Me vs Brain

1. Living with an Overthinking Brain Personified

The voice comes from inside my head, but it isn’t me. It’s Brain.

An internal flatmate. The author personifies her overthinking and anxiety as "Brain," a distinct entity living rent-free in her head, constantly offering negative commentary, doubts, and distractions. Brain is portrayed as scatty, annoying, and often wrong, creating a constant internal dialogue that makes simple tasks and major life decisions challenging.

Brain's constant chatter. This internal voice pipes up throughout the day, offering observations ranging from mundane worries to bleak pronouncements. It questions self-worth, predicts negative outcomes, and fixates on perceived flaws, making it difficult for the author to feel calm or confident in everyday life.

A challenging relationship. Brain is not a friend but more like an intrusive flatmate who uses the author's resources (her mind) without permission and causes mischief. The author humorously contemplates removing Brain surgically, highlighting the desire to escape the relentless noise and negativity that defines her overthinking.

2. Navigating the Constant Barrage of Intrusive Thoughts

Every day, from morning to night, I would hear a voice that didn’t belong to me narrating my every move.

The Voiceover begins. Starting in childhood, the author experienced intrusive thoughts, initially called "The Voiceover," which narrated her actions and suggested terrifying scenarios. These thoughts were distinct from her own and often involved imagining worst-case outcomes, like parents dying or causing accidents.

Terrifying suggestions. As she grew older, these intrusive thoughts escalated, suggesting dangerous or absurd actions in various situations.

• Imagining tripping and falling face-first into glass while waitressing.
• Being told to swerve off a cliff edge while driving.
• Hearing suggestions to drop a baby or kiss a lecturer.

Understanding intrusive thoughts. The author discovers that these thoughts are common and are the brain's way of trying to protect by imagining dangers, rather than reflecting true desires. Recognizing them as just thoughts, not commands or premonitions, becomes a crucial step in managing them and reclaiming agency from "Brain."

3. The Lifelong Struggle with Body Image and Self-Perception

The relationship I have with my body has changed a lot over the years, but the one thing that has stayed consistent is the fact that Brain has always found fault with my body.

Constant criticism. Brain relentlessly criticizes the author's physical appearance, pointing out perceived flaws like arm size, cellulite, stomach shape, and breast size. This internal negativity makes looking in mirrors or choosing clothes a stressful experience, often leading to feelings of inadequacy.

Acne as a major battle. Cystic acne was a significant source of distress for years, feeling like a "sadistic drill sergeant" dictating her routine and self-worth. The author describes the physical pain, the emotional toll, and the elaborate make-up routines used to cover up perceived imperfections, highlighting the societal pressure to have clear skin.

Finding acceptance. Over time, the author learns to challenge Brain's criticisms and accept her body, including acne and later wrinkles, as part of her journey. She realizes that societal beauty standards are fleeting and that her body is a vessel for experiencing life, not just an accessory to be judged.

4. Embracing Awkwardness in Social Situations

Whenever I’ve organised to meet someone at a café, restaurant, pub or any other indoor venue, ideally I need them to meet me at the door and hold my hand as I enter.

The fear of entering rooms. The simple act of walking into a public space alone to meet someone triggers intense anxiety and self-consciousness. The author imagines everyone is staring and judging her, fearing she looks pathetic or has been stood up, even though this has never happened.

Developing coping strategies. To manage this fear, the author devises humorous and sometimes absurd strategies for different social scenarios.

• Entering a pub for a date: Get drunk beforehand.
• Entering a café to meet a friend: Wear sunglasses and pretend to be engrossed in her phone, or hide in the toilet.
• Entering a bar for work friends: Text a "safety pal" and pretend to have eye issues.
• Entering a restaurant for a partner's family: Suggest breaking up with the partner for making her go alone.

Small talk struggles. Initiating conversations with new people is another source of anxiety, fueled by Brain's chatter about having nothing interesting to say. The author offers "safe conversation starters" like complimenting a jacket or asking how long a group has known each other, highlighting the universal awkwardness of small talk.

5. Relationships, Dating, and the Body's Conflicting Desires

As it stands, no man has quite measured up to what it is I’m looking for, though my list is surprisingly quite short.

A committee of desires. When it comes to dating and relationships, the author's decision-making process is complicated by the conflicting desires of her Heart (romance, settling down), Uterus (babies, good genes), and Vagina (immediate physical attraction). This internal committee makes choosing a partner a complex negotiation.

Dating app dilemmas. Using dating apps like Hinge becomes an internal reality show where Heart, Uterus, and Vagina vet potential partners based on their specific criteria. The author humorously describes the process of widening her search criteria and the internal debate over each profile, highlighting the different priorities her body parts have.

