I Don't Want to Die Poor

1. Student loan debt: A crushing burden on millennial dreams

"I have lived in fear ever since. The greatest fear—the one that has controlled so many of my decisions—is that one day I may fall too far behind on payments, so much so that I will default on my loans, destroy my financial well-being, and take my mother down with me."

The weight of debt. Student loan debt has become a crippling burden for many millennials, impacting every aspect of their lives. For the author, it meant owing almost $800 a month in private loans, with only twelve years to pay it off, plus additional federal loans. This financial burden has far-reaching consequences:

• Delayed life milestones (e.g., homeownership, marriage, starting a family)
• Limited career choices and entrepreneurial pursuits
• Constant anxiety and stress about making payments
• Strained relationships with family members who co-signed loans

A systemic issue. The author's experience is not unique but representative of a larger problem in American higher education. The system often pushes students, especially those from marginalized communities, to take on significant debt without fully understanding the long-term implications. This creates a cycle of financial insecurity that can last for decades.

2. The psychological toll of financial stress and insecurity

"Depression told me so anyway."

Mental health impact. The constant pressure of debt and financial insecurity takes a severe toll on mental health. The author describes experiencing:

• Anxiety and depression
• Feelings of failure and inadequacy
• Difficulty enjoying life's pleasures due to constant financial worry
• Suicidal thoughts

Coping mechanisms. To deal with the stress, the author turns to various coping mechanisms, some healthier than others:

• Self-medication through alcohol and marijuana use
• Seeking therapy and medication (when affordable)
• Writing and creative expression
• Relying on support from friends and family

The psychological impact of debt extends beyond the individual, affecting relationships, career choices, and overall quality of life. It creates a pervasive sense of instability that colors every aspect of one's existence.

3. Racial and socioeconomic disparities in education and debt

"I have developed a bit of a routine over the years. I've always been an early riser, but as I've gotten older (I've officially tipped into my mid-thirties, which is not technically old, but in gay years the age strongly suggests that I'm two Cardi B album releases away from needing a cane and a living will), I've started to wake up earlier than ever."

Systemic inequalities. The author's experience highlights the stark disparities in education and debt based on race and socioeconomic status:

• Limited access to well-funded schools and resources in predominantly Black neighborhoods
• Pressure to attend prestigious (and expensive) universities to overcome systemic barriers
• Higher likelihood of needing to take on debt to finance education
• Fewer family resources to fall back on for financial support

The myth of meritocracy. The author challenges the notion that hard work alone is enough to overcome these systemic barriers. He points out how privilege, connections, and generational wealth play a significant role in determining one's educational and financial outcomes.

The intersection of race, class, and education creates a complex web of challenges that disproportionately affect marginalized communities, perpetuating cycles of poverty and inequality.

4. The struggle for identity and self-acceptance as a gay Black man

"I try to remember that no matter what, I am a bad bitch, but every so often I can be worn down to the point where I momentarily conclude otherwise."

Coming out and self-discovery. The author's journey of self-acceptance as a gay Black man is fraught with challenges:

• Internalized homophobia and fear of rejection
• Navigating family expectations and religious beliefs
• Finding community and representation in predominantly white LGBTQ+ spaces
• Dealing with intersectional discrimination (racism within the gay community, homophobia within the Black community)

Embracing authenticity. Despite these struggles, the author ultimately finds strength in embracing his identity:

• Using writing and humor as tools for self-expression and empowerment
• Finding chosen family and supportive communities
• Challenging societal norms and expectations
• Advocating for greater visibility and representation of queer Black voices

The author's experience highlights the complexity of intersectional identities and the importance of creating spaces where all aspects of oneself can be fully expressed and celebrated.

5. Navigating family expectations and generational trauma

"I worry that ultimately, this experience has been just another way of me disappointing you."

Family dynamics. The author's relationship with his family, particularly his mother, is a central theme:

• Guilt over not meeting parental expectations
• Struggle to balance personal dreams with family obligations
• Impact of generational trauma and cycles of abuse
• Desire for parental approval and acceptance

Breaking cycles. While acknowledging the deep love and sacrifices of his parents, the author also grapples with:

• Overcoming patterns of dysfunction and abuse
• Finding ways to honor family while pursuing individual goals
• Reconciling cultural and generational differences
• Seeking healing and growth for himself and his family

The author's journey illustrates the complex interplay between individual aspirations and family legacy, highlighting the challenges of breaking generational cycles while maintaining connections to one's roots.

6. The impact of debt on personal relationships and life choices

"I like that Instagram is less text-heavy. There is plenty of text to be found across Instagram to be sure, but if I see someone post one of those faux inspirational word memes that sound like Dr. Seuss with dementia, I quietly judge that person, select mute this user, and scroll right on by."

Limited options. The author's financial situation significantly impacts his personal life:

• Difficulty forming and maintaining romantic relationships
• Feeling inadequate or unworthy due to financial struggles
• Hesitation to commit or plan for the future
• Comparing oneself unfavorably to peers on social media

Prioritizing survival. The constant pressure of debt forces the author to:

• Focus on immediate financial needs over long-term goals
• Make career choices based on income potential rather than passion
• Delay or forego traditional life milestones (marriage, homeownership, etc.)
• Limit social activities and self-care due to financial constraints

The pervasive influence of debt on personal relationships underscores how financial insecurity can ripple through every aspect of one's life, affecting not just material well-being but also emotional and social connections.

7. Critiquing the American Dream and systemic inequalities

"I bet my mom wished I had pursued something more stable, as he had. 'You were different,' he said in response. 'You were braver.'"

Challenging narratives. The author critically examines the myth of the American Dream:

• Exposing the fallacy of meritocracy in a system rigged by privilege
• Highlighting how race, class, and other factors limit opportunities
• Questioning the value of higher education in a debt-driven system
• Critiquing "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentalities

Systemic barriers. The author identifies various structural impediments to success:

• Predatory lending practices in education
• Racial discrimination in employment and housing
• Lack of generational wealth in marginalized communities
• Inadequate social safety nets and support systems

By sharing his personal story, the author illuminates broader societal issues, challenging readers to reconsider popular narratives about success, hard work, and opportunity in America.

8. Finding resilience and hope amidst financial hardship

"I am proud of the work I have done, even if I have never explicitly said it to you. It is work that has been undervalued, and while money may not be everything, we live in a capitalist society."

Sources of strength. Despite ongoing struggles, the author finds ways to persevere:

• Drawing on humor and creativity as coping mechanisms
• Finding purpose and validation through writing and storytelling
• Building supportive communities and chosen families
• Advocating for systemic change and social justice

Looking forward. While acknowledging the challenges, the author maintains hope for the future:

• Continuing to pursue personal and professional goals
• Seeking ways to make a positive impact through his work
• Working towards financial stability and independence
• Imagining a more equitable and just society for future generations

The author's resilience in the face of overwhelming odds serves as a testament to the human spirit and the power of perseverance. His story offers both a critique of systemic inequalities and a hopeful vision for change, inspiring readers to confront their own challenges and work towards a more just world.

Last updated: November 18, 2024