It's On Me

1. Self-Loss: The Root of Human Suffering

Self-loss is our failed responsibility to BE our Self.

Estrangement from True Self. Self-loss is the feeling of being disconnected from who you truly are, leading to inauthenticity and inconsistency in actions, feelings, and decisions. This disconnect manifests as detachment from feelings, body, thoughts, beliefs, relationships, meaning, freedom, and values. It's not merely a fleeting feeling, but a pervasive state that colors every aspect of life.

Consequences of Self-Loss. The consequences of self-loss are far-reaching, impacting communication, boundary setting, relationships, decision-making, self-love, and the ability to find meaning and purpose. Individuals experiencing self-loss often self-sabotage, struggle to identify their needs, prioritize others, remain in unhealthy relationships, and feel unhappy. It's a silent suffering that restricts the ability to truly exist.

Reclaiming Authenticity. Overcoming self-loss involves taking responsibility for one's life, recognizing when you are being the problem, and making intentional adjustments to create space for the version of yourself you want to be. This journey requires acknowledging the cage of expectations, facing past traumas, and embracing the ongoing task of being your Self. It's about choosing who you are at every moment and saying yes to what gives you meaning.

2. The Self: A Dynamic Creation, Not a Static Discovery

The self is a relation that relates to itself.

Existential View of Self. The Self is not a pre-determined essence to be discovered, but a dynamic creation shaped by choices, actions, and experiences. It's a continuous process of self-expression, where actions inform our understanding of who we are. This perspective emphasizes agency, choices, and action, highlighting the importance of living authentically.

Freedom and Responsibility. The task of creating the Self is accompanied by the "absurdity of freedom," demanding constant choices and responsibility. Avoiding this responsibility leads to surrendering freedom to external structures, resulting in self-deception and inauthenticity. Embracing freedom means taking ownership of decisions and actions, even in the face of constraints.

Authenticity as a Task. Authenticity is not a destination, but a continuous process of owning what we do and who we are at every unique intersection of existence. It involves finding peace and inner resonance, saying yes to who we are in the present moment, and living in alignment with our values and beliefs. The Self is like a painting, constantly evolving with every stroke, never returning to what it once was.

3. Meaning: A Personal Response to Life's Questions

If you have your why for life, you can get by with almost any how.

Meaning as Motivation. Meaning is the reason we choose to live, while morality dictates the way we choose to live. It's the direction toward which we point our existence. Finding meaning is not about discovering a pre-existing answer, but about creating it through our actions and engagement with the world.

Limited Time and Meaning. Our limited time on earth makes the search for meaning urgent. Meaningful actions are what occur when we participate in life with a full awareness of its finiteness. An infinite amount of time can cause complacency and meaninglessness.

Creating Meaning. Instead of asking, "What meaning can life offer me?" reframe the question as "What is life asking of me?" Meaning is an act of devotion in response to life's questions—an ongoing process to understand the world and take responsibility for the way we choose to be in it. It's how we choose to take care of our Selves, others, our society, and our planet.

4. Causes of Self-Loss: Events, Modeling, and Betrayal

The facts are, and my life experiences are, that I am a victim.

Life-Altering Events. Certain events can disrupt our sense of Self, leading to self-loss. These events can cause us to self-identify with pain, struggle to reconcile our past and present selves, or experience mental health struggles. Examples include trauma, relationship setbacks, medical diagnoses, and becoming a parent.

Modeled Behavior and Family Rules. Our understanding of who we are is shaped by the rules and behaviors we grew up with. Growing up in systems that allow little space for self-expression can lead to self-loss. It's important to question these rules and break cycles that hinder authenticity.

Self-Betrayal in Relationships. Self-betrayal occurs when we deny parts of ourselves for the sake of another person, job, or relationship. It's when we shift our loyalty from our Self to something external. This can lead to unhealthy relationships and a loss of self-understanding.

5. Society's Role: Expectations and the "They"

The world will ask you who you are, and if you don’t know, the world will tell you.

