Mind The Gap

1. Unrealistic Expectations Distort Our Sexual Perceptions

There aren’t many areas of science where we have got it so wrong for so long that gross inaccuracy has seeped into our collective psyche, but sex is one of them.

Cultural Misconceptions. Many of our beliefs about sex are shaped by culture, folklore, and media, rather than scientific facts. This leads to unrealistic expectations and dissatisfaction. The pervasive influence of these inaccurate narratives makes it difficult to have a clear understanding of what is normal or achievable in our own sex lives.

Historical baggage. Societal views on sex have been heavily influenced by religion, gender inequality, and fear of sexual urges. These historical perspectives continue to shape our attitudes and expectations, often leading to negative self-perception and judgment. For example, the idea that women should have lower sexual interest or that sex is primarily for procreation.

Challenging the Norm. It's crucial to question and challenge these ingrained misconceptions. Recognizing that many of our beliefs about sex are based on inaccurate or biased information is the first step toward developing a more realistic and fulfilling sexual life. This involves seeking out accurate information, engaging in open conversations, and rejecting societal pressures.

2. Society Shapes Our Sexual Scripts

How we see sex, including what is ‘normal’ and how women are expected to relate to sex, is a moveable feast, depending on the cultural context and dominant views of the time.

Social Norms. Societal expectations, or "sexual scripts," dictate how we should behave during sex. These scripts are heavily gendered and influenced by media, language, and cultural interactions. These scripts often prioritize male pleasure and perpetuate unrealistic ideas about female sexuality.

Impact of Scripts. These scripts can lead to feelings of inadequacy, pressure to perform, and a disconnect from our own desires. For example, the belief that penis-in-vagina sex is "real sex" can limit exploration of other pleasurable activities. Women may feel pressured to fake orgasms to conform to expectations.

Breaking Free. Recognizing and rejecting these unhelpful scripts is essential for reclaiming our sexuality. This involves challenging societal norms, prioritizing our own pleasure, and communicating openly with partners about our needs and desires. It also means being aware of how these scripts intersect with other aspects of our identity, such as race and culture.

3. Relationships: A Crucible for Desire

The truth is that great sex is cultivated, not ever present, but we need to understand how desire works and develop knowledge and skills regarding how to cultivate it.

Relationship Dynamics. The quality of our relationships significantly impacts our sex lives. Factors such as communication, intimacy, and power dynamics can either enhance or hinder sexual satisfaction. A healthy relationship provides a safe and supportive environment for exploring and expressing our sexuality.

Desire Discrepancy. Differences in desire are common in long-term relationships. How couples navigate these discrepancies is crucial for maintaining sexual satisfaction. Open communication, compromise, and a willingness to explore each other's needs are essential.

Cultivating Desire. Great sex is not something that happens spontaneously; it requires effort and cultivation. This involves understanding our own desires, communicating them to our partners, and creating a shared vision for our sexual relationship. It also means prioritizing time and energy for intimacy and connection.

4. The Brain: A Double-Edged Sword in Sex

This quality of being entirely alive in their bodies with no mental interference was the hallmark of great sex.

Mind-Body Connection. Our brains play a crucial role in our sexual experiences. They can either amplify or diminish arousal, pleasure, and desire. The ability to be present and focused during sex is essential for maximizing enjoyment.

Distracting Thoughts. Negative thoughts, self-criticism, and worries can disrupt sexual response. These thoughts often stem from societal pressures, past experiences, and insecurities. Learning to manage these thoughts is crucial for enhancing sexual satisfaction.

Mindfulness. Mindfulness techniques can help us become more aware of our thoughts and sensations during sex. By focusing on the present moment and letting go of judgment, we can enhance arousal, pleasure, and desire. This involves cultivating a non-judgmental awareness of our bodies and our experiences.

5. Responsive Desire: A Valid and Common Experience

It is no longer seen as a problem if women don’t feel like sex spontaneously.

