Let it Go

1. Forgiveness: A Big Idea for Personal and Societal Growth

Unforgiveness denies the victim the possibility of parole and leaves them stuck in the prison of what was, incarcerating them in their trauma and relinquishing the chance to escape beyond the pain.

Forgiveness as a catalyst. Forgiveness isn't just a personal virtue; it's a powerful force that can transform individuals, communities, and even nations. It requires a shift from small-minded revenge to a larger vision of healing and progress. Nelson Mandela's approach to post-apartheid South Africa exemplifies this, choosing forgiveness over retribution to build a functional, inclusive government.

Beyond the personal. The concept of forgiveness extends beyond individual relationships. It's crucial in leadership, business, and even personal health. Holding onto anger and resentment can neutralize growth potential and trap individuals in a cycle of negativity.

Eagles vs. Chickens. The author contrasts "eagles," who think big and soar above problems, with "chickens," who peck at the ground and remain vulnerable to giants. Forgiveness is an eagle's perspective, allowing one to rise above the pettiness of the past and embrace the potential of the future.

2. Offenses Are Inevitable; Managing Them Is a Choice

No matter how you acquiesce to others and try to be subservient and kind, eventually you will have to stand for something, and when you do, someone is going to be offended.

Expectations vs. Reality. Life is full of disappointments and offenses, regardless of one's efforts to avoid them. The key lies in how we manage these inevitable conflicts. Wise individuals plan for resolution in advance, understanding that offenses are a part of every relationship.

The Unarmed and Dangerous. Many people are ill-equipped to handle disappointment and conflict, leading to bitterness and resentment. This is often due to unrealistic expectations fueled by idealized portrayals in media and a lack of training in conflict resolution.

Planning for the Inevitable. Wise people plan in advance the terms of resolution while hoping they will never need to use them. Some contracts include an arbitration clause to set up rules when business has gone awry and someone is offended. In marriage many couples participate in premarital counseling in order to anticipate where they will experience conflicts and how they will resolve them.

3. Uncover the Roots: Understanding Your Default Settings

If you are like me, I inevitably hit the wrong key at times, sending my computer screen into a frenzy of palpitating pixels before the dreaded “error message” pops up.

Default Reactions. We all have default settings, ingrained reactions to offenses based on our upbringing and experiences. These reactions can range from flying off the handle to silently seething. Understanding these default settings is the first step to taking control of the forgiveness process.

Learned Behavior. Unforgiveness is not innate; it's a learned behavior. We learn it from our families, communities, and peers. By examining our family's approach to conflict resolution, we can gain insight into our own tendencies.

The Yellow-Brick-Road Complex. Operating from a position of victimization leads to a "yellow-brick-road complex," where every new encounter is viewed with suspicion and fear. This can sabotage success and prevent genuine connection.

4. Silence Isn't Always Golden: The Importance of Open Communication

If we don’t learn to communicate honestly and transparently, the silent frustration of our unmet expectations will poison us with their toxicity and no one else knows.

The Danger of Unspoken Resentments. Suppressed emotions and unmet expectations can fester and grow into a destructive force. Open communication is essential for preventing this toxicity from poisoning relationships.

Preventive Maintenance. Relationships, like cars, require regular maintenance. Addressing small issues before they escalate is crucial for preventing major breakdowns. This involves setting aside time for genuine communication and creating a safe space for expressing concerns.

The Cost of Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is expensive, costing us money, opportunities, and fulfilling relationships. It suffocates our vibrancy and limits our ability to reach our full potential.

5. Purity of Heart: Clearing the Path to See God and Live Fully

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Spiritual Housecleaning. A pure heart, free from the clutter of unforgiveness, is essential for experiencing the divine. This involves catharsis, a deep cleansing of the soul that removes blockages and restores freedom of movement.

Anger as a Smoke Alarm. Anger, when channeled constructively, can be a powerful catalyst for catharsis. It signals that something is wrong and needs attention. However, it's crucial to manage anger and prevent it from hijacking our journey.

The Cancer of Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness, if left unchecked, can become a cancer in our soul, silently growing and impeding every area of our lives. It's important to perform emotional self-examinations and address minor discord before it becomes a calamity.

6. Write It Off: Releasing the Unrepayable Debts of the Past

The important thing to remember is that my greatest opportunity was born in the middle of an offense.

Beyond Justice. Sometimes, seeking justice and retribution only perpetuates the cycle of pain. Forgiveness requires letting go of the need for the wrong to be righted and focusing on moving forward.

The Unrepentant Offender. Forgiveness is often most difficult when the offender is unrepentant and shows no remorse. In these cases, it's essential to forgive for our own emotional survival, releasing the baggage of unforgiveness and freeing ourselves from the past.

