I Hear You

1. Listening is More Than Just Hearing: Validation is Key

Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.

Beyond the surface. True connection requires more than just passively listening to someone's words. It involves actively seeking to understand their emotions and experiences. People crave to be truly heard, which means feeling understood, accepted, and appreciated. This deeper level of connection is achieved through validation, which goes beyond simply acknowledging what someone says to affirming the worth and validity of their feelings.

The power of validation. Validation is the secret ingredient that transforms ordinary listening into extraordinary connection. It's about showing someone that you not only hear their words but also understand and accept their emotional state. This creates a sense of safety and trust, allowing for deeper and more meaningful relationships.

Validation in relationships. In romantic relationships, validation is critical for building healthy, satisfying connections. Studies show that couples who learn to validate and support each other have significantly happier and longer-lasting marriages. This involves turning towards each other's bids for connection, showing interest in and affirming the worth of their partner's comments, requests, or emotions.

2. Validation: Identifying and Justifying Emotions

Essentially, validation means saying to someone, “I hear you. I get what you’re feeling, and it’s perfectly alright to feel that way.”

Two components of validation. Effective validation consists of two key elements: identifying a specific emotion and offering justification for feeling that emotion. This means not only recognizing what someone is feeling but also understanding why they feel that way. For example, instead of just saying "I understand you're worried," you might say, "I understand you're worried, especially since you haven't heard from her in hours."

The impact of validation. Research has shown that validation can have a profound impact on emotional regulation. In one study, participants who received validating responses to their stress showed a significantly lower stress response compared to those who received invalidating responses. This highlights the power of validation in helping people manage their emotions and cope with difficult situations.

Invalidating responses. Invalidating responses, on the other hand, minimize or dismiss another person's feelings. These responses, often born out of good intentions, can actually make a difficult situation worse. Examples of invalidating responses include telling someone to "stop worrying," "it could be worse," or "just put a smile on your face." These comments invalidate the other person's experience and can lead to feelings of shame, isolation, and disconnection.

3. Empathy: The Foundation of Genuine Connection

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?

Understanding and sharing feelings. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. It involves putting yourself in their shoes and feeling what they are feeling. Empathy is essential for building genuine connections and providing effective validation.

Empathy vs. Sympathy. Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy is a feeling of care or concern for another person, while empathy is feeling the pain with them. Sympathy is standing on the outside of a situation, looking in, while empathy is stepping into the situation and feeling the emotion.

Developing empathy. Developing empathy is a skill that can be learned and cultivated. Some tips for developing empathy include:

• Get curious: Ask questions to understand the other person's background and perspective.
• Look at them: Take a moment to truly see the person across from you on a deeper level.
• Imagine them as a child: Consider how you would feel if you looked over and saw a four-year-old standing there with fear, shame, and embarrassment visible on his face.
• Learn to identify your own emotions: You can’t feel empathy for another person if you don’t know how they’re feeling.
• Quit judging your own emotions: In order to have empathy for others, you need to identify and accept their emotions without judgment.

4. Step 1: Listen Empathically - Give Your Full Attention

One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say.

The first step. Before you can validate someone, you must first understand how they are feeling. This starts with listening, but also requires you to look beyond the words they speak and identify the emotions they express. This is known as empathic listening.

Key principles of empathic listening:

• Give your full attention: Minimize distractions and focus on the person speaking.
• Invite them to open up: Create a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings.
• Be observant: Pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.
• Match their energy: Reflect their emotional state to show that you understand.
• Offer micro validation: Use short comments to affirm their feelings and encourage them to continue sharing.
• Don't try to fix it: Resist the urge to offer advice or solutions unless they ask for it.

The power of presence. Giving someone your undivided attention is a rare and valuable gift. It shows them that you care about them and that their thoughts and feelings matter to you. This creates a sense of safety and trust, allowing for deeper and more meaningful connection.

5. Step 2: Validate the Emotion - Show You Understand

The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.

