Key Takeaways
1. Achievement pressure is creating a mental health crisis among youth
Students attending what researchers call "high-achieving schools"—generally speaking, competitive public or private schools with high standardized test scores—are found to have "relatively high levels of adjustment problems, likely linked with long-standing ubiquitous pressures to excel at academics and extracurriculars," the report noted.
Alarming statistics. Recent studies have identified students in high-achieving schools as an "at-risk" group, alongside traditionally recognized at-risk populations. These students face:
- Increased rates of anxiety and depression
- Higher substance abuse rates
- Elevated risk of eating disorders and self-harm
Root causes. The pressure stems from:
- Intense academic competition
- Overscheduled extracurricular activities
- Parental expectations and societal demands
- Social media comparisons and the need for constant validation
Long-term consequences. This toxic achievement culture can lead to:
- Burnout and decreased intrinsic motivation
- Difficulty forming genuine relationships
- Reduced creativity and problem-solving skills
- Impaired emotional development and self-worth
2. Scarcity mindset and status anxiety fuel toxic parenting behaviors
To our brains, status matters. It's a truth that dates back to our earliest ancestors. The higher an individual's status in their community, the greater their access to important advantages—first choice of food, first choice of shelter, first choice of mate—that ensured their long-term success and that of their children.
Evolutionary roots. Our brains are wired to seek status as a survival mechanism. In modern society, this manifests as:
- Intense focus on academic and extracurricular achievements
- Obsession with prestigious college admissions
- Overinvolvement in children's lives to ensure success
Scarcity mindset. Parents perceive limited resources and opportunities, leading to:
- Hypercompetitive parenting behaviors
- Anxiety about children's future prospects
- Difficulty allowing children to experience failure or setbacks
Status safeguarding. Parents engage in behaviors to maintain or improve their family's social standing:
- Micromanaging children's schedules and activities
- Prioritizing resume-building over genuine interests
- Comparing children's achievements to peers
3. Mattering: The antidote to achievement pressure and key to well-being
Mattering is not mutually exclusive from high performance. When we matter, we are more likely to participate in positive, healthy ways in our families, our schools, and our communities.
Defining mattering. Mattering is the feeling of being valued and adding value to others. It encompasses:
- Feeling significant and important to others
- Believing one's actions have an impact
- Experiencing a sense of belonging and connection
Benefits of mattering. Research shows that a strong sense of mattering:
- Buffers against stress, anxiety, and depression
- Enhances resilience and self-esteem
- Promotes healthy relationships and social connections
- Motivates positive contributions to society
Cultivating mattering. Parents and educators can foster mattering by:
- Expressing unconditional love and acceptance
- Recognizing and appreciating children's unique qualities
- Providing opportunities for meaningful contributions
- Encouraging healthy interdependence and support-seeking
4. Parents must prioritize their own well-being to support their children
If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your kids!
Self-care is essential. Parents' mental health directly impacts their children's well-being. To be effective caregivers, parents must:
- Maintain their own support networks and friendships
- Engage in regular self-care activities
- Seek help when feeling overwhelmed or stressed
Modeling healthy behaviors. Children learn by example. When parents prioritize their well-being, they:
- Demonstrate the importance of self-care and balance
- Show healthy ways to manage stress and emotions
- Illustrate the value of maintaining supportive relationships
Breaking the cycle. By addressing their own needs, parents can:
- Reduce the transmission of anxiety and stress to their children
- Create a more positive and nurturing home environment
- Enhance their capacity to provide emotional support
5. Redefine success beyond grades and prestigious college admissions
Imagine your child was moving through life as I was that day. They were waking up before 4:00 a.m. to do work, desperately filing assignments, killing themselves to please their teachers, their friends, you. What might you say to them?