Sex and the overthinking mind. Even during intimate moments, Brain's chatter persists, focusing on self-consciousness, hygiene worries, and distracting thoughts about chores or spiders. The author finds it difficult to be fully present, leading her to suggest "sex positions for anxious people" that incorporate humor, distraction, or simply prioritizing sleep over performance.

6. The Pervasive Grip of Health Anxiety

My first brush with death is in my first year of university.

Misinterpreting physical sensations. The author frequently experiences intense health anxiety, misinterpreting normal bodily sensations or minor symptoms as signs of serious illness or impending death. A tight chest becomes a heart attack, a headache becomes a brain tumor, leading to panic and unnecessary trips to the hospital.

Doctor Brain's unreliable diagnoses. Brain takes on the persona of "Doctor Brain" during these episodes, offering dramatic and often fatalistic diagnoses based on quick, unreliable online searches. This internal voice fuels the anxiety, urging the author to panic or seek immediate medical attention for perceived emergencies.

Learning to manage anxiety. Through experiences like a panic attack mistaken for a heart attack and constant worries about various ailments, the author eventually receives a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. This understanding, along with strategies like deep breathing and therapy, helps her begin to manage the overwhelming fear and distinguish between genuine symptoms and anxiety-induced sensations.

7. Confronting the Embarrassing Realities of Bodily Functions

Farting is a universal fact of human existence.

The shame of natural processes. Despite knowing that bodily functions like farting and pooping are normal, the author experiences intense embarrassment surrounding them, particularly in social or romantic contexts. This highlights the societal taboo around these natural acts.

Poop-related childhood trauma. Childhood struggles with wiping led to embarrassing incidents, including flooding the house and being publicly called out by a teacher's daughter years later. This early trauma contributed to a long-standing anxiety around pooping, especially when trying to conceal it from partners.

Strategies for concealment. The author humorously details elaborate methods for hiding farts, like coughing loudly ("The Distractor") or using toilet paper as a "Butt Muffler." She also recounts a stressful holiday where she went days without pooping to maintain the illusion that "girls don't poop," illustrating the extreme lengths she went to avoid embarrassment.

8. Finding and Accepting Identity Through Life's Stages

I stare into the fabric mess of my wardrobe and feel a tension building in the back of my head as I desperately try to choose an outfit.

Wardrobe of past selves. The author's wardrobe is a physical representation of her struggle with identity, filled with clothes from various phases of her life inspired by fleeting trends or desired personas. Choosing an outfit becomes a battle with Brain, who criticizes her choices and questions her sense of self.

Exploring different identities. Throughout her life, the author tries on different identities, from aspiring dancer and pop star to broadcast journalist, beauty intern, banana farmer, and Disney World barmaid. Each phase is marked by a distinct "uniform" or lifestyle, reflecting a search for where she belongs and who she is meant to be.

Acceptance and joy. The author finds her most fulfilling identity when she starts making comedy videos, embracing her authentic self and finding joy in her work. She realizes that finding yourself takes time and that pursuing what sparks excitement, even if it involves dressing up as body parts, is a valid path to happiness and self-acceptance.

9. Processing Grief and Loss in Unexpected Ways

On 13th April 2021, my dad died. I was utterly fucking broken by the news.

The shock of early dementia. The author recounts the devastating diagnosis of aggressive dementia in her father at a relatively young age. This marked the beginning of a period of anticipatory grief, mourning the loss of his personality and the person she knew while he was still alive.

Witnessing decline. Living with her father during his illness, the author witnesses the cruel progression of the disease, which stripped away his personality and control over his emotions. She shares poignant and sometimes humorous anecdotes that highlight the changes in his behavior and the family's struggle to cope.

Navigating grief after death. The author describes the profound shock and pain following her father's death, despite the years of illness. She reflects on the lack of guidance on how to grieve and contrasts traditional models with her own messy, non-linear experience, which included moments of hardiness, anger, laughter, and eventual acceptance.

10. Using Humor as a Coping Mechanism

If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.

Finding humor in anxiety. The author consistently uses humor to process and articulate her anxieties, overthinking, and embarrassing experiences. Personifying her brain, detailing absurd intrusive thoughts, and exaggerating social awkwardness allows her to find levity in stressful situations.

Laughing through difficult times. Humor is presented as a vital coping mechanism, particularly in the face of challenging life events like her father's dementia and her own health anxiety. The family adopts the mantra "If you don't laugh, you'll cry," using shared jokes and funny anecdotes to navigate the pain of his illness.

Relatability through shared awkwardness. By openly sharing her most embarrassing moments – from childhood poop incidents and puberty lies to adult waxing mishaps and presentation failures – the author creates a sense of shared human experience. Her willingness to laugh at herself makes her struggles relatable and encourages readers to find humor in their own imperfections and anxieties.

Last updated: May 16, 2025