Key Takeaways
1. Embrace Your Authentic Self, Loudly
I want them to know there are consequences to treating people in ways that are harmful or problematic on a public platform, and so that’s what I like to think of myself as: a tangible consequence.
Authenticity as a superpower. The author's journey began with embracing her true self, flaws and all, and using her unique voice to challenge misogyny. This authenticity resonated with millions, proving that being genuine is more powerful than trying to fit in. It's about owning your quirks, your passions, and your opinions, even if they're not universally popular.
- Being yourself attracts your tribe.
- Authenticity is magnetic.
- Your unique voice is your power.
Loudness as a form of resistance. The author's unapologetic loudness is a deliberate act of defiance against a world that often silences women. It's about taking up space, making your voice heard, and refusing to be diminished. It's not about being obnoxious, but about being present and impactful.
- Loudness challenges the status quo.
- It demands attention and respect.
- It empowers others to speak up.
Self-acceptance as a foundation. Embracing your authentic self starts with self-acceptance. It's about loving yourself, flaws and all, and recognizing that your worth is not determined by external validation. It's about being your own best friend and cheerleader.
- Self-love is the foundation of confidence.
- You are enough, just as you are.
- Your worth is inherent, not earned.
2. Misogyny is a System, Not Just Bad Men
For every man who’s had a meltdown after being faced with even 0.0001 percent of the shit that the rest of us have to face every day, there’s someone like the woman who came up to me on a beach in Mexico with tears in her eyes to share that she was wearing a bathing suit for the first time in her life because of my content defending fat and plus-size women.
Systemic oppression. Misogyny is not just about individual bad men; it's a deeply ingrained system that perpetuates inequality and harm. It's about the structures, beliefs, and practices that keep women and femmes in a subordinate position.
- It's a system that benefits men.
- It's a system that pits women against each other.
- It's a system that is constantly evolving.
The patriarchy's insidious nature. The patriarchy operates by creating arbitrary rules and expectations that punish women and brainwash them into upholding these harmful beliefs. It's about controlling women's bodies, voices, and choices.
- It starts early, with gendered expectations for babies.
- It's reinforced by media, culture, and social norms.
- It's designed to keep women in their place.
Challenging the status quo. Recognizing misogyny as a system is the first step toward dismantling it. It's about questioning the status quo, challenging harmful beliefs, and creating a more equitable world for all.
- It requires collective action.
- It requires education and awareness.
- It requires a willingness to challenge power.
3. Pick-Me Behavior is a Trap, Not a Strategy
If your approach to connecting with anyone, not just men, is based on superiority, then it will never provide a stable foundation for a meaningful relationship of any kind.
Seeking male validation. Pick-me behavior is rooted in the desire for male approval, leading women to prioritize men's feelings and opinions over their own. It's about trying to be "not like other girls" in order to gain male attention.
- It's a form of internalized misogyny.
- It's a competition for male approval.
- It's a self-defeating strategy.
The "cool girl" myth. The "cool girl" is a construct created by men, and perpetuated by women, who believe that being agreeable and undemanding is the key to male affection. It's a performance that requires women to suppress their true selves.
- It's a performance, not reality.
- It's a trap that keeps women from being authentic.
- It's a way for men to control women.
Breaking free from the trap. Recognizing pick-me behavior is the first step toward breaking free from it. It's about prioritizing your own needs and desires, and building relationships based on mutual respect and equality.
- It requires self-awareness and honesty.
- It requires a willingness to challenge the status quo.
- It requires embracing female solidarity.
4. Trust and Support are the Bedrock of Relationships
The greatest gift you can give anyone, but especially a young person, is trust.
Unconditional love and support. The author's family provided a foundation of unconditional love and support, which allowed her to grow into the confident woman she is today. This kind of support is essential for anyone to thrive.
- It's about being there for each other, no matter what.
- It's about celebrating each other's successes.
- It's about offering a safe space to be vulnerable.
The importance of mentorship. Mentorship, whether from family, friends, or mentors, is crucial for navigating life's challenges. It's about having people who believe in you, guide you, and hold you accountable.
- It's about passing on wisdom and experience.
