Hunger

1. Childhood trauma shapes self-perception and body image

I was twelve years old, I was raped.

The defining moment. At twelve, Roxane Gay experienced a traumatic gang rape that shattered her sense of self and safety. This event became the catalyst for her complex relationship with her body, marking a clear divide between the "before" and "after" in her life. The assault left her feeling broken, ashamed, and desperate for protection.

Coping through food. In the aftermath of the trauma, Gay turned to food as a means of comfort and self-protection. She began eating excessively, viewing her increasing size as a way to make herself less vulnerable and less attractive to potential abusers. This coping mechanism, while providing a sense of safety, also led to a lifelong struggle with weight and body image.

Silence and shame. Unable to tell anyone about the assault, Gay carried the burden of her secret for years. This silence perpetuated her feelings of shame and self-loathing, further complicating her relationship with her body and her sense of self-worth. The trauma continued to influence her choices and behaviors well into adulthood, shaping her interactions with others and her perception of her own value.

2. Society's cruel treatment of fat bodies perpetuates shame

I am shoved in public spaces, as if my fat inures me from pain and/or as if I deserve pain, punishment for being fat.

Constant judgment. Society's treatment of fat bodies is often cruel and dehumanizing. Gay describes numerous instances of public humiliation, from strangers' unsolicited comments to the physical discomfort of spaces not designed to accommodate larger bodies. This constant scrutiny and judgment reinforce feelings of shame and unworthiness.

Invisibility and hypervisibility. Fat bodies experience a paradoxical existence of being both invisible and hypervisible in society. Gay recounts how she is often overlooked or dismissed in professional settings, yet subjected to intense scrutiny and ridicule in public spaces. This dichotomy further complicates her relationship with her body and her place in the world.

Internalized shame. The pervasive societal attitude towards fat bodies leads to internalized shame and self-loathing. Gay describes the mental toll of constantly feeling like a spectacle, of being denied basic dignity and respect, and of internalizing the message that her body is a problem to be solved. This shame becomes a barrier to self-acceptance and a source of ongoing emotional struggle.

3. The complex relationship between food, comfort, and control

I eat and eat and eat so I can forget, so my body could become so big it would never be broken again.

Food as comfort. Gay's relationship with food is deeply intertwined with her emotional state. Food becomes a source of comfort, a way to numb pain, and a means of exerting control over her body. The act of eating provides temporary relief from emotional distress and a sense of filling an internal void.

Binge eating and purging. The author describes periods of binge eating and purging, revealing the complex nature of disordered eating. These behaviors serve as both a form of self-punishment and a misguided attempt at self-care. The cycle of binging and purging becomes a physical manifestation of emotional turmoil.

Control and rebellion. Food and eating habits become a way for Gay to assert control over her body and rebel against societal expectations. By intentionally gaining weight, she creates a physical barrier between herself and potential harm. However, this act of rebellion also traps her in a cycle of self-loathing and further disconnection from her body.

4. Navigating relationships and intimacy with a "different" body

My body was nothing, so I let anything happen to my body. I had no idea what I enjoyed sexually because I was never asked and I knew my wants did not matter.

Self-worth and relationships. Gay's perception of her body significantly impacts her romantic relationships. She describes a pattern of accepting subpar treatment and emotional abuse, believing that her body makes her undeserving of love and respect. This low self-worth leads to a series of unfulfilling and sometimes harmful relationships.

Sexual experiences. The author's sexual experiences are often colored by her belief that she doesn't deserve pleasure or consideration. She describes encounters where her own desires are ignored or where she's treated roughly, accepting this treatment as a natural consequence of her size.

Learning to demand better. As Gay grows older and gains more self-awareness, she begins to recognize her worth and demand better treatment in relationships. This process is slow and difficult, but it marks an important step in her journey towards self-acceptance and healthier relationships.

5. The medical establishment's failure to treat fat patients with dignity

Doctors are supposed to first do no harm, but when it comes to fat bodies, most doctors seem fundamentally incapable of heeding their oath.

