Never Enough

1. Achievement pressure is creating a mental health crisis among youth

Students attending what researchers call "high-achieving schools"—generally speaking, competitive public or private schools with high standardized test scores—are found to have "relatively high levels of adjustment problems, likely linked with long-standing ubiquitous pressures to excel at academics and extracurriculars," the report noted.

Alarming statistics. Recent studies have identified students in high-achieving schools as an "at-risk" group, alongside traditionally recognized at-risk populations. These students face:

• Increased rates of anxiety and depression
• Higher substance abuse rates
• Elevated risk of eating disorders and self-harm

Root causes. The pressure stems from:

• Intense academic competition
• Overscheduled extracurricular activities
• Parental expectations and societal demands
• Social media comparisons and the need for constant validation

Long-term consequences. This toxic achievement culture can lead to:

• Burnout and decreased intrinsic motivation
• Difficulty forming genuine relationships
• Reduced creativity and problem-solving skills
• Impaired emotional development and self-worth

2. Scarcity mindset and status anxiety fuel toxic parenting behaviors

To our brains, status matters. It's a truth that dates back to our earliest ancestors. The higher an individual's status in their community, the greater their access to important advantages—first choice of food, first choice of shelter, first choice of mate—that ensured their long-term success and that of their children.

Evolutionary roots. Our brains are wired to seek status as a survival mechanism. In modern society, this manifests as:

• Intense focus on academic and extracurricular achievements
• Obsession with prestigious college admissions
• Overinvolvement in children's lives to ensure success

Scarcity mindset. Parents perceive limited resources and opportunities, leading to:

• Hypercompetitive parenting behaviors
• Anxiety about children's future prospects
• Difficulty allowing children to experience failure or setbacks

Status safeguarding. Parents engage in behaviors to maintain or improve their family's social standing:

• Micromanaging children's schedules and activities
• Prioritizing resume-building over genuine interests
• Comparing children's achievements to peers

3. Mattering: The antidote to achievement pressure and key to well-being

Mattering is not mutually exclusive from high performance. When we matter, we are more likely to participate in positive, healthy ways in our families, our schools, and our communities.

Defining mattering. Mattering is the feeling of being valued and adding value to others. It encompasses:

• Feeling significant and important to others
• Believing one's actions have an impact
• Experiencing a sense of belonging and connection

Benefits of mattering. Research shows that a strong sense of mattering:

• Buffers against stress, anxiety, and depression
• Enhances resilience and self-esteem
• Promotes healthy relationships and social connections
• Motivates positive contributions to society

Cultivating mattering. Parents and educators can foster mattering by:

• Expressing unconditional love and acceptance
• Recognizing and appreciating children's unique qualities
• Providing opportunities for meaningful contributions
• Encouraging healthy interdependence and support-seeking

4. Parents must prioritize their own well-being to support their children

If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids!

Self-care is essential. Parents' mental health directly impacts their children's well-being. To be effective caregivers, parents must:

• Maintain their own support networks and friendships
• Engage in regular self-care activities
• Seek help when feeling overwhelmed or stressed

Modeling healthy behaviors. Children learn by example. When parents prioritize their well-being, they:

• Demonstrate the importance of self-care and balance
• Show healthy ways to manage stress and emotions
• Illustrate the value of maintaining supportive relationships

Breaking the cycle. By addressing their own needs, parents can:

• Reduce the transmission of anxiety and stress to their children
• Create a more positive and nurturing home environment
• Enhance their capacity to provide emotional support

5. Redefine success beyond grades and prestigious college admissions

Imagine your child was moving through life as I was that day. They were waking up before 4:00 a.m. to do work, desperately filing assignments, killing themselves to please their teachers, their friends, you. What might you say to them?

Broadening the definition of success. Encourage a more holistic view of achievement that includes:

• Personal growth and character development
• Emotional intelligence and social skills
• Pursuit of genuine interests and passions
• Contribution to community and society

Challenging societal norms. Question and resist narrow definitions of success:

• Recognize the limitations of college rankings and prestige
• Emphasize "fit" over selectivity in college choices
• Celebrate diverse paths and definitions of success

Fostering intrinsic motivation. Help children develop internal drive by:

• Encouraging curiosity and love of learning
• Praising effort and process over outcomes
• Supporting autonomy and decision-making skills
• Helping identify and pursue personal goals

6. Foster healthy competition and collaboration among peers

When you reframe competition in this way—that it's not about what you are acquiring or achieving, but about the person you are becoming—it also emphasizes the power of relationships.

Reframing competition. Teach children to view competition as:

• An opportunity for personal growth and improvement
• A chance to learn from and inspire others
• A collaborative effort to raise collective standards

Promoting collaboration. Encourage teamwork and mutual support by:

• Creating opportunities for group projects and shared goals
• Teaching empathy and perspective-taking skills
• Recognizing and rewarding cooperative behaviors

Managing envy and social comparison. Help children navigate competitive environments by:

• Acknowledging and normalizing feelings of envy
• Redirecting focus to personal growth and improvement
• Celebrating others' successes as inspiration

7. Encourage purpose and contribution to society for meaningful achievement

When you have a purpose beyond yourself, you realize that there are infinite paths to get there.

Fostering purpose. Help children discover their unique contributions by:

• Exposing them to diverse experiences and perspectives
• Encouraging exploration of personal interests and values
• Discussing global issues and potential solutions

Service and volunteerism. Promote engagement in community service:

• Make volunteering a regular family activity
• Help children identify causes they care about
• Discuss the impact of their contributions

Linking achievement to impact. Frame academic and extracurricular pursuits in terms of:

• How skills and knowledge can be used to help others
• Potential future contributions to society
• Personal growth and development of character

8. Create a network of caring adults to support youth development

Surrounding our kids with trusted adults also releases us from running ourselves into the ground by trying to be everything to them.

Expanding support systems. Encourage connections with multiple caring adults:

• Teachers, coaches, and mentors
• Extended family members and family friends
• Community leaders and role models

Benefits of a diverse support network:

• Exposes children to different perspectives and experiences
• Provides additional sources of guidance and emotional support
• Reduces pressure on parents to meet all needs

Facilitating connections. Help children build relationships with trusted adults by:

• Involving them in community activities and organizations
• Encouraging participation in mentorship programs
• Fostering open communication with teachers and coaches

9. Promote intrinsic values over extrinsic rewards for long-term fulfillment

If we want our children to shore up on intrinsic values—relational, community-minded ones—the first thing we must point them toward is regular ways of experiencing their value outside their zip codes.

Understanding value systems. Recognize the difference between:

• Intrinsic values: personal growth, relationships, community
• Extrinsic values: wealth, status, image

Cultivating intrinsic motivation. Encourage children to pursue goals based on:

• Personal interest and enjoyment
• Sense of meaning and purpose
• Desire for growth and self-improvement

Reframing rewards. Shift focus from external validation to internal satisfaction:

• Praise effort and progress rather than outcomes
• Encourage reflection on personal growth and learning
• Help children identify their own measures of success

Modeling intrinsic values. Parents can demonstrate the importance of intrinsic values by:

• Pursuing their own passions and interests
• Prioritizing relationships and community involvement
• Discussing personal growth and learning experiences

Last updated: October 5, 2024