- It's about empowering others to reach their full potential.
- It's about creating a community of support.
Trust as a foundation. Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, whether it's with family, friends, or romantic partners. It's about being able to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic with the people you care about.
- It's about believing in each other.
- It's about respecting each other's boundaries.
- It's about creating a safe space for growth.
5. Body Neutrality is Freedom, Not Complacency
I want to embody the idea that it’s more than enough for my body to simply keep me happy and thriving.
Beyond body positivity. Body neutrality is about accepting your body as it is, without assigning it a positive or negative value. It's about recognizing that your worth is not determined by your physical appearance.
- It's about appreciating your body for what it does.
- It's about freeing yourself from the pressure to conform.
- It's about focusing on your inner self.
Challenging beauty standards. The author challenges the narrow beauty standards that are often imposed on women, particularly women of color. It's about recognizing that beauty is subjective and that all bodies are worthy of respect.
- It's about rejecting Eurocentric beauty ideals.
- It's about celebrating diversity.
- It's about creating a more inclusive world.
Focus on inner worth. Body neutrality is about shifting your focus from your physical appearance to your inner qualities. It's about valuing your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and recognizing that your worth is not determined by your looks.
- It's about prioritizing your mental and emotional health.
- It's about cultivating self-compassion.
- It's about living a life that is true to yourself.
6. It's Okay to Be Mean, Sometimes
I am mean. I have all the capability in the world to be mean, just like everyone else. What I think matters most, and what is a true measure of integrity, is how we choose to use it.
Reclaiming "mean." The author reclaims the word "mean" as a tool for self-defense and empowerment. It's about refusing to be polite or accommodating to those who are disrespectful or harmful.
- It's about setting boundaries.
- It's about protecting yourself and others.
- It's about challenging power.
Strategic meanness. Being mean is not about being cruel or malicious, but about being strategic and intentional. It's about using your voice and your actions to challenge injustice and hold people accountable.
- It's about being direct and honest.
- It's about refusing to be silenced.
- It's about using your power for good.
Prioritizing safety. The author emphasizes that safety should always be the top priority. It's about knowing when to be mean and when to walk away. It's about protecting yourself and others from harm.
- It's about trusting your instincts.
- It's about knowing your limits.
- It's about being prepared to defend yourself.
7. You Are Worthy, With or Without a Partner
I’d literally rather die happy and alone than die unhappily partnered.
Self-sufficiency and independence. The author emphasizes the importance of self-sufficiency and independence, particularly for women. It's about knowing that you are complete and whole on your own, and that you don't need a partner to validate your worth.
- It's about prioritizing your own needs and desires.
- It's about building a life that is fulfilling and meaningful.
- It's about being your own best friend.
Choosing partnership, not needing it. The author's relationship with her boyfriend, Pili, is based on mutual respect and equality. It's about choosing to be with someone because you want to, not because you need to.
- It's about finding a partner who celebrates your individuality.
- It's about building a relationship based on trust and support.
- It's about choosing love, not settling for less.
The power of being alone. The author embraces the idea of dying alone, not out of fear or sadness, but out of a sense of self-sufficiency and empowerment. It's about knowing that you are enough, with or without a romantic partner.
- It's about finding joy in your own company.
- It's about building a life that is true to yourself.
- It's about being free from the pressure to conform.
8. Redefine Success on Your Own Terms
If through my content I’ve helped even one person gain more confidence and empowered them to leave a shitty situation they were in—which I believe I have, based on the testimonies I’ve received from so many of you—then I’m satisfied.
Beyond traditional metrics. The author challenges the traditional metrics of success, which often prioritize wealth, status, and power. It's about defining success on your own terms, based on your values and goals.
- It's about prioritizing impact over income.
- It's about finding meaning in your work.
- It's about living a life that is aligned with your purpose.
Impact over recognition. The author's focus is on making a positive impact on the world, rather than seeking recognition or validation. It's about using your platform to empower others and challenge injustice.
- It's about being a force for good.
- It's about creating a ripple effect of positive change.
- It's about leaving the world a better place.
Continuous growth and evolution. The author emphasizes that life is a journey of continuous growth and evolution. It's about embracing change, learning from your mistakes, and always striving to become a better version of yourself.
