How We Fight For Our Lives

1. Childhood struggles with identity and family expectations

Being black can get you killed. Being gay can get you killed. Being a black gay boy is a death wish.

Identity formation. Saeed Jones grapples with his identity as a young black gay boy growing up in Texas. He faces the dual challenges of racial discrimination and homophobia, both from society at large and within his own family. His grandmother's religious beliefs clash with his emerging sexuality, creating tension and alienation.

Family dynamics. The author's relationship with his single mother, Carol, is central to his story. While loving and supportive, she struggles to fully accept and discuss her son's sexuality. This creates a complex dynamic where Saeed feels both deeply connected to and somewhat distant from his mother. The absence of a father figure and the occasional presence of extended family members further complicate his sense of belonging and self-understanding.

2. Exploring sexuality and facing discrimination in adolescence

I couldn't even summon the nerve to talk to her about any of the guys I'd dated or how much I secretly loathed myself, much less talk to her about men like the Botanist.

Sexual awakening. As a teenager, Saeed begins to explore his sexuality through secret encounters and online interactions. He visits gay chat rooms and has his first sexual experiences with men, often older and sometimes in risky situations. These encounters are marked by a mix of excitement, shame, and fear of discovery.

Societal pressure. The author faces discrimination and microaggressions in his daily life, from classmates, strangers, and even potential sexual partners. He learns to navigate a world that often sees his intersecting identities as threatening or undesirable. This leads to internal conflicts and a struggle to reconcile his desires with societal expectations.

• Experiences of racial fetishization in sexual encounters
• Hiding his sexuality from family and some friends
• Dealing with homophobic slurs and threats

3. College years: Embracing identity and confronting personal demons

I buried myself in the bodies of other men so I could feel something other than the depression that was rolling in like a fog bank.

Self-discovery. At Western Kentucky University, Saeed finds a more accepting environment and begins to openly embrace his gay identity. He becomes involved in the speech and debate team, excelling academically while also exploring his sexuality more freely. This period is marked by both liberation and excess, as he engages in numerous sexual encounters and relationships.

Internal struggles. Despite his outward success and newfound freedom, Saeed grapples with deep-seated insecurities and self-loathing. He engages in risky sexual behavior, sometimes putting himself in dangerous situations. The author describes a particularly traumatic encounter with a man referred to as "the Botanist," which becomes a recurring source of shame and anger.

• Experiences of racial fetishization in the gay community
• Struggles with depression and self-destructive behavior
• Academic success contrasted with personal turmoil

4. The complexities of mother-son relationships and coming out

"I love you, Saeed," she said. "And honestly, you sound happy. If you're happy, I'm happy."

Coming out. Saeed's decision to come out to his mother is a pivotal moment in their relationship. While she initially responds with acceptance and love, there remains an unspoken tension around fully discussing his sexuality and experiences. This illustrates the ongoing challenge of bridging the gap between parent and child, especially when it comes to sensitive topics.

Unspoken bonds. Throughout the memoir, Saeed's relationship with his mother, Carol, is portrayed as deeply loving but sometimes strained by unspoken truths. They share a strong bond, often communicating through subtle gestures and shared silences. However, this closeness is also marked by what remains unsaid, particularly about Saeed's sexuality and personal struggles.

• The impact of Carol's health issues on their relationship
• Shared Buddhist faith as a connecting force
• The challenge of maintaining closeness while living apart

5. Traumatic experiences and their lasting impact on self-perception

If standing over the unconscious body of a man who, just moments before, had tried to bash my head in is the closest I will ever come to feeling like a god, I can say now that I understand how a god might look down at a mortal man and love him all the more, precisely because of his vulnerability.

Defining trauma. The author recounts a harrowing experience on New Year's Eve in Phoenix, where a sexual encounter turns violent. This event becomes a defining moment in Saeed's life, forcing him to confront his vulnerability and the dangers he faces as a gay black man. The trauma of this experience lingers long after the physical wounds have healed.

Self-reflection. In the aftermath of the attack, Saeed grapples with feelings of shame, anger, and self-blame. He questions his own role in putting himself in dangerous situations and struggles to reconcile his desire for intimacy with the fear of violence. This internal conflict leads to a deeper examination of his identity and the societal forces that shape his experiences.

• The intersection of race and sexuality in experiences of violence
• The challenge of processing trauma while maintaining outward success
• The role of writing in confronting and understanding traumatic experiences

6. The power of writing and storytelling in processing trauma

I believed that I could control any story I told. If something happened, I could write about it, own it, resolve it.

Catharsis through creativity. Saeed turns to writing as a means of processing his experiences and emotions. He begins to craft poems and essays that explore his identity, trauma, and relationships. This creative outlet becomes a crucial tool for self-discovery and healing.

Literary influences. The author finds solace and inspiration in the works of other black and queer writers. He draws parallels between his own life and the stories of figures like James Baldwin and Reginald Shepherd. These literary connections help Saeed contextualize his experiences within a broader cultural and historical framework.

• The challenge of balancing personal truth with artistic expression
• Writing as a means of reclaiming agency after traumatic experiences
• The role of literature in forming and understanding identity

7. Navigating grief and family dynamics after loss

I sat at the table, staring at nothing until my uncle walked in. "I can't sleep here," I said, quietly so my grandmother wouldn't hear me. He nodded.

Sudden loss. The sudden hospitalization and death of Saeed's mother, Carol, becomes a pivotal moment in the memoir. This loss forces him to confront the complexities of his family relationships and his own identity in a new light. The author describes the disorienting experience of grief, moving between moments of intense emotion and numbing detachment.

Family reconnection. In the wake of his mother's death, Saeed finds himself reconnecting with family members, particularly his uncle Albert. This process reveals both the strength of family bonds and the lingering tensions around his sexuality and life choices. The author navigates the delicate balance of honoring his mother's memory while asserting his own identity.

• The challenge of making end-of-life decisions for a parent
• Reconnecting with estranged family members in times of crisis
• The role of shared grief in healing family rifts

8. Finding strength and authenticity in the face of adversity

People don't just happen. We sacrifice former versions of ourselves. We sacrifice the people who dared to raise us. The "I" it seems doesn't exist until we are able to say, "I am no longer yours."

Self-actualization. Throughout the memoir, Saeed's journey is one of discovering and asserting his authentic self. Despite facing discrimination, trauma, and loss, he ultimately finds the strength to embrace his identity as a gay black man and writer. This process involves both confronting painful truths and celebrating moments of joy and connection.

Resilience and growth. The author's experiences, while often difficult, ultimately contribute to his personal growth and resilience. He learns to navigate complex relationships, process trauma, and find his voice as a writer. By the end of the memoir, Saeed emerges as a more fully realized version of himself, capable of honoring his past while forging his own path forward.

• The importance of finding community and mentors
• Learning to balance vulnerability with self-protection
• The ongoing process of self-discovery and personal growth

Last updated: January 22, 2025