Wired for Love

1. Create a "couple bubble" for safety and security

The couple bubble is an agreement to put the relationship before anything and everything else.

Mutual protection. The couple bubble is a shared commitment to prioritize the relationship above all else. It involves putting your partner's well-being, self-esteem, and distress relief first, while expecting the same in return. This creates a safe haven where both partners can be vulnerable and authentic.

Relationship-first mindset. Partners in a couple bubble:

• Make decisions based on what's best for the relationship
• Protect each other from outside threats
• Quickly repair any breaches in trust or connection
• Communicate openly and honestly about all aspects of their lives

By consistently reinforcing the couple bubble, partners create a strong foundation of safety and security that allows their relationship to thrive.

2. Balance your primitive and ambassador brain functions

Our biological heritage doesn't automatically guarantee a couple bubble for all. But it does provide mechanisms to deal with threats to our survival.

Dual brain systems. Our brains have two main components that influence relationships:

1. Primitives: Fast-acting, survival-oriented parts focused on threat detection
2. Ambassadors: Slower, more evolved parts responsible for social connection and empathy

Cultivating balance. To maintain a healthy relationship:

• Recognize when your primitives are activated by perceived threats
• Engage your ambassadors to calm your nervous system and respond thoughtfully
• Practice techniques like deep breathing and positive self-talk to regulate emotions
• Develop awareness of your partner's emotional state and respond with empathy

By learning to balance these brain functions, couples can avoid unnecessary conflicts and maintain a more harmonious connection.

3. Understand your partner's attachment style

Without the help of their partner, islands are unlikely to understand who they are, recognize their deep-seated existential loneliness, or ultimately overcome their anxiety about intimate relationship.

Attachment patterns. People generally fall into one of three attachment styles:

1. Anchors: Securely attached, comfortable with intimacy and independence
2. Islands: Insecurely avoidant, value self-reliance and struggle with closeness
3. Waves: Insecurely ambivalent, crave intimacy but fear abandonment

Tailored approach. Understanding your partner's attachment style allows you to:

• Anticipate their needs and reactions in various situations
• Provide appropriate support and reassurance
• Work together to create a more secure bond over time

By recognizing these patterns, couples can develop strategies to meet each other's needs and foster a stronger, more stable relationship.

4. Become an expert on pleasing and soothing your partner

As experts who understand their partner, they do what's necessary to relieve the other's distress or to amplify his or her elation.

Know your partner's triggers. Identify the 3-4 main things that:

• Make your partner feel bad (e.g., feeling criticized, ignored, or controlled)
• Make your partner feel good (e.g., feeling appreciated, understood, or desired)

Tailored responses. Develop a repertoire of actions and words to:

• Quickly soothe your partner when they're upset
• Amplify positive emotions and experiences
• Show that you truly understand and care about their well-being

By becoming experts on each other, partners can create a relationship filled with mutual understanding, support, and joy.

5. Establish rituals for connection during transitions

Partners with busy lives should create and use bedtime and morning rituals, as well as reunion rituals, to stay connected.

Daily touchpoints. Create rituals for key transitions:

• Morning: Start the day with affection and positive intentions
• Separations: Say meaningful goodbyes and express care
• Reunions: Greet each other warmly and reconnect before other activities
• Bedtime: End the day with closeness and gratitude

Consistency is key. Regular rituals:

• Strengthen your emotional bond
• Provide stability and predictability
• Ensure you make time for connection amid busy lives

By prioritizing these moments of connection, couples can maintain intimacy and support even during hectic periods.

6. Be each other's primary go-to person

I submit to you that the most powerful sustenance available to us is another person who's interested and who cares.

Mutual reliance. Commit to being each other's primary source of:

• Emotional support
• Practical help
• Celebration and joy
• Comfort during distress

24/7 availability. Agree to be accessible to each other at all times:

• Respond promptly to calls or messages
• Prioritize your partner's needs in emergencies
• Share important news with each other first

By consistently turning to each other, partners reinforce their bond and create a powerful sense of security in the relationship.

7. Protect your relationship from outside influences

Because both your and your partner's safety and security—your very survival—depend on mutual conservatorship, you can view fidelity as synonymous with couple bubble.

Managing "thirds." Be mindful of potential threats to your relationship:

• Family members and in-laws
• Children
• Work commitments
• Addictions or compulsive behaviors
• Emotional or physical affairs

United front. Work together to:

• Set clear boundaries with others
• Prioritize your relationship when making decisions
• Support each other in social situations
• Address potential issues before they become problems

By protecting your couple bubble from outside influences, you maintain a strong and secure connection.

8. Learn to fight fairly and effectively

Couples who fight smart seek an outcome that allows both partners to be winners.

Productive conflict. Aim for "smart fighting" by:

• Staying in the "play zone" with a spirit of collaboration
• Using nonverbal cues to maintain connection (eye contact, touch)
• Taking breaks when emotions run high
• Focusing on the issue at hand, not past grievances
• Seeking win-win solutions that satisfy both partners' needs

Repair and reconnect. After conflicts:

• Acknowledge each other's feelings
• Apologize sincerely for any hurtful actions
• Reaffirm your commitment to the relationship
• Learn from the experience to prevent future issues

By approaching conflicts as a team, couples can strengthen their bond and grow together.

9. Rekindle love through close eye contact and proximity

Lust is at a distance, but love is up close.

Physical closeness. Cultivate intimacy through:

• Regular eye contact, especially during conversations
• Physical touch throughout the day (hugs, hand-holding, etc.)
• Face-to-face interactions without distractions

Emotional presence. Foster connection by:

• Actively listening and showing genuine interest
• Expressing vulnerability and sharing feelings
• Celebrating each other's successes and joys

By prioritizing close, intimate interactions, couples can maintain the spark of love and deepen their emotional bond over time.

Last updated: September 1, 2024