Things No One Taught Us About Love

1. Love Starts Within: The Journey to Healthy Relationships Begins with Self-Love

But first, you must return to where love lives – in the sanctuary of your own heart.

Internal foundation. The most fulfilling relationships are built upon a foundation of self-love. Before seeking connection with others, it's crucial to cultivate a deep appreciation and understanding of oneself. This involves recognizing your worth, tending to your emotional needs, and valuing your time and energy.

Self-love is not selfish. It's a necessary prerequisite for healthy relationships. When you love yourself, you're not looking to others to complete you or fill a void. Instead, you're able to enter into relationships from a place of wholeness and independence. This allows you to enjoy another person as they are, loving them purely and deeply.

Practical self-love. Cultivating self-love can take many forms, including:

• Prioritizing rest and relaxation
• Pursuing passions and hobbies
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Practicing positive self-talk
• Seeking therapy or counseling

By consistently nurturing yourself, you create a reservoir of love that overflows into your relationships with others.

2. Relationships are Built, Not Found: Compatibility Requires Effort and Understanding

Love is being, relationships are doing.

Love vs. relationship. It's important to distinguish between love as an internal state of being and relationships as external states of doing. Love is the feeling, the connection, the warmth. Relationships are the actions, the choices, the commitments that translate that love into a shared reality.

Effort is essential. Lasting relationships require layers of compatibility, attraction, understanding, and hard work. It's not enough to simply "fall in love." You must actively cultivate the relationship through communication, compromise, and a willingness to grow together.

The garden analogy. A relationship is like a garden that two people decide to nurture. Both people dedicate their time, effort, and attention to it, and as the garden thrives, so does the experience of love. This requires regular tending, weeding, and watering to ensure the plants flourish.

3. Authentic Love Gives, Attachment Needs: Freedom and Trust are Essential for Growth

Authentic love gives, attachment needs.

Attachment vs. love. Attachment, in a spiritual sense, is about clinging to impermanent things and people, leading to suffering. Authentic love, on the other hand, is about giving without the need to control or possess. It's about caring without trying to dictate outcomes.

The double-edged sword. Attachment can be a double-edged sword, necessary for forming bonds but also capable of causing pain. The key is to find a balance between connection and freedom, fostering secure relationships without bondage.

Non-attached love. In committed relationships, non-attached love means accepting each person as they are, celebrating differences as much as commonalities. It's about letting go of control and giving each other space to be yourselves, allowing the relationship to grow in healthy ways.

4. Ego vs. Essence: Rising Above the "Story of Me" to Radiate True Love

Real love rises above the ego.

The ego's shadow. The ego, or "the story of me," can be a major barrier to love. It's the part of us that is learned and conditioned, the part that seeks validation and fears vulnerability. When we're identified with our ego, we project our insecurities and unmet needs onto relationships, creating drama and suffering.

The radiant self. Beneath the ego lies our true essence, a core of pure, radiating love and awareness. This is the part of us that is sun-like, shining on everything without judgment. It's the part that recognizes our intrinsic connection to all living beings.

Rising above the ego. By rising above the image that our mind has created about ourselves, we can uncover our true nature – a Self of unconditional love. This allows us to reduce the shadow of the ego and live from a space of authenticity and compassion.

5. Unconditional Love with Boundaries: Protecting Your Well-being While Loving Deeply

Unconditional love isn’t a binding contract.

Love is not a contract. Unconditional love doesn't mean committing to someone forever, regardless of their behavior. It's not a contract with a due date or an expiry date. It has a timeless quality and exists in the present moment.

Conditions in relationships. While we can commit to loving someone unconditionally, we can still recognize when their love comes with conditions and expectations. This suggests a fundamental mismatch in how you both feel and express love, indicating that the relationship may no longer be the right fit.

Boundaries are essential. Even though love might be boundless energy, human beings have limits, so our relationships must have boundaries that we stick to in order to protect our time, space, and energy. We must clearly communicate our needs and expectations for the sake of the relationship and to make sure our unconditional love doesn’t encourage unconditional tolerance.

