How to Love Better

1. Self-Awareness and Healing are Foundational for Better Love

To be able to love your partner well, a deep reckoning needs to happen where you realize that how you love and heal yourself has a direct connection to how you show up in your relationship.

Inner work is essential. Before you can truly love another, you must first understand and love yourself. This involves deep self-reflection, acknowledging your emotional history, and actively working to heal past wounds. Unresolved issues and negative patterns will inevitably surface in your relationships, hindering your ability to connect authentically and compassionately.

Humility and growth. Cultivating humility is key to personal growth and peaceful relationships. Recognizing that there is always more to learn and being open to feedback allows you to evolve and adapt. This mindset fosters compassion for yourself and others, creating space for patience and understanding.

Self-awareness practices. Practices like journaling, meditation, and therapy can help you develop self-awareness. These tools allow you to explore your inner landscape, identify triggers, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. By understanding your own emotions and patterns, you can better manage your reactions and respond to your partner with greater empathy and skill.

2. Attachment is the Enemy of Love; Freedom is Key

Love is meant to support the feeling of freedom when in the presence of your partner, but attachment can squander that feeling when you demand things happen the way you want them to.

Attachment vs. love. Attachment, characterized by craving and a desire to control, is a major obstacle to love. It creates tension, limits perspective, and stifles freedom. True love, on the other hand, fosters a sense of liberation and allows each partner to grow and evolve.

Letting go of control. The illusion of control is a common trap. Trying to force outcomes or dictate your partner's behavior will only lead to resentment and disconnection. Instead, focus on accepting change and embracing the natural flow of life.

Cultivating selflessness. Selflessness is a crucial element of love. It involves prioritizing your partner's happiness alongside your own and being willing to compromise. This requires seeing beyond your own ego and attachments and acting with kindness and compassion.

3. Commitment and Understanding Build Harmonious Relationships

The key to harmony in a relationship is finding a balance between making sure that your genuine needs are met, and establishing clear and voluntary commitments that help support each other’s happiness.

Voluntary commitments. Instead of relying on unspoken expectations or demands, establish clear and voluntary commitments with your partner. This involves open communication about your needs and desires, followed by a conscious decision to support each other's happiness.

Honesty and reciprocity. Honesty is the foundation of any strong relationship. Be truthful about your feelings, needs, and limitations. Reciprocity is also essential; both partners should be actively contributing to the well-being of the relationship.

Understanding over winning. When conflict arises, shift your focus from winning the argument to understanding your partner's perspective. This requires selfless listening, empathy, and a willingness to see things from their point of view.

4. Arguments are Opportunities for Deeper Connection

In the midst of an argument, remember that this is the person you love, and they are not your enemy.

Arguments are inevitable. Disagreements are a natural part of any close relationship. Instead of viewing them as a sign of failure, see them as opportunities for growth and understanding.

Calm communication. During an argument, strive to communicate calmly and respectfully. Use "I" statements to express your feelings and avoid blaming or attacking your partner.

Selfless listening. Practice selfless listening by focusing on understanding your partner's perspective without interrupting or formulating your response. This requires setting aside your ego and genuinely trying to see things from their point of view.

5. Relationships Require Constant Effort and Growth

Relationships that are nourishing don’t just happen without any work.

Design a relationship culture. Create a culture that takes into account your separate emotional histories, needs, communication styles, and goals. This involves open communication, active listening, and a willingness to adapt and compromise.

Embrace change. Relationships evolve over time, and it's important to be flexible and adaptable. Be open to new experiences, interests, and perspectives, and support your partner's growth and evolution.

Prioritize kindness and compassion. Treat your partner with kindness, even during difficult times. Practice compassion by putting yourself in their shoes and trying to understand their perspective.

6. Knowing When to Break Up is an Act of Self-Love

If you want to create more harmony with those you are closest to, you should widen your channel of communication so that you are both clear about how you would like your happiness to be supported.

Intuition and self-respect. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, a relationship may no longer be right for you. Trust your intuition and prioritize your own well-being. Knowing when to walk away is an act of self-love.

Signs it's time to break up:

• Relentless discord and lack of joy
• Persistent intuitive feeling that it's not the right match
• Lack of physical attraction or intimacy
• Unwillingness to grow or evolve
• Inability to be vulnerable
• Diverging life paths

Compassionate separation. If you decide to break up, do so with kindness and respect. Be honest about your reasons, but avoid blaming or attacking your partner.

7. Heartbreak is an Opportunity for Rebirth

Reframe heartbreak into a moment of rebirth, an opening to a new and better you.

Grieve and heal. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, but don't let it consume you. Use this time to reflect on what went wrong and what you can learn from the experience.

Self-reflection and growth. Ask yourself tough questions about your role in the relationship and identify areas where you can improve. This is an opportunity to break negative patterns and develop healthier habits.

Reconnect with yourself. Focus on self-love and self-care. Rediscover your passions, reconnect with friends and family, and build a strong foundation of inner peace and happiness.

8. Find a Partner Who Embodies Kindness, Growth, and Compassion

The three biggest green flags are growth, kindness, and compassion.

Kindness is key. Look for someone who treats you with kindness, even during difficult times. This includes being gentle, patient, and understanding.

Growth-oriented mindset. Seek a partner who is committed to personal growth and evolution. This includes being open to feedback, willing to learn from mistakes, and eager to expand their perspective.

Compassion is essential. Find someone who can see beyond their own ego and empathize with your feelings and experiences. This requires humility, understanding, and a genuine desire to support your happiness.

Last updated: April 7, 2025