Direct validation. Once there's a pause in the conversation or the other person is done sharing, move onto step 2 by offering more direct validation. This involves acknowledging or giving worth to the other person's comments or emotions.

Key principles of validating their emotion:

• Still don't try to fix it: Continue to resist the urge to offer advice or solutions.
• You don't have to agree to validate: You can validate someone's feelings even if you don't agree with their perspective.
• Not sure what they're feeling? Ask: If you're having a difficult time figuring out what the other person is feeling, just ask.
• If you can relate, let them know: Sharing your own experiences can strengthen your validation and foster greater trust and connection.
• If you can't relate, let them know: Acknowledging that you haven't been in their shoes can be incredibly validating.
• Tell the truth: Resist the urge to lie to make someone feel better.

The importance of honesty. Maintaining honesty and sincerity in your validation not only improves its effectiveness but also increases trust in the relationship. If your friend always told you you did a great job, even when it was obvious that you didn’t, you would learn to disregard his compliments.

6. Step 3: Offer Advice or Encouragement (If Appropriate)

Whenever you have truth it must be given with love, or the message and the messenger will be rejected.

Optional step. Offering feedback or advice is entirely optional. Perhaps someone has shared an exciting or proud moment, or perhaps you simply have no advice to give. Validation is healing in and of itself. It is not always necessary or appropriate to give advice.

Key principles of giving feedback:

• Avoid giving unsolicited feedback: Just because someone is sharing a difficult experience doesn't mean they are looking for advice.
• Lead with a validating statement: Even though you just offered validation in step 2, prefacing your feedback with one more validating statement will reiterate the fact that you've heard them and are connected with their experience.
• Use "and" instead of "but": Doing so will help you avoid inadvertently negating your validation, comments, etc.
• Lead with "I" instead of "You": Using "I" underscores the fact that you are sharing your perspective or opinion. It also lessens the likelihood that the recipient will become defensive.
• Avoid Absolutes: When giving difficult feedback, replace absolute terms such as "always" and "never" with softer (and often more accurate) alternatives such as "often" or "rarely."

The power of permission. Asking permission before sharing your opinion shows respect for the other person, their emotions, and the fact that they are smart and capable in their own right. If they do give you permission to offer feedback, they are far more likely to listen with an open mind—even if it ends up being difficult to hear.

7. Step 4: Validate Again - Reinforce Understanding

Be generous with encouragement. It is verbal sunshine; it warms hearts, costs nothing, and enriches lives.

The final step. Whether the other person has shared a positive or a negative experience, it's good practice to wrap the conversation up with one final validating comment. Doing so reminds the other person that, despite everything that may have been said, you still hear and understand them.

Key principles of validating again:

• Re-validate the emotion: Whether you've given advice in step 3 or not, work in one final bit of validation at the end of the conversation.
• Validate the vulnerability: Sharing personal thoughts, experiences, or emotions can be difficult, uncomfortable, and even scary. If someone opens up to you, thank them for it and validate the fact that doing so can be quite difficult.

The importance of vulnerability. When someone shares a personal experience or emotion with you, they make themselves emotionally vulnerable. They open up in a way that is often uncomfortable in the hope that you will be respectful and understanding. This vulnerability is crucial for developing strong, healthy relationships because it allows us to see past the façades and connect with people on a more authentic and personal level.

8. Common Validation Mistakes: What to Avoid

Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.

Validation is not just for negative emotions. Validation is just as beneficial in supporting positive emotions. In fact, research has shown that the ability to validate the positive experiences of others can drastically improve connection and satisfaction in a relationship.

You can't validate if you don't agree. You can validate any emotion in any situation as long as you understand the other person’s perspective. While it may not seem like it at first, most people’s reactions (even the seemingly irrational ones) make perfect sense once you truly understand where that person is coming from.

Validation is not simply repeating what the other person says. Effective validation requires empathy and emotional understanding, and therefore extends beyond simple reflective listening. We need to do more than just show others we hear the words they are speaking; we need to show them we’re connecting with the emotions they’re feeling.

Last updated: February 10, 2025