Mom's House, Dad's House

1. Divorce is a transition, not an end: Navigate the emotional stages

The wounding and healing process can be fast or slow, relapses few or many.

Emotional stages. Divorce is a process that unfolds in stages, similar to grieving. These stages include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Understanding these stages can help you navigate the emotional turmoil more effectively.

Healing takes time. It's important to recognize that healing is not linear. You may experience setbacks and moments of intense emotion even years after the divorce. Be patient with yourself and allow time for the healing process.

• Common emotional reactions:
  • Shock and disbelief
  • Anger and resentment
  • Guilt and self-blame
  • Sadness and depression
  • Relief and hope

2. Maintain a businesslike relationship with your ex-spouse for the children's sake

The axiom "Don't mix business with pleasure" usually holds true.

Separate emotions from actions. While it's natural to have strong feelings about your ex-spouse, it's crucial to keep these emotions separate from your interactions regarding the children. Treat your relationship as a business partnership focused on co-parenting.

Establish clear boundaries. Set guidelines for communication and decision-making that respect each other's privacy and autonomy. This might include agreeing on specific times and methods for discussing child-related matters, and avoiding personal topics unrelated to parenting.

• Tips for maintaining a businesslike relationship:
  • Use neutral, respectful language
  • Focus on facts and solutions, not blame or past issues
  • Be consistent and reliable in your communication
  • Document important decisions and agreements
  • Seek mediation if conflicts arise

3. Create a comprehensive parenting plan to ensure stability and continuity

A parenting plan filed with the court is legally binding until one of you goes to court and obtains a modification of part or all of the plan.

Detailed planning. A comprehensive parenting plan should cover all aspects of your children's lives, including living arrangements, decision-making processes, and financial responsibilities. The more detailed your plan, the less room there is for future conflict.

Flexibility and review. While the plan should be thorough, it should also allow for flexibility as children's needs change over time. Include provisions for regular review and modification of the plan as necessary.

Key elements of a parenting plan:

• Custody and visitation schedules
• Holiday and vacation arrangements
• Education and healthcare decisions
• Financial responsibilities (child support, medical expenses, etc.)
• Communication protocols between parents
• Conflict resolution procedures
• Provisions for future changes (e.g., relocation, remarriage)

4. Keep children out of the middle: Protect them from parental conflict

Children hate being in the middle.

Shield from conflict. Children should never be used as messengers, spies, or confidants in matters related to the divorce or ongoing conflicts between parents. This puts undue stress on them and can damage their relationships with both parents.

Maintain positive attitudes. Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children. Encourage their relationship with the other parent, as this is crucial for their emotional well-being and development.

• Ways to keep children out of conflict:
  • Communicate directly with the other parent
  • Use neutral drop-off locations for visitation exchanges
  • Keep arguments and legal discussions away from children
  • Encourage children to love and respect both parents
  • Seek professional help if you're struggling to co-parent effectively

5. Establish two homes with consistent rules and routines

Children will know they belong in two homes when they no longer need a large suitcase to go from one home to another.

Create stability. Children thrive on consistency and predictability. Establish similar routines, rules, and expectations in both homes to provide a sense of stability during the transition.

Personal space. Ensure children have their own space and belongings in each home. This helps them feel secure and "at home" in both places, rather than feeling like a visitor.

• Elements of a stable two-home environment:
  • Consistent bedtimes and mealtimes
  • Similar disciplinary approaches
  • Dedicated space for homework and study
  • Personal items (clothes, toys, toiletries) in each home
  • Familiar routines (e.g., bedtime stories, family dinners)
  • Clear expectations for behavior and responsibilities

6. Communicate effectively and frequently with your children

Children are excellent observers but not good interpreters.

Open dialogue. Encourage open, honest communication with your children about the divorce and its impact on their lives. Listen to their concerns and feelings without judgment, and provide age-appropriate explanations.

Consistent updates. Keep children informed about changes that affect them, such as living arrangements or schedules. Regular check-ins can help them feel secure and involved in the process.

• Effective communication strategies:
  • Use age-appropriate language
  • Be honest but avoid oversharing adult details
  • Validate their feelings and concerns
  • Reassure them of your love and commitment
  • Maintain regular one-on-one time with each child
  • Use various communication methods (in-person, phone, video calls, letters)

7. Build a support network and extended family for emotional resilience

The more supportive a network is to a parent, the easier it is for the parent to survive a crisis—and the more confident that person will feel as a parent.

Seek support. Don't try to handle everything alone. Build a network of friends, family, and professionals who can provide emotional support, practical help, and guidance during and after the divorce.

Create an extended family. Involve trusted friends, relatives, and community members in your children's lives. This extended family can provide additional stability and support for both you and your children.

• Ways to build a support network:
  • Join support groups for divorced parents
  • Maintain and nurture friendships
  • Engage with community organizations (e.g., religious groups, clubs)
  • Seek professional help when needed (therapists, counselors, mediators)
  • Cultivate relationships with other parents at your children's school
  • Consider creating a "chosen family" of close friends

8. Manage long-distance parenting with creativity and commitment

Long-distance parenting is different from in-house parenting.

Stay connected. When physical distance separates you from your children, it's crucial to maintain regular, meaningful contact. Utilize technology and creative communication methods to stay involved in their daily lives.

Quality over quantity. Make the most of your time together by planning special activities and creating meaningful traditions. Focus on creating lasting memories rather than trying to cram too much into limited time.

• Long-distance parenting strategies:
  • Schedule regular video calls or phone chats
  • Send care packages, letters, or small gifts
  • Use shared online calendars to stay informed about activities
  • Participate in school events virtually when possible
  • Plan extended visits during holidays and summer breaks
  • Collaborate with the other parent to ensure consistent involvement

9. Handle the return of an absent parent with care and consideration

Reentry is complicated!

Gradual reintroduction. If an absent parent wishes to re-establish a relationship with the children, approach the situation carefully. Consider the children's feelings and readiness, and plan a gradual reintroduction process.

Open communication. Discuss the situation openly with all parties involved, including the children (in an age-appropriate manner). Be honest about past issues while focusing on moving forward positively.

• Steps for reintroducing an absent parent:
  • Assess the parent's commitment and intentions
  • Consult with a family therapist or counselor
  • Start with supervised visits or short interactions
  • Gradually increase contact as trust is rebuilt
  • Address any unresolved issues between parents separately
  • Be prepared for emotional reactions from children and adults
  • Maintain open communication throughout the process

10. Prepare for the "second wave" of emotions and life changes post-divorce

Just when they should be feeling good about the fact that they have made it, they didn't feel good at all.

Expect fluctuations. Even after you've adjusted to your new life, you may experience unexpected emotional upheavals or "flashbacks" to earlier stages of the divorce process. This is normal and doesn't mean you're regressing.

Embrace growth. Use these moments as opportunities for self-reflection and personal growth. Recognize how far you've come and continue to work on building your new life.

• Strategies for navigating the "second wave":
  • Practice self-care and stress management techniques
  • Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist
  • Reflect on your progress and accomplishments
  • Set new personal and professional goals
  • Be patient with yourself and your emotions
  • Consider how your children may also be experiencing similar feelings
  • Use these moments to refine your co-parenting relationship and parenting plan if needed

Last updated: September 5, 2024