Love is a Story

1. Love is a story we create and live by

We are often told we have to be realistic—to separate the stories we tell ourselves from what's actually going on, to distinguish fact from fiction.

Stories shape reality. Our perceptions of love and relationships are filtered through the stories we tell ourselves. These stories are not merely passive reflections of reality, but active shapers of our experiences. They influence how we interpret our partner's actions, what we expect from relationships, and how we behave within them.

Personal fictions become truths. The stories we create about our relationships become self-fulfilling prophecies. If we believe our partner is untrustworthy, we may interpret innocent actions as suspicious, leading to real trust issues. Conversely, if our story is one of mutual growth and support, we're more likely to see challenges as opportunities for strengthening the relationship.

Key elements of love stories:

• Plot: What happens in the relationship
• Theme: The underlying meaning or lesson
• Characters: How we perceive ourselves and our partners

2. Multiple love stories coexist within us

Typically, each of us has multiple stories about love, not just one.

Complexity of human emotions. Our understanding of love is not monolithic. We carry within us various, sometimes conflicting, narratives about what love should be. These stories can be influenced by past experiences, cultural influences, and personal ideals.

Hierarchy of stories. While we may have multiple love stories, they often exist in a hierarchy. Some stories are more dominant or preferred than others. This hierarchy can shift over time or in different contexts, leading to changes in our relationship preferences or behaviors.

Sources of multiple stories:

• Childhood experiences
• Past relationships
• Media and cultural narratives
• Personal growth and self-reflection

3. Asymmetrical stories shape relationship dynamics

Asymmetrical stories are founded on the idea that asymmetry (or complementary behavior) between partners should be the basis of an intimate relationship.

Power dynamics in relationships. Asymmetrical stories often involve unequal power distribution between partners. This can manifest in various forms, such as one partner taking on a teaching role while the other is the student, or one partner making sacrifices while the other benefits.

Complementary roles. These stories work when both partners are comfortable with their assigned roles. However, they can lead to resentment or feelings of inequality if one partner feels trapped in their role or if the power imbalance becomes too extreme.

Examples of asymmetrical stories:

• Teacher-student story
• Sacrifice story
• Government story
• Police story

4. Object stories view partners or relationships as means to an end

In object stories, either persons or relationships become valued not for themselves, but for their functioning as objects.

Objectification in relationships. These stories involve seeing a partner or the relationship itself as a means to achieve something else, rather than valuing them intrinsically. This can lead to a lack of genuine connection or empathy between partners.

Potential for exploitation. Object stories can result in one partner feeling used or undervalued. They may also prevent the development of deep, meaningful connections as the focus remains on what can be gained from the relationship rather than mutual growth and understanding.

Types of object stories:

• Science-fiction story (valuing partner for their oddness)
• Collection story (partner as part of a larger collection)
• Art story (valuing physical appearance)
• House and home story (relationship as means to create a home)
• Recovery story (relationship as means to heal)

5. Coordination stories emphasize working together

In coordination stories, love is viewed as evolving as partners work together to create or maintain something.

Collaborative approach to love. These stories focus on the idea of partners working together towards common goals. They emphasize cooperation, shared responsibility, and mutual growth.

Building something together. Coordination stories often involve the creation or maintenance of something tangible or intangible that represents the relationship. This shared project can provide a sense of purpose and unity for the couple.

Examples of coordination stories:

• Travel story (relationship as a journey)
• Sewing and knitting story (crafting the relationship together)
• Garden story (nurturing the relationship)
• Business story (relationship as a joint venture)

6. Narrative stories follow external prescriptions

In narrative stories, the partners believe there is some kind of real or imagined text, which exists outside the relationship but which is prescriptive in many ways of how the relationship should proceed.

External guidance for relationships. These stories rely on pre-existing narratives or guidelines for how relationships should unfold. Partners may look to fairy tales, historical accounts, scientific principles, or step-by-step recipes to shape their relationship.

Potential for rigidity. While narrative stories can provide structure and guidance, they may also limit flexibility and spontaneity in relationships. Partners may struggle when their experiences don't align with the prescribed narrative.

Types of narrative stories:

• Fantasy story (fairy tale romance)
• History story (past as guideline for present)
• Science story (applying scientific principles to love)
• Cookbook story (following a recipe for relationship success)

7. Genre stories focus on specific modes of interaction

In genre stories, the mode or way of being in the relationship is key to the existence and maintenance of the relationship.

Dominant relationship themes. These stories are characterized by a specific mode of interaction that defines the relationship. The chosen genre becomes the lens through which partners view and engage with each other.

Potential for intensity and imbalance. While genre stories can add excitement or structure to a relationship, they may also lead to imbalances or difficulties if one partner is more invested in the chosen genre than the other.

Examples of genre stories:

• War story (relationship as constant conflict)
• Theater story (partners playing roles)
• Humor story (relationship centered on lightheartedness)
• Mystery story (maintaining an air of intrigue)

8. Understanding our love stories can transform relationships

To understand our love story fully, we need to appreciate how it fits into the total context of our lives.

Self-awareness as a tool. Recognizing our own love stories and those of our partners can provide valuable insights into relationship dynamics. This understanding can help identify sources of conflict, areas for growth, and potential compatibility issues.

Potential for change. Once we become aware of our love stories, we have the power to reshape them. This can lead to more fulfilling relationships as we align our stories with our true values and needs.

Benefits of understanding love stories:

• Improved communication
• Better conflict resolution
• Increased empathy for partner's perspective
• Ability to consciously shape relationship dynamics

9. Cultural context influences our love stories

The stories we tell are unique prototypes—appropriate for our particular time and place.

Societal shaping of love narratives. Our cultural context plays a significant role in determining which love stories are acceptable or desirable. Societal norms, media representations, and historical traditions all contribute to shaping our personal love stories.

Evolving narratives. As societies change, so do acceptable love stories. What was once considered an ideal relationship may be viewed differently in a new cultural context. This evolution can create tension between traditional and modern love narratives.

Factors influencing cultural love stories:

• Historical traditions
• Media representations
• Religious beliefs
• Economic systems
• Social movements

10. Love stories evolve and can be reshaped over time

Stories as they play themselves out in relationships change over time, for better or for worse.

Dynamic nature of relationships. Our love stories are not static; they evolve as we grow and change. This evolution can lead to stronger, more mature relationships or to growing incompatibility if partners' stories diverge significantly.

Conscious story reshaping. Understanding that our love stories can change gives us the power to actively reshape them. This may involve addressing unhealthy patterns, incorporating new experiences, or aligning our stories more closely with our current values and goals.

Factors influencing story evolution:

• Personal growth and experiences
• Changes in life circumstances
• Exposure to new ideas or relationship models
• Conscious effort to change unhealthy patterns

Last updated: November 18, 2024