Bias in healthcare. Gay describes numerous instances of medical professionals treating her with disdain or dismissing her health concerns due to her weight. This bias in healthcare leads to inadequate treatment and a reluctance to seek medical attention, potentially endangering her health.

Physical limitations. Many medical facilities are not equipped to accommodate larger bodies, from scales that can't measure higher weights to blood pressure cuffs that don't fit. These physical limitations serve as constant reminders of the medical establishment's failure to consider and respect fat bodies.

Emotional toll. The author details the emotional stress of medical visits, including the humiliation of being weighed, the dismissive attitudes of healthcare providers, and the constant focus on her weight regardless of the reason for her visit. This emotional toll often outweighs the potential benefits of seeking medical care, leading to avoidance of necessary health services.

6. Writing as a means of self-expression and healing

Writing this book is a confession. These are the ugliest, weakest, barest parts of me. This is my truth.

Finding a voice. Writing becomes a crucial outlet for Gay to express her experiences and emotions. Through writing, she finds a way to articulate the trauma, shame, and complex feelings about her body that she struggles to voice in other contexts.

Anonymity and visibility. Initially, writing provides a shield of anonymity, allowing Gay to share her thoughts without exposing her physical self. As her career progresses and she gains visibility, this dynamic shifts, forcing her to confront the intersection of her public and private selves.

Healing through storytelling. The act of writing, particularly about her traumatic experiences and struggles with body image, becomes a form of therapy for Gay. By sharing her story, she not only works through her own pain but also connects with others who have similar experiences, creating a sense of community and shared understanding.

7. The journey towards self-acceptance and reclaiming one's body

I am coming to terms with that. I am trying to feel less shame about that.

Gradual progress. Gay's journey towards self-acceptance is not linear or complete. She describes it as an ongoing process, with steps forward and backward. The author acknowledges the difficulty of overcoming years of internalized shame and societal judgment.

Reclaiming autonomy. Through various means, including getting tattoos and asserting her boundaries, Gay begins to reclaim ownership of her body. These acts of autonomy represent small but significant steps in viewing her body as her own, rather than a public spectacle or source of shame.

Embracing complexity. The author comes to recognize that self-acceptance doesn't mean erasing her struggles or pretending that living in a fat body is easy. Instead, she works towards embracing the complexity of her experiences and emotions, acknowledging both the difficulties and the strengths that come with her body.

8. Family dynamics and the pressure to conform to body ideals

My family's constant pressure to lose weight made me stubborn, even though the only person I was really hurting was myself.

Family concerns. Gay's family, particularly her parents, express constant concern about her weight. While well-intentioned, this pressure creates tension and reinforces feelings of inadequacy. The author describes feeling like a disappointment to her family, unable to meet their expectations for her body.

Cultural expectations. As a Haitian-American, Gay faces additional cultural pressures regarding body size and appearance. She describes the conflict between her family's cultural ideals and her own lived experience, adding another layer of complexity to her relationship with her body.

Rebellion and reconciliation. The constant pressure from her family initially leads Gay to rebel, refusing to lose weight as a form of defiance. Over time, she works towards reconciling her love for her family with her need for self-acceptance, a process that involves setting boundaries and asserting her own autonomy.

9. The impact of increased visibility on body image and self-worth

The more successful I get, the more I am reminded that in the minds of a great many people I will never be anything more than my body.

Public scrutiny. As Gay's career as a writer and public figure advances, she faces increased scrutiny of her body. She describes the discomfort of photo shoots, television appearances, and public events where her body becomes a subject of public discourse.

Online harassment. With increased visibility comes online harassment targeting her appearance. Gay recounts receiving cruel messages and comments about her weight, underscoring how success does not shield fat bodies from societal judgment and cruelty.

Resilience and advocacy. Despite the challenges of public visibility, Gay uses her platform to advocate for body acceptance and to challenge societal norms. She describes the tension between wanting to hide and recognizing the importance of being seen and heard as a successful woman in a fat body.

Last updated: November 20, 2024