The "They" of Society. Society often tries to relieve us of the burden of making choices, leading us to be lost in the "they" of society. We are shaped by societal expectations and demands, surrendering agency and falling into inauthenticity. It's important to recognize the difference between "I" and "they" and become active participants in creating who we are.

Prerequisites to Having a Sense of Self. To embody our authentic Self, we need attention, appreciation, and justice. Society may offer these things in a way that reinforces who it wants us to be, rather than who we are. It's important to find a clear mirror within society—people who are willing to get to know us and reflect back accurately.

Drawbacks of Authenticity. Choosing to be our Self can be met with resistance, isolation, and grief. It's normal for people to push back against anything unfamiliar or threatening. It's also important to acknowledge the isolation that can come with being on a different path than those around us.

6. Boundaries: The Outline of Your Authentic Self

What gets lost when I do things that are not me? I get lost.

Boundaries as Self-Expression. Boundaries are not just about protecting ourselves; they are an outline of who we are. They define us and communicate with others in a way that helps them see and understand us. Poor boundaries are often an indication of a weak sense of Self.

Setting Boundaries. Setting boundaries requires self-awareness, honesty, and a sense of safety. It's about discerning which relationships align with how we feel, what we need, and who we are. It's also about being willing to enforce those boundaries, even in the face of resistance.

Reflexive Boundaries. When our boundaries are violated, we often respond with reflexive boundaries—coping reactions that aim to protect us from harm. These reactions can include distancing, overactivity, aggression, and freezing. It's important to become aware of these reactions and replace them with intentional boundaries.

7. Reconnecting with Your Body: Embodiment and Awareness

The body is our general medium for having a world.

The Body as a Source of Self. Our sense of personal agency, cohesion, and continuity in time is based on embodiment. The body is not just a tool, but an integral part of who we are. It's through our bodies that we experience the world and know our Self.

Body-Subject and Body-Object. As human beings, we are both the subject and object of our experience. We experience our Self as the subject, but we are also an object in other people's subjective experience. It's important to hold both realities in mind.

Reconnecting with the Body. Reconnecting with our body involves monitoring self-talk, being curious, fulfilling its needs, moving and interacting with it, scanning for tension, and breathing dynamically. It's about building a relationship with our body and treating it with respect.

8. Emotions: Messengers of Your Inner World

For the secret of men’s being is not only to live but to have something to live for.

Emotions as Inner Movement. Emotions are not just subjective feelings, but the pulse of our existence. They are the experience of being moved and the inner movement of our Being. Emotions are always rooted in a reason, communicating the things we individually and intrinsically value.

Observing Emotions. Observing our emotions is the first step toward understanding them. Instead of evaluating emotions, we should see them as messengers of our inner world. It's important to acknowledge that feelings are not facts, but represent our subjective reality.

Expressing Emotions. Expressing emotions is about taking ownership of our feelings and deciding how to express them. It's not about suppressing or denying emotions, but about finding healthy and appropriate outlets for them. It's also about being willing to turn toward our emotions and explore what they are trying to tell us.

9. The Art of Being Your Self: A Lifelong Journey

I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books.

Embrace the Journey. The journey of self-discovery and authenticity is a lifelong process, not a destination. It requires constant effort, self-reflection, and a willingness to embrace change. It's about consistently choosing who you are and saying yes to what gives you meaning.

Take Responsibility. Taking responsibility for your life means recognizing when you are being the problem and making intentional adjustments to create space for the version of yourself you want to be. It's about acknowledging the cage of expectations, facing past traumas, and embracing the ongoing task of being your Self.

Be True to Yourself. The art of being your Self is about living an authentic, free, and meaningful life. It's about truly experiencing every aspect of being alive, fully participating, and feeling all of it—the excruciating and elevating moments alike. It's about making mistakes and emerging with lessons, and fully embodying who you are.

Last updated: February 12, 2025