- It's about being open to new experiences.
- It's about being patient with yourself.
- It's about never giving up on your dreams.
Last updated:
FAQ
1. What’s "Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve" by Drew Afualo about?
- Empowerment and Decentering Men: The book is a memoir and manifesto that encourages women, femmes, and nonbinary people to decenter men from their lives and reclaim their self-worth.
- Personal Journey: Drew Afualo shares her own experiences growing up Samoan, navigating misogyny, and building confidence, especially through her viral TikTok presence.
- Unlearning Patriarchy: It provides tools and stories for unlearning internalized misogyny, challenging societal expectations, and embracing self-advocacy.
- Community and Solidarity: The book emphasizes the importance of female and femme solidarity, community, and the power of showing up for one another.
2. Why should I read "Loud" by Drew Afualo?
- Relatable and Honest: Afualo’s candid storytelling and humor make complex topics like patriarchy, body image, and self-worth accessible and engaging.
- Actionable Advice: The book offers practical strategies for setting boundaries, asserting oneself, and building confidence in a world that often tries to diminish women and marginalized people.
- Representation Matters: As a Samoan woman, Afualo brings a unique perspective on intersectionality, culture, and the importance of diverse voices in feminist discourse.
- Community Building: Readers looking for validation, solidarity, and a sense of belonging will find encouragement and support in Afualo’s words.
3. What are the key takeaways from "Loud" by Drew Afualo?
- Decentering Men: True empowerment comes from removing men as the central focus of self-worth and life decisions.
- Unlearning Internalized Misogyny: Recognizing and actively working to dismantle the patriarchal beliefs ingrained in us from a young age is essential.
- The Power of Community: Building and nurturing relationships with women, femmes, and allies is crucial for personal and collective growth.
- Self-Advocacy and Boundaries: It’s not only okay but necessary to be assertive, set boundaries, and sometimes be “mean” to protect your well-being.
- Body Neutrality: Shifting from body positivity to body neutrality can free up mental space and help focus on what truly matters.
4. How does Drew Afualo define and address "internalized misogyny" in "Loud"?
- Definition and Examples: Internalized misogyny is the subconscious adoption of sexist attitudes and beliefs, often manifesting as self-doubt, competition with other women, or seeking male validation.
- Personal Reflection: Afualo shares her own journey as a former “pick-me” girl, illustrating how internalized misogyny shaped her behavior and relationships.
- Unlearning Process: The book provides steps for recognizing these patterns, practicing self-compassion, and actively choosing solidarity over competition.
- Impact on Community: Afualo stresses that internalized misogyny not only harms individuals but also weakens collective efforts for equality.
5. What is the concept of "decentering men" in "Loud" by Drew Afualo?
- Shifting the Focus: Decentering men means no longer making men’s opinions, validation, or needs the primary concern in your life.
- Empowerment Through Autonomy: Afualo argues that true self-worth and happiness come from prioritizing your own desires, goals, and community.
- Practical Application: The book offers advice on how to recognize when you’re centering men and how to redirect that energy toward yourself and your support network.
- Cultural Critique: Afualo critiques societal norms that teach women to live for male approval and provides tools to break free from these expectations.
6. How does "Loud" by Drew Afualo address the "pick-me" phenomenon?
- Definition: A “pick-me” is someone who seeks male approval by putting down other women or adopting behaviors to be chosen by men.
- Personal Confession: Afualo openly discusses her own “pick-me” era, the shame and emptiness it brought, and how she overcame it.
- Empathy and Accountability: While she calls out pick-me behavior, Afualo also expresses empathy, understanding it as a survival mechanism in a patriarchal world.
- Path to Recovery: The book encourages readers to find their grounding belief (like being a “girls’ girl”) and use it to break free from pick-me patterns.
7. What is "body neutrality" and how does Drew Afualo promote it in "Loud"?
- Body Neutrality Defined: Body neutrality is the practice of viewing your body as a functional vessel, neither good nor bad, and not the primary source of self-worth.
- Contrast with Body Positivity: Afualo critiques the commercialization and limitations of body positivity, especially for women of color and plus-size women.