Broadening the definition of success. Encourage a more holistic view of achievement that includes:
- Personal growth and character development
- Emotional intelligence and social skills
- Pursuit of genuine interests and passions
- Contribution to community and society
Challenging societal norms. Question and resist narrow definitions of success:
- Recognize the limitations of college rankings and prestige
- Emphasize "fit" over selectivity in college choices
- Celebrate diverse paths and definitions of success
Fostering intrinsic motivation. Help children develop internal drive by:
- Encouraging curiosity and love of learning
- Praising effort and process over outcomes
- Supporting autonomy and decision-making skills
- Helping identify and pursue personal goals
6. Foster healthy competition and collaboration among peers
When you reframe competition in this way—that it's not about what you are acquiring or achieving, but about the person you are becoming—it also emphasizes the power of relationships.
Reframing competition. Teach children to view competition as:
- An opportunity for personal growth and improvement
- A chance to learn from and inspire others
- A collaborative effort to raise collective standards
Promoting collaboration. Encourage teamwork and mutual support by:
- Creating opportunities for group projects and shared goals
- Teaching empathy and perspective-taking skills
- Recognizing and rewarding cooperative behaviors
Managing envy and social comparison. Help children navigate competitive environments by:
- Acknowledging and normalizing feelings of envy
- Redirecting focus to personal growth and improvement
- Celebrating others' successes as inspiration
7. Encourage purpose and contribution to society for meaningful achievement
When you have a purpose beyond yourself, you realize that there are infinite paths to get there.
Fostering purpose. Help children discover their unique contributions by:
- Exposing them to diverse experiences and perspectives
- Encouraging exploration of personal interests and values
- Discussing global issues and potential solutions
Service and volunteerism. Promote engagement in community service:
- Make volunteering a regular family activity
- Help children identify causes they care about
- Discuss the impact of their contributions
Linking achievement to impact. Frame academic and extracurricular pursuits in terms of:
- How skills and knowledge can be used to help others
- Potential future contributions to society
- Personal growth and development of character
8. Create a network of caring adults to support youth development
Surrounding our kids with trusted adults also releases us from running ourselves into the ground by trying to be everything to them.
Expanding support systems. Encourage connections with multiple caring adults:
- Teachers, coaches, and mentors
- Extended family members and family friends
- Community leaders and role models
Benefits of a diverse support network:
- Exposes children to different perspectives and experiences
- Provides additional sources of guidance and emotional support
- Reduces pressure on parents to meet all needs
Facilitating connections. Help children build relationships with trusted adults by:
- Involving them in community activities and organizations
- Encouraging participation in mentorship programs
- Fostering open communication with teachers and coaches
9. Promote intrinsic values over extrinsic rewards for long-term fulfillment
If we want our children to shore up on intrinsic values—relational, community-minded ones—the first thing we must point them toward is regular ways of experiencing their value outside their zip codes.
Understanding value systems. Recognize the difference between:
- Intrinsic values: personal growth, relationships, community
- Extrinsic values: wealth, status, image
Cultivating intrinsic motivation. Encourage children to pursue goals based on:
- Personal interest and enjoyment
- Sense of meaning and purpose
- Desire for growth and self-improvement
Reframing rewards. Shift focus from external validation to internal satisfaction:
- Praise effort and progress rather than outcomes
- Encourage reflection on personal growth and learning
- Help children identify their own measures of success
Modeling intrinsic values. Parents can demonstrate the importance of intrinsic values by:
- Pursuing their own passions and interests
- Prioritizing relationships and community involvement
- Discussing personal growth and learning experiences
Last updated:
FAQ
What's Never Enough about?
- Focus on Achievement Culture: Never Enough by Jennifer Breheny Wallace examines the toxic effects of achievement culture on children and families, highlighting the pressures to excel academically and athletically.
- Mattering Concept: Introduces "mattering," the feeling of being valued and important to others, as crucial for children's mental health and well-being.
- Practical Solutions: Offers actionable advice for parents, educators, and communities to help children thrive without succumbing to achievement pressures.
Why should I read Never Enough?
- Timely and Relevant: Addresses rising mental health issues among youth, urging a reexamination of societal values regarding success.
- Expert Insights: Combines research from psychology and neuroscience with personal stories for a comprehensive understanding of youth challenges.