The Power of Perspective. Even the most hideous events can offer valuable lessons and opportunities for growth. By extracting the positive from negative experiences, we can transform them into catalysts for personal development.

7. Help Wanted: Forgiveness in the Workplace

For every promotion brings each of us into a higher level of exposure to conflict.

The Inevitability of Workplace Conflict. The workplace, with its diverse personalities and performance pressures, is a breeding ground for conflict. Learning to navigate these conflicts with forgiveness is essential for success.

The People Phobia. Sensitive individuals, often the most creative and sincere, are also the most likely to carry the cancer of unforgiveness. They may develop a "people phobia," approaching new situations with skepticism and self-sabotaging their success.

Opportunities in Disguise. Even the most frustrating experiences can blossom into compelling opportunities. By checking our emotions and listening to our inner voice, we can transform offenses into stepping stones to success.

8. Trust Takes Time: Rebuilding After a Breach

Trust is based on probable behavior.

Trust as a Valuable Commodity. Trust is a precious resource that takes time and effort to build. When it's broken, it can be difficult to restore. The onus of rebuilding trust lies largely on the offender, who must demonstrate consistent, unwavering behavior.

The Victim's Role. While the offender must take the lead in rebuilding trust, the victim also has a responsibility to be open to the process. This involves allowing the offender to demonstrate their commitment and being willing to move forward.

Beyond the Offense. Rebuilding trust requires more than just apologies and promises. It involves honesty, understanding, consistency, and open communication. It's a joint effort that requires both parties to be committed to the process.

9. Recovery Rate: The Importance of Emotional Exercise

Our inability or unwillingness to forgive past offenses often festers and metastasizes within us, quietly growing into a blockage that impedes every area of our lives.

The Silent Assassin. Unforgiveness can silently lurk within us, undetected until it dramatically reveals itself in a crisis or emotional breakdown. It's important to perform routine checks on our emotional and attitudinal health.

The Contagion of Offenses. We can become contagious carriers of the very offenses we have suffered. Breaking this cycle requires conscious effort and a willingness to choose not to be further molested by the ghost of our hideous experiences.

The Spiritual Stress Test. Just as our physical hearts require exercise to maintain their health, our emotional hearts require regular practice of forgiveness. This involves confronting our wounds, extracting the lessons, and releasing the anger and bitterness.

10. Mercy Me: Extending Grace as We Have Received It

If you are serious about fixing things at work, at home, or at church, you must be willing to listen even if the person is stumbling to communicate, or touches a nerve you don’t like.

The Source of Mercy. God's mercy is at the very heart of who he is. He offers it freely and abundantly, even when we are undeserving. Understanding this dimension of God's character is essential for our understanding of forgiveness.

The Trickle-Down Effect. When we receive God's mercy, we are called to extend it to others. Refusing to forgive is like blocking the flow of God's grace, preventing it from reaching those around us.

The Lord's Prayer. The Lord's Prayer reminds us that our forgiveness is intertwined with our willingness to forgive others. It's a call to humility and compassion, recognizing that we are all in need of God's grace.

11. Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself: The Foundation of Forgiveness

If you are serious about fixing things at work, at home, or at church, you must be willing to listen even if the person is stumbling to communicate, or touches a nerve you don’t like.

The Golden Rule. The commandment to "love thy neighbor as thyself" is a cornerstone of ethical behavior. However, many people struggle to love themselves, making it difficult to extend genuine love and forgiveness to others.

The Importance of Self-Acceptance. In order to forgive others, we must first forgive ourselves. This involves acknowledging our flaws, accepting our imperfections, and recognizing our inherent worth as children of God.

Breaking the Cycle. By loving and forgiving ourselves, we break the cycle of self-contempt and create a foundation for extending compassion and understanding to those around us. This allows us to build healthier relationships and create a more loving world.

12. Uprooted: Eradicating Bitterness for a Flourishing Life

If you are serious about fixing things at work, at home, or at church, you must be willing to listen even if the person is stumbling to communicate, or touches a nerve you don’t like.

The Weeds of Unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is like a stubborn weed that takes root in our soul, robbing us of joy, peace, and productivity. It's essential to tend our hearts daily, eradicating any stray comment or silent stare that threatens to take root.

Gardening Tools. We have been given a variety of tools to assist us in the process of nurturing our spiritual soil. These include acknowledging our pain, grieving our losses, and seeking understanding.

The Power of Self-Forgiveness. The most insidious weed is often the one we cultivate ourselves—our refusal to forgive ourselves. By releasing ourselves from the burden of self-condemnation, we can create space for new growth and a flourishing life.

Last updated: February 17, 2025