I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet

1. Embrace the Beginner's Mindset: "I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet"

"I guess I haven't learned that yet."

Embracing uncertainty. Moving to New York City in midlife forced Shauna Niequist and her family to adopt a beginner's mindset. They faced countless new experiences, from navigating the subway to adjusting to smaller living spaces. Instead of feeling ashamed or frustrated by not knowing, they learned to approach each challenge with curiosity and openness.

Growth through discomfort. This mindset shift allowed them to:

• Learn new skills without judgment
• Ask for help without embarrassment
• Find joy in the process of discovery
• Build resilience in the face of change

By embracing the phrase "I guess I haven't learned that yet," we give ourselves permission to be imperfect learners throughout life, fostering growth and adaptability in any situation.

2. Practice Self-Compassion and Curiosity in the Face of Change

"Self-compassion is letting yourself off the hook, letting yourself be human and flawed and also amazing."

Kindness towards oneself. Niequist emphasizes the importance of treating ourselves with the same care and understanding we'd offer a loved one. This practice becomes crucial during times of significant life changes, loss, or uncertainty.

Self-compassion involves:

• Acknowledging difficulties without harsh self-judgment
• Recognizing shared human experiences in our struggles
• Offering ourselves comfort and support

Curiosity as a tool. Pairing self-compassion with curiosity allows us to approach challenges as opportunities for growth rather than threats. This mindset helps us:

• Ask questions instead of making assumptions
• Explore new possibilities with an open mind
• Find creative solutions to problems

By cultivating self-compassion and curiosity, we create a foundation for resilience and personal growth, even in the face of life's most challenging moments.

3. Confront Unfeelable Feelings and Unthinkable Thoughts

"What is it that you don't want to hear? What is it that you don't want to feel inside your heart?"

Emotional honesty. Niequist describes the process of learning to confront difficult emotions and thoughts she had long avoided. This practice of emotional honesty became crucial for her healing and growth.

Key aspects of this process include:

• Acknowledging suppressed feelings and thoughts
• Creating space to experience emotions fully
• Recognizing how avoidance impacts physical and mental health

Physical manifestations. The author connects her chronic physical pain to unprocessed emotions, highlighting the mind-body connection. By confronting these "unfeelable feelings and unthinkable thoughts," she began to experience relief both emotionally and physically.

This practice requires courage and often support from therapists or trusted friends. However, facing our deepest fears and pain can lead to profound healing and a more authentic life.

4. Navigate the Process of Unbelonging and Rebuilding Identity

"I'm learning to make myself a home in the wilderness, in the unbelonging itself."

Identity shift. Niequist describes the painful process of untethering from the people, places, and ideas that had long defined her identity. This "unbelonging" was both terrifying and ultimately liberating.

Stages of unbelonging:

1. Recognizing the need for change
2. Grieving the loss of familiar identities
3. Exploring new ways of being
4. Building a sense of self separate from external factors

Rediscovering self. Through this process, the author found a deeper connection to her authentic self. She learned to belong to herself first, rather than deriving her identity solely from relationships, roles, or institutions.

This journey of unbelonging and rebuilding can be profoundly uncomfortable, but it often leads to greater self-awareness, resilience, and a more genuine way of living in the world.

5. Find Healing Through Writing and Creating Safe Spaces

"Writing helps me, heals me, provides a place for all my thoughts and feelings and words, a place for all the wild birds in my head and my heart to fly around outside of me instead of inside of me, because that's a hard way to live—with wild birds circling around your insides."

Writing as therapy. Niequist found profound healing through the act of writing, especially during her most challenging times. This practice allowed her to:

• Process complex emotions
• Make sense of difficult experiences
• Create meaning from chaos
• Externalize internal struggles

Safe spaces. In addition to writing, the author emphasizes the importance of creating physical and emotional safe spaces for healing. This might involve:

• A dedicated writing desk or corner
• Time set aside for reflection and creativity
• Trusted relationships where vulnerability is welcomed
• Rituals that provide comfort and grounding

By actively engaging in creative practices and cultivating safe spaces, we can facilitate our own healing process and find new ways to understand and express our experiences.

6. Cultivate Resilience and Keep Moving Forward Despite Setbacks

"Keep Going."

Persistence in adversity. Niequist emphasizes the importance of continuing to move forward, even when faced with significant challenges, setbacks, or disappointments. This resilience is built through:

• Small, daily actions
• Embracing imperfection
• Learning from failures
• Celebrating small victories

Long-term perspective. The author encourages readers to focus on the "long game" rather than quick fixes or overnight successes. This involves:

• Recognizing that growth takes time
• Valuing progress over perfection
• Maintaining hope even in dark times
• Building a legacy of love and perseverance

By cultivating resilience and committing to "keep going," we develop the strength to weather life's storms and continue growing, even when the path forward seems unclear or difficult.

7. Rediscover Faith and Spirituality on Your Own Terms

"There are a million ways to be a Christian. There are a million ways to live your faith."

Evolving beliefs. Niequist describes her journey of reexamining and rebuilding her faith after experiencing disillusionment with religious institutions. This process involved:

• Questioning long-held beliefs
• Exploring different spiritual practices
• Finding new ways to connect with God
• Embracing doubt as part of faith

Personal spirituality. The author encourages readers to develop a faith that is authentic to their own experiences and values, rather than conforming to external expectations. This might include:

• Focusing on the core teachings of love and compassion
• Incorporating contemplative practices
• Finding community that supports growth and questioning
• Balancing tradition with personal revelation

By allowing our faith to evolve and adapting our spiritual practices to our changing needs, we can maintain a meaningful connection to the divine while being true to our authentic selves.

8. Embrace Hospitality and Connection in New Ways

"Hospitality is holding space for another person to be seen and heard and loved."

Redefining hospitality. Niequist explores how the concept of hospitality can adapt to changing circumstances, such as living in a small apartment or during a pandemic. Key aspects include:

• Focusing on creating meaningful connections
• Valuing simplicity over perfection
• Finding creative ways to gather and share
• Extending warmth and welcome in any setting

The power of gathering. The author emphasizes the healing and nourishing aspects of coming together, even in unconventional ways. Examples include:

• Picnics in public spaces
• Virtual gatherings
• Sharing simple meals or snacks
• Creating rituals of connection

By embracing a flexible and creative approach to hospitality, we can foster deep connections and create spaces of belonging, regardless of our circumstances or resources.

9. Let Go of What No Longer Serves You and Live Lightly

"I'm letting go of lots of little-kid stuff I'd been holding on to—the action figures and Harry Potter wands, the puzzles without all the pieces, the Cubs jerseys that the boys have outgrown and the little suits that are too short."

Physical and emotional decluttering. Niequist describes the process of letting go of physical possessions, as well as outdated beliefs, expectations, and identities. This practice of "living lightly" involves:

• Assessing what truly adds value to your life
• Releasing attachments to the past
• Making space for new experiences and growth
• Focusing on what's essential

Embracing change. The author connects this process of letting go to a larger embrace of life's changes and transitions. By living more lightly, we become:

• More adaptable to new circumstances
• Less burdened by the weight of the past
• Open to unexpected opportunities and joys
• More present in our current reality

Learning to let go—of possessions, expectations, and old versions of ourselves—creates space for growth, healing, and a more authentic way of being in the world.

Last updated: August 8, 2024