Likeable Badass

1. Women face a status problem, not just a power problem

Status also comes from being a generous exchange partner—giving more help, advice, and support to others than you receive in turn.

Status vs. power. While women's lack of power in many spheres is well-documented, the underlying issue is actually one of status - how much women are respected, admired, and valued by others. Status determines how much power and influence one is granted. By focusing on building status rather than just pursuing power directly, women can more effectively overcome gender-based obstacles.

The status-power connection. Research shows that power is typically awarded based on status. People grant control and authority to those they respect and admire. This explains why women often struggle to gain power even when they have the same qualifications as men - they face an uphill battle in gaining the status that leads to power.

Status as the root cause. Addressing women's status deficit is key to achieving gender equality. Some ways women can build status include:

• Demonstrating competence and warmth
• Self-promoting strategically
• Building a network of advocates
• Offering help and mentorship to others

2. Become a "likeable badass" by combining Assertiveness and Warmth

Everyone needs mentoring, always.

The winning combination. To gain status, women need to be perceived as both Assertive (confident, competent, ambitious) and Warm (likeable, caring, collaborative). This allows them to be respected for their abilities while also being seen as someone others want to work with and support.

Overcoming the double bind. Women often feel they must choose between being seen as competent or likeable. However, research shows it's possible and necessary to convey both traits:

• Use confident body language and speech patterns
• Demonstrate expertise and capabilities
• Show genuine care for others' success
• Build positive relationships
• Offer help and mentorship

Cultural shift required. While individual women can adopt "likeable badass" strategies, truly solving the status problem requires broader cultural change in how women's Assertiveness and Warmth are perceived and valued in professional settings.

3. Tell your story effectively to shape how others see you

If you don't tell a good story about yourself, no one else will either.

Be your own publicist. Women must take an active role in shaping how others perceive them, rather than letting assumptions or stereotypes define their image. This involves strategically highlighting accomplishments, skills, and positive qualities.

Tactics for effective self-promotion:

• Share successes and achievements, framing them in terms of value provided to others
• Use "powerless" speech sparingly and strategically
• Accept compliments graciously rather than deflecting praise
• Avoid unnecessary apologies and self-deprecation
• Prepare concise, impactful responses to common questions about your work and background
• Leverage social proof by having others speak positively about you

Authenticity is key. Self-promotion should feel natural and aligned with your values. Find ways to highlight your strengths and accomplishments that feel comfortable and genuine to you.

4. Build an army of "other-promoters" to amplify your status

The more people who build our status for us, the less effort we have to expend.

Leverage your network. Having others speak positively about you is even more effective than self-promotion. Actively cultivate a network of "other-promoters" who will advocate for you and spread the word about your capabilities.

Strategies to build other-promoters:

• Make yourself known - increase "mere exposure" through networking and visibility
• Provide value to others through "small deposits" of help, advice, or connections
• Be specific when asking for help or recommendations
• Reciprocate by promoting others in your network
• Stay in touch with past colleagues and contacts

The power of introductions. One of the most effective ways to build status and other-promoters is by making thoughtful introductions between people in your network. This showcases your connections and ability to add value.

5. Advocate for yourself while maintaining Warmth

There's nothing wrong with that, but you can't stay in touch with enough people that way.

Assertive self-advocacy. Women must be willing to ask for what they want and need, whether it's a raise, promotion, or new opportunity. However, this should be done in a way that maintains perceptions of Warmth.

Techniques for Warm self-advocacy:

• Frame requests in terms of mutual benefit
• Use "powerless" speech strategically to build rapport
• Highlight how your success will positively impact others
• Make the first offer in negotiations to anchor the discussion
• Present multiple options to appear flexible
• Build status before making big asks

Practice makes perfect. Self-advocacy skills improve with practice. Start with low-stakes requests and work up to more significant ones as you gain confidence.

6. Use your status strategically to achieve long-term goals

Your future self will thank you.

Long-term perspective. Rather than hoarding status, use it strategically to achieve your most important long-term goals. This requires clarity on what truly matters to you in the long run.

Exercises for goal clarity:

• Imagine your retirement party - what do you want others to say about your accomplishments and character?
• Visualize your ideal future self - what does your life look like?
• Identify your top 3 desired contributions and characteristics

Strategic status deployment. Once you're clear on your long-term priorities, use your status purposefully to move toward those goals. This might involve:

• Speaking up on issues that align with your values
• Taking on high-visibility projects that build desired skills
• Cultivating relationships with key influencers in your field
• Saying no to opportunities that don't serve your long-term vision

7. Be a mentor and seek mentorship to enhance your status

Everyone needs mentoring, always.

Lifelong learning. Seeking mentorship throughout your career demonstrates humility and a growth mindset. It also exposes you to new perspectives and opportunities.

Benefits of being a mentor:

• Builds your status as an expert and leader
• Develops your own skills through teaching others
• Expands your network and influence
• Creates a positive reputation as someone who helps others succeed

Fractional mentorship model. Rather than seeking one perfect mentor, cultivate a diverse network of "fractional mentors" who each offer specific expertise or perspective. Similarly, be open to mentoring others in areas where you excel, even if you don't feel like an expert in everything.

Mentorship best practices:

• Be clear about what you hope to learn or contribute
• Set expectations for the relationship upfront
• Follow through on commitments
• Express gratitude for the mentor's time and insights
• Pay it forward by mentoring others when possible

Last updated: November 16, 2024