Managing Narcissists, Blamers, Dramatics and More...

1. Shift Your Mindset: Think and Speak Factually to Manage Difficult Personalities

"To counter the emotional turbulence of difficult personalities, we need to be as factual, unemotional and rational as possible."

Fact-based communication: When dealing with difficult personalities, it's crucial to remain rooted in observable reality. This approach helps maintain calm and clarity in challenging interactions.

FIRE Model: Use the FIRE (Facts, Interpretations, Reactions, Ends) model to separate objective facts from subjective interpretations and emotional reactions. This separation allows for more productive conversations and problem-solving.

Avoid emotional language: Steer clear of:

• The "F-word" (feel)
• Absolute terms like "always," "never," "forever"
• Inflammatory or accusatory language

By focusing on facts, managers can guide difficult personalities towards more analytical and logical ways of thinking, reducing emotional charge and increasing the likelihood of behavioral change.

2. Understand and Manage Dramatics with Redirection

"Dramatics find all kinds of ways to make their voices heard including making incendiary posts on the organization's internal messaging system, gossiping in the breakroom or creating a scene in meetings."

Redirect to facts: When dealing with Dramatics, use the phrase "Just the facts, please" to refocus the conversation on objective reality. This technique prevents them from spiraling into emotional interpretations and reactions.

Repeat as necessary: Be prepared to use redirection multiple times in a single conversation. Consistency in this approach teaches Dramatics that drama won't be tolerated or rewarded.

Set time limits: If redirection isn't working, set a clear time limit for the interaction and ask the Dramatic to return when they can discuss the facts calmly. This boundary-setting helps reinforce the expectation of fact-based communication.

3. Debunk Negative Personalities by Challenging Their Assumptions

"The research shows that when we hear other people blame, we are more likely to blame others."

Use the FIRE Model: Identify the Facts, Interpretations, Reactions, and desired Ends in a Negative Personality's statements. This helps separate objective reality from negative assumptions.

Challenge assumptions: Ask "I'm curious, what facts brought you to that conclusion?" This question gently exposes the lack of factual evidence behind negative interpretations.

Find contrary evidence: Help Negative Personalities identify examples that contradict their negative beliefs. This process can lead to more balanced and realistic perspectives.

Key steps in managing Negative Personalities:

1. Establish the supposedly negative event
2. Ask for facts supporting their conclusion
3. Explore the consequences of their negative beliefs
4. Seek contrary evidence
5. Have them rewrite their assumptions based on new evidence

4. Redirect Blamers to Focus on What They Can Control

"Let's discuss what we CAN control."

Understand blame: Recognize that blame is different from excuses. Blame targets a person, while excuses target a thing. Blame is more damaging to organizational culture and can be socially contagious.

Use redirection: When a Blamer tries to deflect responsibility, use the phrase "Let's discuss what we CAN control" to refocus the conversation on actionable items within their influence.

Repeat as necessary: Be prepared to use this redirection technique multiple times until the Blamer gets the message that blame won't be tolerated. Consistency in this approach can lead to long-term behavioral change.

5. Transform Problem Bringers into Problem Solvers

"What's your plan for solving this issue?"

Shift the dynamic: Move from a Parent/Child relationship to an Adult/Adult relationship with employees. This encourages independence and problem-solving skills.

Ask the key question: When an employee brings you a problem, respond with "What's your plan for solving this issue?" This question:

• Encourages critical thinking
• Promotes initiative
• Fosters proactivity

Be patient: Initially, this approach may take more time than solving problems yourself. However, it leads to more self-sufficient employees and fewer problems brought to you in the long run.

6. Guide Overly Sensitive Personalities to Recognize Their Potential

"I know you have much more potential than you're using. You might not even see this potential in yourself, but I see it."

Understand the cause: Overly Sensitive Personalities often have low self-confidence and a strong external locus of control, making them hypervigilant to criticism.

Use a gentle approach: Start conversations by acknowledging their potential and expressing confidence in their abilities. This sets a positive tone and reduces defensiveness.

Key steps in the Overly Sensitive Personality Script:

1. Highlight their potential
2. Specify areas for improvement within the context of their capabilities
3. Frame underperformance as a lack of attention rather than innate inability
4. Encourage "mastery thinking" focused on learning and improvement

7. Assert Boundaries with Advantage-Takers Through Firm, Kind Refusal

"I hear this is important to you."

Recognize Advantage-Takers: These individuals exploit others' good nature, often thriving in competitive environments. They may try to manipulate you into carrying their workload or breaking rules.

Use the four-step refusal process:

1. Show empathy: "I hear this is important to you"
2. Say "No" clearly and concisely
3. Don't apologize for refusing
4. Own your decision: Use "I won't" instead of "I can't"

Practice assertiveness: Saying "No" may feel uncomfortable at first, but it's crucial for maintaining boundaries and preventing exploitation. With practice, it becomes easier and more natural.

8. Help the Confidently Incompetent Recognize Their Limitations

"The knowledge and intelligence that are required to be good at a task are often the same qualities needed to recognize that one is not good at that task—and if one lacks such knowledge and intelligence, one remains ignorant that one is not good at that task."

Understand the Dunning-Kruger Effect: This cognitive bias causes incompetent individuals to overestimate their abilities due to a lack of self-awareness.

Use the Confidently Incompetent Script:

1. Ask them to define excellence in their role
2. Have them describe how they'd correct poor performance
3. Request a self-evaluation of their current performance

Guide self-discovery: The goal is to help the Confidently Incompetent person recognize their own limitations without direct confrontation, which could lead to defensiveness.

9. Leverage Narcissists' Insecurities to Improve Their Behavior

"I was surprised that with your brilliant track record that you'd expose yourself to attacks of sloppiness by not doing those really simple reports."

Understand Narcissists: They have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and crave excessive admiration. Direct confrontation about their narcissism is likely to fail.

Use the Narcissist Script:

1. Compliment their track record while pointing out a recent mistake
2. Appeal to their perfectionism and fear of others' judgment
3. Highlight missed opportunities for admiration
4. (If necessary) Emphasize the impact on the team

Leverage their traits: Use the Narcissist's paranoia, envy, insecurity, and perfectionism to guide them towards better behavior without directly attacking their narcissism.

10. Address Talented Terrors with Direct, Fact-Based Communication

"Company policy states that your responsibility is to fulfill your work commitments on time. However, I just went into a meeting with Client X without the information I needed because I didn't have your work."

Identify Talented Terrors: These are highly skilled individuals with terrible attitudes who have resisted previous management attempts.

Use the Talented Terror Script:

1. Get straight to the point about performance issues
2. Speak objectively, using only facts
3. Avoid absolute language (e.g., "always," "never")
4. Stay calm and composed throughout the interaction

Maintain professionalism: Remember that Talented Terrors are skilled at manipulation. By sticking to facts and remaining calm, you can effectively address their behavior without falling into their traps.

Last updated: August 12, 2024