- Personal Journey: She shares her struggles with body image, societal standards, and how embracing body neutrality has freed her to focus on more meaningful aspects of life.
- Practical Tips: The book suggests shifting self-talk away from appearance and toward gratitude for what your body does, and resisting the urge to conform to patriarchal beauty standards.
8. What myths about women and relationships does Drew Afualo debunk in "Loud"?
- "Leftover Women": Afualo dismantles the idea that single women past a certain age are undesirable or have “missed their chance.”
- "You Can Fix Him": She argues against the belief that women are responsible for changing or saving problematic men.
- "Girls Are Drama": The book exposes how this trope is used to pit women against each other and discourage female solidarity.
- "Men Are Natural Leaders": Afualo challenges the notion that men are inherently better at business or leadership, highlighting the value of women’s labor and ambition.
9. How does Drew Afualo use humor and "being mean" as tools for empowerment in "Loud"?
- Humor as Resistance: Afualo uses sharp wit and humor to call out misogynists, both online and in real life, turning ridicule back on those who perpetuate harm.
- Redefining "Mean": She reframes being called “mean” or a “bitch” as a sign of healthy boundary-setting and self-respect, not a character flaw.
- Safety and Strategy: The book discusses when and how to assert yourself, including practical advice for dealing with different types of men (scary guys, “nice guys,” etc.).
- Inspiration from Family: Afualo credits her mother’s assertiveness and advocacy as a model for using “meanness” to stand up for herself and others.
10. What role does family and Samoan culture play in Drew Afualo’s perspective in "Loud"?
- Matriarchal Influence: Afualo’s Samoan upbringing, especially the strong women in her family, shaped her views on gender roles, partnership, and leadership.
- Community and Celebration: She describes the importance of extended family, cultural celebrations, and the value of togetherness in her development.
- Challenging Stereotypes: Afualo uses her family’s example to challenge Western patriarchal norms and highlight alternative models of partnership and support.
- Intersectionality: Her experiences as a Samoan, plus-size, and outspoken woman inform her intersectional approach to feminism and advocacy.
11. How does "Loud" by Drew Afualo address the topic of motherhood and the right to choose?
- Personal Choice: Afualo shares her own decision not to have children, challenging the societal expectation that all women should aspire to motherhood.
- Breaking Taboos: She discusses the stigma and shame attached to women who don’t want kids, and the importance of respecting all choices.
- Reproductive Autonomy: The book affirms the right to abortion and bodily autonomy, sharing Afualo’s own experience with a pregnancy scare.
- Expanding Family Definitions: Afualo highlights the value of chosen family, auntie roles, and nontraditional forms of care and legacy.
12. What are the best quotes from "Loud" by Drew Afualo and what do they mean?
- “Fuck misogynistic men forever.” – A bold dedication that sets the tone for the book’s unapologetic stance against patriarchy.
- “You will always be better off alone than guilted into a partnership with someone who you’re not totally set on out of fear that there simply isn’t enough time left for you in life to go after whatever, and whomever, you truly want.” – Encourages readers to reject settling and trust in their own worth.
- “The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” – Quoting Audre Lorde, Afualo reminds us that we can’t use patriarchal tactics to achieve liberation.
- “There’s no such thing as ‘lesser’ work when it comes to building a family and being a good partner—it’s all important.” – Challenges traditional gender roles and values all forms of labor.
- “Learning how to love yourself—like, truly love yourself—is not easy. In fact, it might be one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. But look, there’s only one person you’ll be with from the moment you are born until the moment you die—yourself. Give yourself a chance.” – Summarizes the book’s core message of self-love and self-advocacy.
Review Summary
Loud receives mostly positive reviews, with readers praising Drew Afualo's empowering feminist message and relatable writing style. Many appreciate her personal stories and advice for young women. Critics find the book repetitive and elementary for older readers. Some highlight its value for teens and young adults in understanding feminism and self-worth. The audiobook narrated by Afualo is particularly well-received. Overall, fans of Afualo's online content enjoy the book's blend of memoir, self-help, and feminist manifesto.
Similar Books
Download PDF
Download EPUB
.epub digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.