Challenging Spontaneity. The idea that desire should always be spontaneous is a myth. Many women experience responsive desire, where arousal and desire emerge after sexual activity has begun. This is a normal and valid experience.

Receptivity is Key. Being receptive to sexual stimuli is crucial for triggering responsive desire. This involves being open to the possibility of sex, even if we don't initially feel desire. It also means creating a safe and supportive environment where we feel comfortable exploring our sexuality.

Breaking the Cycle. Recognizing and accepting responsive desire can break the cycle of waiting for spontaneous desire and feeling inadequate when it doesn't appear. This involves shifting our focus from the expectation of desire to the experience of arousal and pleasure.

6. Communication: The Cornerstone of Sexual Satisfaction

The key thing here is that having a good sex life is not about always needing to be on the same page, or wanting as much sex as your partner, but the success with which you navigate these differences.

Open Dialogue. Communication is essential for a fulfilling sex life. This includes talking about our desires, needs, and boundaries. It also means being able to discuss any challenges or concerns that arise.

Overcoming Barriers. Many factors can make it difficult to communicate about sex, including shame, embarrassment, and fear of judgment. Creating a safe and supportive environment is crucial for overcoming these barriers. This involves active listening, empathy, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

Negotiation. Sex is a negotiation. It requires ongoing communication and compromise. This involves being able to express our needs and desires, as well as being receptive to our partner's. It also means being able to say no and respecting each other's boundaries.

7. Prioritizing Sex: A Conscious Choice

Sex is more important to us as humans than we often give it credit for.

Making Time. In today's busy world, it's easy for sex to fall off the priority list. However, if we value our sexual relationship, we need to make a conscious effort to prioritize it. This involves scheduling time for intimacy, creating a relaxing environment, and minimizing distractions.

Beyond the Bedroom. Prioritizing sex also means nurturing our relationship outside the bedroom. This involves spending quality time together, engaging in meaningful conversations, and expressing affection. These activities can enhance intimacy and create a stronger foundation for sexual connection.

Challenging the "Shoulds." It's important to challenge the societal belief that sex should happen spontaneously and effortlessly. This belief can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when sex doesn't "just happen." Instead, we need to embrace the idea that sex requires effort and intention.

8. Embrace Change: The Only Constant in Sexuality

The truth is that great sex is cultivated, not ever present, but we need to understand how desire works and develop knowledge and skills regarding how to cultivate it.

Lifelong Journey. Our sexuality is not static; it evolves over time. Changes in our bodies, relationships, and life circumstances can all impact our sexual desires and experiences. Embracing this change is essential for maintaining a fulfilling sex life.

Adaptability. The ability to adapt to these changes is crucial. This involves being open to new experiences, exploring different types of intimacy, and communicating openly with our partners about our evolving needs. It also means being willing to let go of old expectations and embrace new possibilities.

Seeking Support. When faced with significant changes or challenges, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be helpful. A professional can provide guidance, tools, and strategies for navigating these transitions and maintaining sexual well-being.

9. Self-Compassion: The Foundation of Sexual Well-being

The title of this book, Mind The Gap, makes reference to the differences between how we think our sex lives should be (often based on unhelpful comparisons) and how our sex lives actually are, as well as the difference between what we need to know about sex and desire to have great sex and what most of us actually know.

Kindness and Acceptance. Self-compassion is essential for navigating the complexities of sexuality. This involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially when we fall short of our own expectations. It also means recognizing that we are not alone in our struggles.

Challenging Self-Criticism. Self-criticism can be a major barrier to sexual satisfaction. Learning to challenge these negative thoughts and replace them with more compassionate ones is crucial for improving our relationship with our bodies and our sexuality. This involves recognizing that we are worthy of love and pleasure, regardless of our perceived flaws.

Embracing Imperfection. Perfection is an illusion. Embracing our imperfections and accepting ourselves as we are is essential for cultivating self-compassion. This involves letting go of unrealistic expectations and focusing on what we can control: our attitudes, our actions, and our relationships.

Last updated: April 8, 2025