "bad" person. Focus on changing specific thoughts and behaviors rather than globally rating yourself.

Steps for self-acceptance with anger:

1. Acknowledge angry feelings without judgment
2. Recognize the difference between feeling angry and acting on anger
3. Take responsibility for anger without self-condemnation
4. View anger as an opportunity for growth and learning
5. Commit to constructive change while accepting human fallibility

10. Recognize the costs of chronic anger and benefits of control

"The more you understand the biological, social, cognitive, and other sources of your angry feelings and actions, the greater are your chances of reducing their poor results and of looking for better solutions than those that go with rage."

Anger carries a heavy price. Chronic anger can damage relationships, impair health, hinder problem-solving, and lead to regrettable actions. Understanding these costs provides motivation for change.

Benefits of anger management are substantial. Improved emotional control leads to better relationships, enhanced problem-solving abilities, reduced stress, and greater overall life satisfaction.

Costs of chronic anger:

• Strained or broken relationships
• Increased risk of cardiovascular problems
• Impaired decision-making and judgment
• Legal or professional consequences
• Emotional exhaustion and burnout

Benefits of effective anger management:

• Healthier, more satisfying relationships
• Improved physical and mental health
• Enhanced communication skills
• Greater success in personal and professional life
• Increased emotional intelligence and self-awareness

Last updated: May 19, 2025