I Can't Date Jesus

1. Embracing identity: A journey from self-doubt to self-acceptance

"I know where I'm going and I know the truth, and I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."

Self-discovery is a process. Michael Arceneaux's journey from a conflicted Catholic upbringing to embracing his identity as a gay Black man is marked by moments of fear, confusion, and ultimately, self-acceptance. Growing up in Houston, Texas, Arceneaux grappled with his sexuality from a young age, often feeling isolated and misunderstood.

Overcoming internalized homophobia. The author's experiences with homophobia, both external and internalized, shaped his early perceptions of himself and his place in the world. Through introspection and exposure to diverse perspectives, Arceneaux learned to challenge societal norms and religious dogma that had previously constrained his self-expression.

Embracing authenticity. As Arceneaux became more comfortable with his identity, he found strength in being true to himself. This authenticity not only improved his personal relationships but also informed his writing and career choices, allowing him to become a voice for others struggling with similar issues.

2. The power of pop culture in shaping LGBTQ+ perspectives

"For many who lack access financially, emotionally, physically, or some combination of the three, pop culture is how we get to access perspectives from outside our bubbles."

Pop culture as education. Arceneaux's experiences highlight how music, television, and celebrities can serve as crucial sources of information and representation for LGBTQ+ individuals, especially those growing up in conservative environments. Artists like Janet Jackson, Madonna, and Beyoncé provided not only entertainment but also glimpses into a more accepting world.

Representation matters. The author's deep connection to Beyoncé, in particular, demonstrates the profound impact that seeing oneself reflected in popular media can have on self-esteem and identity formation. Arceneaux found solace and inspiration in Beyoncé's unapologetic embrace of her roots and her ability to remain true to herself while achieving mainstream success.

Critical consumption. While celebrating the positive influences of pop culture, Arceneaux also learns to critically examine media representations, recognizing both progress and persistent stereotypes in the portrayal of LGBTQ+ individuals and people of color.

3. Navigating family relationships while coming out

"As much as I love my family, my hometown of Houston, and the friends I still have there, it can be hard for me to go home."

Complex family dynamics. Coming out to family members, especially parents, is often a challenging and emotionally charged experience. Arceneaux's relationship with his mother, in particular, illustrates the tension between love and religious beliefs that many LGBTQ+ individuals face when revealing their sexuality to family.

Evolving relationships. The author's experiences show how relationships with family members can change over time after coming out. While some relationships may become strained, others may strengthen as family members come to terms with and accept their loved one's identity.

Creating chosen family. As Arceneaux navigates the complexities of his biological family relationships, he also highlights the importance of building a support network of friends and allies who accept and celebrate his identity fully.

4. Confronting religious beliefs and homosexuality

"I can't date Jesus."

Religious conflict. Arceneaux's Catholic upbringing and his mother's devout faith create significant internal and external conflicts as he comes to terms with his sexuality. The author grapples with reconciling his spiritual beliefs with his identity as a gay man.

Challenging dogma. Through research and introspection, Arceneaux begins to question and challenge religious teachings that condemn homosexuality. He explores alternative interpretations of scripture and examines the historical context of religious attitudes towards LGBTQ+ individuals.

Finding personal faith. Ultimately, Arceneaux develops a more individualized approach to spirituality that allows him to maintain a connection to his faith while fully embracing his identity. This journey demonstrates the possibility of finding a middle ground between religious upbringing and LGBTQ+ identity.

5. The challenges of dating and intimacy for gay Black men

"I treat every man—Black, white, Latino, Asian, Middle Eastern, indigenous, or whatever the lovely melting pot of bae miscegenation created—who doesn't want me the same way: fuck him, I'm cute."

Navigating racial dynamics. Arceneaux's experiences in the dating world highlight the complexities of racial preferences and discrimination within the LGBTQ+ community. He confronts issues of fetishization, stereotypes, and the impact of internalized racism on dating prospects.

Overcoming intimacy fears. The author's journey involves working through fears of intimacy and vulnerability rooted in childhood experiences and societal expectations. Arceneaux learns to balance his desire for connection with self-protection.

Self-worth and rejection. Through various dating experiences, both positive and negative, Arceneaux develops a stronger sense of self-worth and learns to handle rejection with grace and humor.

6. Overcoming trauma and breaking cycles of abuse

"I wanted to be better than my father. I didn't want to repeat the cycle."

Childhood trauma. Arceneaux's upbringing in a household marked by his father's alcoholism and abusive behavior profoundly impacts his emotional development and relationships. He grapples with anger, fear, and the desire to break free from destructive patterns.

Healing and growth. Through therapy, self-reflection, and conscious effort, the author works to process his childhood trauma and develop healthier coping mechanisms. This journey involves confronting painful memories and learning to forgive both himself and his father.

Breaking the cycle. Arceneaux's determination to not repeat his father's mistakes drives him to critically examine his own behavior in relationships and make conscious choices to foster healthier connections.

7. Finding strength in vulnerability and authenticity

"But in the long run, no matter what I do for the rest of my life, I'll know I did something wonderful by saying what I felt."

Embracing vulnerability. Arceneaux's journey involves learning to open up about his experiences, fears, and desires. Through his writing and personal relationships, he discovers the power of being honest and vulnerable.

Authenticity as strength. The author's commitment to being true to himself, even in the face of societal and familial pressure, becomes a source of personal strength and professional success. His authentic voice resonates with readers and helps create a sense of community.

Empowering others. By sharing his story openly and honestly, Arceneaux not only finds personal healing but also provides support and inspiration for others facing similar struggles with identity, family, and self-acceptance.

8. The intersection of race, sexuality, and media representation

"I don't care about white people like that."

Navigating multiple identities. As a gay Black man, Arceneaux confronts the challenges of existing at the intersection of multiple marginalized identities. He explores how race and sexuality interact in both personal and professional contexts.

Media representation. The author's experiences in the media industry highlight the ongoing need for diverse and authentic representation of LGBTQ+ people of color. He critiques stereotypical portrayals and advocates for more nuanced and varied depictions of queer experiences.

Creating space. Through his writing and public presence, Arceneaux works to create space for voices like his own in mainstream media. He challenges both the whiteness of LGBTQ+ representation and the heteronormativity of Black media.

Last updated: January 24, 2025