Letting Go

1. Letting Go: A Lifelong Dance Intensified by College

The process of “letting go” actually starts in the first years of life.

Separation is ongoing. The transition to college is a significant phase in the lifelong process of separation, echoing the push-and-pull dynamics seen in toddlerhood. Children seesaw between asserting independence and seeking comfort, a pattern that resurfaces as they leave home for college. This ambivalence is normal and can be puzzling for parents.

Parental ambivalence. Parents also experience conflicting feelings – pride and anticipation mixed with loneliness, anxiety, and a sense of loss. They may struggle to balance enjoying closeness with encouraging independence, especially in an age of constant digital connection. Finding this balance is a central challenge.

New phase for parents. As children enter college, parents also enter a new phase of life, often prompting reflection on their own identity, marriage, and careers. Understanding that both generations are navigating a transition helps parents respond more appropriately to their child's struggles and their own feelings of being left behind.

2. College: A Crucible for Identity, Independence, and Intimacy

This search for a cohesive and integrated self is one of the major tasks of the college student.

Core developmental tasks. College years are a prime time for young adults to grapple with fundamental questions: "Who am I?" (Identity), "How do I function on my own?" (Independence), and "How do I form deep connections?" (Intimacy). These tasks are intertwined and drive much of the college experience, both in and out of the classroom.

Identity exploration. Students explore different facets of themselves, sometimes trying on new personas through appearance, affiliations, or online profiles. This can manifest in ways that surprise or concern parents, but it's a necessary part of integrating past experiences with future aspirations and separating from family expectations.

Independence and intimacy. Gaining independence involves managing daily life, finances, and decisions, often complicated by continued financial dependence on parents. Simultaneously, students experiment with relationships, learning to balance their own needs with others' and developing the capacity for mutual trust and vulnerability, which is essential for true intimacy.

3. Today's Campus: A Complex, Rapidly Changing World

The social transformations of the past thirty years, which have touched all of our lives, have invaded the seemingly tranquil campus as well.

Beyond the ivy. Modern college campuses are far from isolated havens; they reflect broader societal changes. This includes increased diversity in the student body (racial, ethnic, economic, international, gender identity), rising costs and student debt, and heightened anxiety among students.

Technology's impact. Technology has profoundly reshaped campus life, from high-tech classrooms and digital libraries to ubiquitous social media and instant communication. While offering convenience and new learning opportunities, it also presents challenges like:

• Information overload
• Privacy concerns
• Cyberbullying and harassment
• Internet addiction

Evolving student life. Co-curricular activities are more diverse, reflecting varied student interests and identities (e.g., multicultural groups, LGBTQIAA+ organizations, service learning). Residence halls offer diverse living options, and student support services (counseling, career centers, health) have expanded to address complex student needs and promote wellness.

4. The Admissions Marathon: Fueling Anxiety and Unrealistic Expectations

The effect of all this is to raise the college years to a larger-than-life, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that will make or break our children’s future.

High-stakes process. The college admissions process has become intensely competitive, fueled by rankings, marketing blitzes, and parental aspirations. This creates immense pressure on students and families, often starting years before senior year.

Unrealistic images. The "big buildup" fosters idealized expectations of college as a time of constant happiness, intellectual stimulation, and guaranteed success. This contrasts sharply with the reality of college life, which includes stress, confusion, loneliness, and academic challenges.

Parental investment. Parents invest significant financial and emotional resources, sometimes leading to over-involvement or disappointment if their child's experience or choices don't match their expectations. Handling rejection and choosing among acceptances are significant emotional hurdles for both students and parents.

5. Departure & Disorientation: Navigating the Initial Shock

The student who arrives at college is confronted with a totally new world, as alien as a foreign land.

Emotional countdown. The weeks leading up to departure are filled with mixed emotions, last-minute preparations, and often a resurgence of parent-child tension as both grapple with the impending separation. Practical tasks become imbued with symbolic meaning.

First days blur. Orientation and the initial days on campus are a whirlwind of new faces, places, and information, often leaving freshmen feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and disoriented. They navigate unfamiliar social codes and living arrangements, sometimes experiencing intense homesickness.

Parents' adjustment. Parents also feel the jolt of their child's departure, experiencing a sense of loss and disorientation at home. They may struggle with a quieter house, changed family dynamics, and the shift in their role, sometimes finding it difficult to resist the urge to hover or intervene.

6. Freshman Year: Juggling Academics, Social Life, and Self-Discovery

Students have to try to handle everything all at once, and through the course of the year most of them do.

