I Want This to Work

1. Interdependence: The Foundation of a Healthy Relationship

I define modern love as the act of honoring BOTH people in a relationship. It is not love if you do not honor the self, and it is not love if you do not honor the other.

Balance is key. Interdependence in relationships means maintaining a strong sense of self while also being deeply connected to your partner. It's about finding the sweet spot between complete independence and codependence. In an interdependent relationship, both partners:

• Support each other's individual growth and goals
• Maintain their own identities and interests
• Share decision-making and influence
• Respect each other's boundaries
• Communicate openly and honestly

This balance allows for a healthy, fulfilling partnership where both individuals can thrive while building a strong connection together.

2. Overcoming Childhood Attachment Patterns

We inherit our relationship skills.

Childhood shapes us. Our early experiences with caregivers form our attachment styles, which can significantly impact our adult relationships. Common attachment styles include:

• Secure: Comfortable with intimacy and independence
• Anxious: Fear of abandonment, seeks constant reassurance
• Avoidant: Uncomfortable with closeness, values independence
• Disorganized: Conflicting desires for closeness and distance

Understanding your attachment style and its origins can help you:

• Recognize unhealthy patterns in your relationships
• Develop more secure attachment behaviors
• Communicate your needs more effectively
• Have compassion for yourself and your partner

By addressing these deep-rooted patterns, you can create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

3. Effective Communication: The Goldilocks Approach

Being a just-right communicator begins with the belief that you are responsible for the integrity of your own communication, that you must include your own needs and feelings, and that you should consider how you can still be respectful to the other person when expressing yourself.

Find the middle ground. The Goldilocks approach to communication involves avoiding extremes and finding a balance that's "just right." This means:

Too soft:

• Avoiding conflict at all costs
• Neglecting your own needs
• Always deferring to your partner

Too hard:

• Being aggressive or confrontational
• Dismissing your partner's feelings
• Insisting on getting your way

Just right:

• Expressing your needs and feelings clearly and respectfully
• Listening actively to your partner
• Seeking mutually beneficial solutions

By adopting this balanced approach, you can create a communication style that fosters understanding, respect, and connection in your relationship.

4. Navigating Conflict: The HARD Conversation Model

When couples get caught in challenging disagreements they can't seem to move out of, one of the first things to go is awareness of the other.

Handle conflict skillfully. The HARD conversation model provides a framework for addressing difficult topics:

H - Halt: Recognize when you or your partner are becoming overwhelmed and take a break.
A - Attend: Focus on self-soothing and reassuring your partner.
R - Repair: Use strategies like humor, affection, or apologies to reconnect.
D - Debrief: Discuss what happened and plan for future conflicts.

Key points:

• Learn to recognize signs of physiological flooding in yourself and your partner
• Develop personalized strategies for calming down during conflicts
• Practice repair attempts to maintain connection even during disagreements
• Regularly review and improve your conflict management strategies as a couple

By following this model, you can transform potentially destructive conflicts into opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.

5. Building Trust Through Respect, Responsiveness, and Reliability

Relationships thrive on responsiveness, and they die on dismissiveness.

The three Rs matter. Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, and it's built through consistent demonstration of:

Respect:

• Valuing your partner's thoughts, feelings, and boundaries
• Treating them with kindness and consideration

Responsiveness:

• Actively listening to your partner
• Showing empathy and understanding
• Addressing their needs and concerns

Reliability:

• Following through on commitments
• Being consistent in your words and actions
• Creating a sense of safety and predictability

By consistently practicing these three Rs, you create a secure environment where both partners feel valued, understood, and supported.

6. Healing Past Hurts: The CAP Conversation Method

The reality is, if it has come up a thousand times, it is because it was never fully healed to begin with.

Address unresolved issues. The CAP (Clarity, Apology, Plan) method provides a structured approach to healing past hurts:

Clarity:

• Share your perspective on what happened
• Listen to your partner's perspective without judgment
• Seek to understand the impact on both of you

Apology:

• Take responsibility for your actions
• Express genuine remorse
• Reflect on what led to the hurtful behavior
• Offer to make amends

Plan:

• Discuss how to prevent similar issues in the future
• Create specific, actionable steps for improvement
• Agree on how to handle similar situations going forward

By following this method, couples can address lingering resentments and create a stronger foundation for their relationship.

7. Cultivating Intimacy and Shared Meaning

Ultimately, the goal is to create powerful intimacy between you and your partner and also to recognize that you won't be the only one they share intimacy with.

Deepen your connection. Cultivating intimacy and shared meaning involves:

Types of intimacy:

• Experiential: Shared activities and new experiences
• Intellectual: Engaging in meaningful discussions
• Spiritual: Connecting through beliefs or values
• Physical: Non-sexual touch and affection
• Sexual: Mutually satisfying sexual experiences
• Emotional: Sharing feelings and vulnerabilities

Creating shared meaning:

• Develop rituals and traditions
• Support each other's goals and dreams
• Find a shared sense of purpose
• Create a shared narrative of your relationship

By actively working to deepen these aspects of your relationship, you can create a strong, lasting bond that brings fulfillment and meaning to both partners' lives.

Last updated: January 25, 2025