- Practical Guidance: Provides strategies for fostering healthy relationships and environments, helping children feel valued beyond achievements.
What are the key takeaways of Never Enough?
- Understanding Mattering: Emphasizes the importance of children feeling valued for who they are, not just their accomplishments.
- Parental Influence: Highlights how parental anxiety and societal pressures can harm children, encouraging reflection on beliefs about success.
- Balance is Essential: Advocates for a balanced parenting approach prioritizing emotional well-being over relentless achievement.
How does Never Enough define "mattering"?
- Feeling Valued: Mattering is the feeling of being valued and important to others, encompassing care and positive contribution.
- Key to Mental Health: A strong sense of mattering is crucial for positive mental health outcomes, reducing anxiety and depression.
- Actionable Framework: Provides a framework for parents to cultivate mattering through attention, appreciation, and support.
What are the effects of achievement culture on children, according to Never Enough?
- Increased Anxiety and Depression: Pressure to achieve leads to heightened anxiety and depression among youth, with many feeling overwhelmed.
- Loss of Identity: Children often tie self-worth to achievements, leading to a loss of personal identity and feelings of inadequacy.
- Isolation and Loneliness: Competitive environments undermine friendships, causing students to feel isolated and view peers as rivals.
What practical advice does Never Enough offer to parents?
- Prioritize Mattering: Focus on fostering a sense of mattering through open communication, unconditional love, and presence.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Help children set boundaries around schoolwork and activities, recognizing the need for downtime.
- Model Healthy Behavior: Emphasizes the importance of parents modeling self-care and balance to better support their children.
How can educators apply the concepts from Never Enough?
- Create Supportive Environments: Foster environments where students feel valued for who they are, not just academic performance.
- Address Mental Health: Prioritize mental health resources and support systems, training educators to recognize stress signs.
- Encourage Balance: Promote a balanced approach to education, allowing time for rest and personal interests.
What role do community efforts play in addressing achievement culture, as discussed in Never Enough?
- Collective Responsibility: Emphasizes a community-wide effort to create supportive environments for children.
- Promoting Healthy Values: Community initiatives can shift focus from achievement to well-being, celebrating diverse talents.
- Resources and Support: Suggests providing mental health resources and educational workshops to raise awareness and promote healthier practices.
How does Never Enough suggest parents can combat their own anxiety about achievement?
- Self-Reflection: Encourages parents to reflect on their beliefs and behaviors regarding achievement to avoid projecting anxiety.
- Seek Support: Highlights the importance of building a support network among parents to share experiences and insights.
- Focus on Values: Urges prioritizing intrinsic values like relationships and personal growth over extrinsic achievements.
What are some specific methods or advice from Never Enough?
- Normalize Vulnerability: Adults should model vulnerability and openness about struggles to help children express feelings.
- Encourage Teamwork: Emphasizes collaboration over competition, particularly in educational settings, to foster belonging.
- Implement Chores: Assigning age-appropriate chores instills responsibility and enhances the feeling of mattering within the family.
How does Never Enough address mental health issues?
- Highlighting the Crisis: Discusses the rise in mental health issues among adolescents, particularly in high-achieving environments.
- Promoting Open Dialogue: Advocates for open conversations about mental health to normalize struggles and reduce stigma.
- Creating Supportive Environments: Provides strategies for prioritizing mental health at home and in schools, fostering connections and belonging.
How does Never Enough redefine success?
- Broader Definition of Success: Challenges traditional success definitions, advocating for a holistic view including emotional well-being.
- Emphasis on Relationships: Redefines success to include the quality of relationships and connections with others.
- Encouraging Personal Growth: Focuses on personal growth and self-discovery rather than external validation for a meaningful life.
Review Summary
Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It receives mostly positive reviews for addressing the pressures of achievement culture on students, particularly in affluent communities. Readers appreciate the book's insights on fostering a sense of "mattering" in children and its practical advice for parents. Some criticize the book's focus on wealthy families and its perceived contradictions. Overall, reviewers find it a valuable resource for parents and educators, though some feel it may not be applicable to all socioeconomic backgrounds.
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