Multifaceted challenge. Freshman year requires students to simultaneously adapt to academic rigor, navigate complex social dynamics, and manage newfound freedom and responsibility. This constant juggling is demanding but fosters significant growth.

Academic adjustment. College academics differ significantly from high school, requiring new skills like critical thinking, time management, and independent study. Students may struggle with large classes, demanding professors, and the pressure of grades, sometimes experiencing self-doubt after initial assessments.

Social navigation. Finding a social niche, forming friendships, and navigating relationships (including roommates and romantic partners) are central to the freshman experience. Students experiment with different groups and lifestyles, confronting issues like peer pressure, substance use, and sexual identity, often without familiar parental boundaries.

7. Communication: Adapting to New Ways of Staying Connected

Sorting out the best methods to keep in touch can be confusing, from texting to FaceTime, e-mails to phone calls—each family needs to figure out what they think will work best for them.

Shifting dynamics. The ease of modern technology allows for constant connection, but parents and students must adapt their communication styles to support the student's growing independence. Frequent check-ins, while tempting, can hinder the student's ability to solve problems independently.

Finding the balance. Students often appreciate knowing their parents care but resent feeling micromanaged or interrogated. They may share triumphs with friends but turn to parents during low moments, sometimes presenting a skewed view of their experience. Parents must learn to listen, offer support, and encourage the student to utilize campus resources.

Varied methods. Communication frequency and preferred methods vary widely among families. While texting is common for quick updates, phone calls or video chats are often preferred for deeper conversations. Unexpected mail or care packages remain cherished tangible connections to home.

8. Sophomore Slump: Questioning, Uncertainty, and Growth

What has happened to the energetic and enthusiastic freshmen of just a year before?

Beyond the novelty. Sophomore year often brings a period of questioning and disillusionment after the initial excitement of freshman year wears off. Students may feel a sense of aimlessness, uncertainty about their major or future, and a loss of the novelty that defined their first year.

Increased responsibility. Sophomores face new pressures, including declaring a major, making housing decisions, and taking on leadership roles. They are expected to be more self-sufficient, and the lack of constant external support can feel isolating.

Identity and meaning. This period can be a time of intense introspection, grappling with existential questions and the complexities of the world. While challenging, navigating this slump is a crucial step in solidifying identity, making authentic commitments, and developing resilience.

9. Upperclassman Years: Consolidating Identity and Making Commitments

Junior and senior years are a time of consolidation.

Finding a niche. By junior and senior year, most students have established a clearer sense of identity, found their academic home in a major, and settled into a social niche on campus. They gain confidence and competence both in and out of the classroom.

Deeper engagement. Students engage more deeply in their studies, sometimes pursuing honors theses or research projects, and take on leadership roles in campus activities. These experiences provide opportunities for skill development, mentorship, and a sense of accomplishment.

Future focus. Upperclassmen begin to focus on the transition beyond college, exploring career options, applying to graduate school, and navigating the job market. This brings new anxieties and pressures, requiring students to balance their academic pursuits with practical preparations for the future.

10. The End is the Beginning: Graduation and Facing the Future

On the brink of adulthood, these young men and women retreat to realms of childlike playfulness.

Last times and urgency. Senior year is marked by a series of "last times," creating a sense of urgency to make the most of remaining college opportunities. Students balance academic demands with social activities and preparations for life after graduation.

Facing the unknown. Graduation signifies the end of the familiar role of "student" and the beginning of an uncertain future. Students grapple with questions about jobs, finances, relationships, and where they will live, often experiencing a mix of excitement, anxiety, and disorientation.

Transition for all. Graduation is a significant milestone for both students and parents, marking a formal shift in their relationship. While celebrating accomplishments, families also navigate the emotional complexities of this transition, including potential changes in living arrangements and financial dynamics.

11. Parents' Evolving Role: From Directing to Supporting the Journey

Parents can join university personnel as partners in encouraging their children to explore and take those risks, to discover their multifaceted world, and in so doing, to discover themselves.

Shifting influence. Parents' role naturally shifts from direct guidance and control to providing support, listening, and encouraging their child's independent problem-solving. This requires parents to trust their child's capabilities and the foundation they have built.

Navigating challenges together. While students take the lead, parents remain a vital resource, especially during difficult times. Knowing when to listen, when to offer tentative suggestions, and when to seek help from campus professionals is key to supporting the student's growth without hindering it.

Accepting the path chosen. Ultimately, parents must accept that their child's college journey and future path may differ from their own expectations or dreams. Supporting the student's authentic choices, even if they seem unconventional, strengthens the relationship and honors the student's emerging identity.

Last updated: June 19, 2025