6. From "Falling" to "Rising": Cultivating Love as an Active, Conscious Choice

I prefer to call it ‘rising in love’ rather than ‘falling’, as we soar to new heights of our potential within a warm, loving relationship.

The passive myth. The idea of "falling in love" suggests that love randomly happens to us, like an accident. Yet love has been here since the dawn of time. It is woven into our existence. Love has its home in the central, simple joy of just being what we are, as we are.

Active cultivation. Replacing "falling in love" with "rising in love" shifts our mindset from a passive process that makes us vulnerable to an active process that empowers the experience and the connection. Rising in love emphasizes the growth and discovery within oneself and with a partner.

Higher perspectives. Higher perspectives open as we rise. The breathtaking view quiets our minds. We sit contentedly, hands linked, taking in how far we’ve come. Before tackling the next stretch, we secure our bond for the shared adventure ahead.

7. The Mirror of Partnership: Seeing Yourself Through the Reflection of Your Partner

Turn your magnifying glass into a mirror.

Spiritual reflection. A romantic partner can be a mirror showing you your spiritual reflection. They reflect back traits you may struggle to see clearly in yourself. Through this mirroring, your loved one offers you tremendous potential for growth and self-discovery, if you have the courage to look.

Unlearning. Much of what they can show you is really an unlearning. It's about recognizing and releasing old patterns and beliefs that no longer serve you.

Facing unmet needs. Relationships magnify the missing pieces of our emotional puzzle, pieces a partner cannot fit for us. After all, they have their own jigsaw to solve. While a partner may see and experience the vast landscape of your personality, they get the bad with the good.

8. Vulnerability as Strength: Embracing Authenticity to Foster Deeper Connections

When you have two people willing to be vulnerable, a magical safety between you occurs.

The power of exposure. We're often encouraged to protect ourselves, but true connection requires vulnerability. It's about daring to show your true self, with all your imperfections and insecurities.

Reciprocal self-disclosure. Vulnerability invites something called reciprocal self-disclosure, which means the mutual sharing of personal information, thoughts or feelings between individuals in a conversation or relationship. When people say they feel close to someone, this is what they usually mean; they’ve built trust, fostered intimacy and strengthened their connection by creating a sense of shared understanding and a deeper level of communication.

Vulnerability with boundaries. Vulnerability also needs boundaries: it’s not about oversharing and leaving yourself totally exposed. You don’t need to hand over the keys to your entire house of suppressed feelings, shameful experiences and unedited internal struggles.

9. Beyond Social Media Goals: Defining Real Relationship Success

Remember, your grass will never get greener by focusing on someone else’s lawn.

The illusion of perfection. Social media often presents a distorted view of relationships, showcasing only the highlights and hiding the struggles. Forming "relationship goals" based solely on these images can lead to unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction.

Real relationship goals. Instead of chasing social media fantasies, focus on building a relationship based on:

• Respect: Treating each other with kindness and consideration
• Intimacy: Fostering emotional and physical closeness
• Communication: Openly sharing thoughts and feelings
• Honesty: Being truthful and authentic with each other

Marriage is not the goal. Society often assumes that marriage is an end goal for everyone, but it's important to remember that marriage is right for some people, but not for everyone. Focus on building a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, regardless of whether it leads to marriage.

10. Letting Go with Grace: Growth Comes with Goodbyes

Some things no longer belong in your life. Let them go and trust that what comes next will be better than what’s just left.

The impermanence of relationships. Relationships are in a constant state of flux, and sometimes they come to an end. It's important to accept this reality and be willing to let go when a relationship is no longer serving your growth or well-being.

Holding on to illusions. When we realize that the person we love isn’t quite right for us, it’s not the truth that hurts; it’s having our illusion destroyed. It’s easy to hold on to the idea of someone, but that’s just a temporary, moving picture.

Growth through goodbyes. Letting go can be painful, but it's often necessary for personal growth. By releasing what no longer serves you, you create space for new and better things to come into your life. Trust that what comes next will be better than what's just left.

Last updated: February 16, 2025